There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
So we were texting back and forth this morning about coordination of picking up our son. Then the texts morphed into divorce/feelings talk etc. Long story short, I am going over to the house today to "talk". As a reminder about 2-3 weeks ago, she reached out to me unsolicited and wanted to meet for dinner "just to talk". Upon arrival, i asked what the agenda was and she didn't have one and just wanted to talk in a low key environment since every time we had talked in the last 3 months was heated and emotional. This morning I told her the same thing basically. I said we are schedule for our first court date tomorrow and it would be nice to have a real talk with you with no emotions involved before we start seeing each other in court. With that said, I am going to the house today at 5:00 with no agenda in mind. Any ideas/recommendations on what to do or say? Yes, she is still in full relationship with OM and open about it. Perhaps I recommend to "Pause" the divorce to let things settle down a little bit before making such a life altering decision? Or, perhaps I cancel on her at the last minute and tell her that I've had a change of heart and have any types of talks with her?
Me: 38 Her: 33 Bomb: 1/6/2017 Separated: 1/10/17 Together: 16 Years Son 12 Years Old She and Son still at the house Divorce Filed/Retracted Multiple Times Divorce: scheduled to be final 6/20/17
Perhaps I recommend to "Pause" the divorce to let things settle down a little bit before making such a life altering decision? Or, perhaps I cancel on her at the last minute and tell her that I've had a change of heart and have any types of talks with her
Dude, she is involved with another man. Period. Why pause? On the hopes of it somehow winning her back? No, that won't happen. Seems that she is intent on this, so just do it. It'll hurt more in the long run to keep stringing the inevitable out. She's open about the affair and doesn't care what you think...that is so telling. Good grief. Doing whats best for you doesn't involve pulling any last-minute straws in hopes of winning a cheater back. Sorry, but won't happen. And, why would you want it to, anyway?
Why have any talks with her in the first place? Your agenda and hers are two different beasts. Sure, some will tell you to roll over and talk to her. Why? Why put yourself through the misery and heartache?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Just the fact that she is receptive enough for me to come over and talk with her is at least a little bit telling. She hasn't completely shut down any communication is a good thing right? So I should cancel and act as though its no big deal and "we will talk when we talk" type of thing?
Me: 38 Her: 33 Bomb: 1/6/2017 Separated: 1/10/17 Together: 16 Years Son 12 Years Old She and Son still at the house Divorce Filed/Retracted Multiple Times Divorce: scheduled to be final 6/20/17
Just the fact that she is receptive enough for me to come over and talk with her is at least a little bit telling. She hasn't completely shut down any communication is a good thing right? So I should cancel and act as though its no big deal and "we will talk when we talk" type of thing?
No, it isn't. You will always be in some form of communication due to your son. Always. Best bet is that she wants to talk about how she thinks the divorce should go. Have seen it so many times on here. In fact, we had a huge discussion about this same thing earlier and the consensus is what I'm saying. She has her terms and agenda. They may/may not agree with yours. Don't agree to anything, especially in writing, in hopes of somehow thinking that by giving in it will make her change her mind.
Don't confuse her willing to talk with your hopes of receptive. They will get crushed. Take care of yourself. We both know you'll go. Do what you have to do. Do what's for you, not what you perceive the "relationship" to be, because it isn't. Fair winds and following seas to you, my friend.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
So perhaps she is agreeing to meet to satisfy her own curiosity on what I have to say? Be real...should I go or not go?
Me: 38 Her: 33 Bomb: 1/6/2017 Separated: 1/10/17 Together: 16 Years Son 12 Years Old She and Son still at the house Divorce Filed/Retracted Multiple Times Divorce: scheduled to be final 6/20/17
So perhaps she is agreeing to meet to satisfy her own curiosity on what I have to say? Be real...should I go or not go?
I'd venture to guess that she wants to lay out her terms beforehand.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I cancelled. I made up a long reason, but I cancelled. I feel at peace with it.
Me: 38 Her: 33 Bomb: 1/6/2017 Separated: 1/10/17 Together: 16 Years Son 12 Years Old She and Son still at the house Divorce Filed/Retracted Multiple Times Divorce: scheduled to be final 6/20/17
Sellout...I would tread lightly on suggesting any changes to her plans. The more you tell someone what they are doing is wrong (even in a kind way or with the best of intentions), the more they often become insistent on doing it. Right now, this is what W thinks she wants. If you go to her and ask her to stop, you are inadvertently telling her she is wrong because she is doing something you don't want. The message she is going to hear is, you care about your feelings and not hers, and you run the risk of pushing her completely out of reach that way.
I remember one of the things Cadet posted to me when I first landed here a couple years ago...there are two types of divorce--legal and emotional. We're always desperate and scared to stop the legal paperwork as though it alone were the relationship. It's not. It's simply a legal stamp on a relationship that existed prior to that and can continue to exist afterward. Even if you were divorced tomorrow, the relationship isn't truly over until you're both emotionally divorced from it and make the decision to move on. Don't panic about the legal stuff. Time is your friend.
If I were you, I would simply use your time to express that, while you're sad and this wasn't the path you would have chosen, you understand she feels this is what will make her happy and you want that for her. Wish her well and then let her go. You can't hold her back. You can only help her want to stay. It doesn't matter if, today, that puts you one day closer to divorce. Sometimes you have to lose the battle to win the war. Your goal is to show her you are a different man with her best wishes at heart--that proverbial man she would be a fool to leave.
A personal anecdote: my H filed for D and things went all the way to the judges final signing before H pulled the case and asked to reconcile. One of the things he told me after the fact was how much my support of him had meant rather than my trying to force him to stop the D.
Don't give up hope. Sometimes even the worst of situations can turn around. Lead with your love rather than your fear.
