Clemson, I am so sorry you find yourself here. I know you are in a terribly difficult place and there are no quick solutions.
In regards to the affair fizzling out after 6 mos, maybe it does and maybe it doesn't. I know several people who have married affair partners so I wouldn't put much stock in that figure. I also wouldn't worry what the family thinks. They aren't in the marriage.
Take a step back and think about what you really want to do. You don't have to decide right now. And about 18% of people who divorce remarry. Maybe you would be in the 18% or maybe the 82%. Doesn't matter right now.
Hang in there. It does get much better!!!
Thank you for the encouragement. I agree the family is not in the marriage and I could handle those issues I think. My mother is very worried I would take her back and said she never wants to see WW again. Definitely would make for some awkwardness at holidays but that's their problem. They don't understand how great the marriage was. I even told my mom and sister that even knowing this is how the marriage is ending, I would have done it all over again because the first 8+ years were the best of my life and I experienced a deep love that I always dreamed of and few experience. It's like that Garth brooks song The Dance.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I have to say that I like your boundaries. Wish I felt that way and acted on it sooner myself.
Thanks. I felt I didn't have any boundaries for so long and had been very weak during the process. To see my wife struggling to get over another man was hard and I sometimes felt ridiculous trying to comfort her about her lost "love". I knew if she reached out to the guy it was all over.
My friends say they would have thrown her out the day WW told me about the A. If you would have asked me what I would do in such a situation a year ago I would have agreed. But that wasn't my reaction at all. In fact, I have rarely been angry during this ordeal. I've just been sad. I even felt sorry for WW when the counselor told me WW started having feeling for the guy in September but didn't know who to talk to about it so she kept it to herself. I can imagine her wrestling with those feelings and being alone.
The whole situation changed from whether I could live with the past A to whether WW even wanted to stay with me. I am still sometimes stunned this is happening.
I sometimes felt ridiculous trying to comfort her about her lost "love".
You did what??? Please don't tell us you were trying to soothe her about losing her affair partner. If anything, that's a direct pass to the friend zone.
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My friends say they would have thrown her out the day WW told me about the A. If you would have asked me what I would do in such a situation a year ago I would have agreed. But that wasn't my reaction at all. In fact, I have rarely been angry during this ordeal. I've just been sad. I even felt sorry for WW when the counselor told me WW started having feeling for the guy in September but didn't know who to talk to about it so she kept it to herself. I can imagine her wrestling with those feelings and being alone.
None of us want to believe that our SOs would leave, much less get involved with someone else. Therefore, we choose to be blind to things and not see them for what they really are.
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The whole situation changed from whether I could live with the past A to whether WW even wanted to stay with me. I am still sometimes stunned this is happening.
The first thing you should do is a reality check - can you fully trust her again? If she is late coming back from the store, what will you think? If you are less than 100% positive that you can and won't have those thoughts, then you may need to take another look.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I just re-read your story and IMO that fantasy world is going to come crashing to the ground real soon. Moving to a new state for a man she barley knows with three small children. Unlikely chance that works out.
I wholeheartedly agree and have discussed this with friends. Almost no way this works out. It's pure fantasy and la-la land stuff. It makes no rational sense but WW is not rational right now.
The OM lives in a state where he has to be separated from his wife for a year before they can even file for divorce. OM has been kicked out of the house 3 times since the A and from what I've been told by WW, OM's wife is pissed off and is going to drag OM through hell and back. That means he's going to be dealing with this stuff for the next 1-2 years at least.
Then you have WW who has literally never lived outside a 50 mile radius of her parents' home. And she would have to leave all friends and family she's ever known for OM who she has only been with in person less than 15 times and those were primarily happy hours, dinners and sex on work trips when there is no real life responsibility. When I challenged WW that she doesn't really know OM she tells me about how often they texted and called each other and how great she knows him. She is going from having no kids and having a carefree life to be the stepmom of three little kids who hate her and all their events/functions that OM will go to. WW is incredibly close to her 2 sisters and their 5 little kids. We go to all their birthday parties/events and have Sunday dinners with WW's parents at least once a month. WW will be missing all that. There is no way that relationship won't be subjected to incredible stress from the get-go.
[quote] I sometimes felt ridiculous trying to comfort her about her lost "love".
You did what??? Please don't tell us you were trying to soothe her about losing her affair partner. If anything, that's a direct pass to the friend zone.
Fair criticism. Let me clarify. I didn't sit and hug her and say its okay about OM. I just said its normal to be sad about someone you cared for and lost but it was the right thing to do.
Can I ask a personal question? Why do you not have any kids? Just trying to get a better understanding why someone with no kids would want to be with someone who has 3 small children.
[quote=LH19]It's pure fantasy and la-la land stuff. It makes no rational sense but WW is not rational right now.
You are right about this.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Can I ask a personal question? Why do you not have any kids? Just trying to get a better understanding why someone with no kids would want to be with someone who has 3 small children.
No problem. Friends have wondered if this was an issue too. First off we loved to travel and were in no hurry for kids. Both of us had busy careers and we enjoyed being with each other. Kids were always something we wanted to do. WW went off birth control about 2 years ago and we had been trying to get pregnant since up through the time of the A. WW was convinced she could not get pregnant naturally but did not seem stressed about it and I did not pressure her about it. I checked with her quite frequently to make sure she wasn't stressed about it and did not feel like a failure. WW's sister was recently also unable to get pregnant and they did IVF successfully so we watched that whole scenario first hand. WW's plan was to start IVF this January but of course we didn't make it to that point because of the A. WW went back on birth control after the A because I didn't think bringing a baby accidentally into this mess was smart.
