I've lurked a couple of times on your thread, and now feel moved to ask a question. How did this “in-house-seperation” thingey come about? Whose idea was it? Why are you doing this at all? It seems to me that while giving each other ‘space’ is necessary in any relationship, living together under the same roof and pretending not to acknowledge each other’s existence can only do one thing – create resentments and nourish fears. Either you’re married or you’re not. This isn’t kindergarten, where you can “ignore” your best friend that you’ve had a fight with for a few weeks and suddenly everything is peachy again. Marriage is an adult game with adult rules, and means you’ll actively have to work at what you want. Playing invisible spouse isn’t going to cut it.
Living as you do right now with your husband would drive me mad. And I’m not even a crazymaker to begin with.
I hope I’m not being too hard on you Karen – I don’t mean to be. But I think you’re going 90 miles an hour in a car with the brakes loose en route to a concrete wall.
Sit the man down, tell him you’re through with this childishness, and that you are his wife, and plan to act like it. Give him one evening a week without resentment to be off alone with his friends, and do something fun yourself. Otherwise do things together, and under no circumstance flip out on him. Show him you’re trustworthy. Buy yourself a treadmill if you don’t have one already, and run ¾ hours each day until you’re ready to drop, to get rid of all that excess energy. Find that calm spot within yourself – whether through sports, meditation, art, whatever. He can never make you happy if you can’t make yourself happy.
Hi, Funny thing I was just thinking. I feel happier now than I have in a long time. Why? I'm curious myself! I'm doing a lot of things that ppl have been telling me to do all along, I read Michele's book "Change your Life and Everyone in it," my sister and I are friends again (she was mad at me for 3 years) so now I hang out w/her and her family, I am selling a few self-help books on half.com and ridding of many many others. I stood up to my stupid frickin' counselor the other day, I have decided to NOT go to a new IC until further notice b/c H (and Michele) are right-I DO know what to do! And, I can. I also had a phone consult w/Joann last week that was very inspiring. Having this separation has helped ME immensely.
How this came about is that the other day I realized that H had lied to me about something a couple times over the past few months. He blamed me and said that it is because he is so angry with me that he felt the need to do this, and then lie to me about it. I told him that I want to work on this R, but that I think he needs to rid of some of the resentment towards me if he wants this to go forward. (I know it's not the most DB thing to do, but I cannot tolerate being lied to-yes, I can forgive him and drop it, and never bring it up again-but lying to me has always been a deal-breaker).
I asked what he needed? Space? Time alone together? He opted for space-neither of us really have a place to go to live separately, so we decided to just live separately in our own home. I have tried to be home as little as possible. However, the first few days, I tried to talk to him a bunch, but he confirmed that he needed this space.
In all honesty, I think I have been wanting to have some kind of space myself. Hopefully, this will bring a new perspective to both of us. I know that I have already changed mine DRASTICALLY. I know it's only been 9 days, but I so feel like I CAN take care of myself.
There is part of me that wonders if I really do not want to be with him. I do love him, but I think he has anger issues. I KNOW that I have control issues and that yes, if I did change, he would too, but I am tired of feeling responsible for EVERYTHING even all of HIS anger and how he deals with it.
Before we got married, we went to a fam. dinner. H got drunk and started dropping the f-bomb all over the place in front of my 80some year old grandfather. My grandfather said something to H, H got mad. We went home to my house and he was furious with ME? The next day he was still mad, and it took him a long time to apologize and just simply admit that he was wrong.
OK, not that I want to harbor resentment towards him, but, it is similar to a lot of other things that have happened. In the beginning he was more sympathetic towards my feelings. The first time I had one of my jealous outbursts, he was pissed at me. I've tried diff. ways to talk to him, but he would most always get mad at me, blaming it on my approach. Yes, now I know that there are many diff. ways to communicate rather than talking.
So, I've changed my approach, I've gotten a lot better (crazy-making). The altercations or discussions don't last nearly as long. However, a couple weeks ago, he got mad at me b/c I was talking about a career change and what I want to do with my life. (When a couple months ago he said that I should be able to talk to him.) And this happened a couple weeks prior to that-I was confiding some feelings about something totally not related to him or our R and he got mad. I told him I was confused b/c he TOLD me to talk to him.
He was supposed to be working on being less defensive, and I was working on less crazymaking, but now I am afraid to share ANY feelings with him. And, again, I should take care of my own feelings. I have wanted his support so badly, but I can see now that I CAN do this on my own.
I don't know what is going to happen. He's going camping with his friends this weekend. I won't be home much tonight and I'm not going home after work tomorrow so I won't see him before he leaves. In fact, I don't want to be there Sunday when he gets home.
Maybe I'm just full of anger right now, but I feel that I have accepted 99.999% responsibility for our probs, but feel that he can't even accept the other .001%. He's told his mom for years that this is MY prob., and not his.
If we do reconcile, I swear to God I will DB my @ss off -as Sage has suggested for at least 6 months, and then take a reading of the R.
thanks, Karen
If you all want to whap me, that's fine. Bring it on. If there is a time for me, it is now. My mind is freer right now to listen.
Oh, I think that I am. If we are separated, how does he see that I am?
Have any of you bought any of the ebooks on stopping divorce? The ones that say, "we'll tell you exactly what to say if your spouse says that he/she wants a divorce"?
There's always the eleventh hour, right? It took me long to get here (back to remembering that Karen really does exist). I'm afraid it is too late...Good grief!
And no, I've never read the ebooks. I didn't like the fact that I couldn't go to a library or bookstore and look at them first. That's how I wound up here.
BTW--deep breath. Don't stress about it, or the time will seem to go by faster. Just figure out your plan. You're doing better! You can do this. We'll be your little cheerleading squad.
Also, having paranoia b/c H took cordless phone outside w/him last night for a long time. He never uses the cordless, but his cell-which i get the bill for. Ugg
So, what kind of plan can I have being sep.? I try to come home after him. Should I ALWAYS do that?
He threw my note away about using the truk.
I told his mom that I was doing well. I am kinda-I'm really happy, yet really scared! I keep having shoulda coulda woulda thoughts. But, then I keep hearing in my head, "I'll change if you change. It's all HER problem." Am I really that bad??? Am I stupid? Am I a fool?
Alright, enough of this. Thanks again. Just blowing off steam. Thoughts are greatly welcomed. karen
I had to change the subject line. I thought my note to offer to use the truk was a 180 b/c ordinarily I would have begged to go, but he just tossed it!
Quote: Also, having paranoia b/c H took cordless phone outside w/him last night for a long time. He never uses the cordless, but his cell-which i get the bill for.
Since you are sep, and you're paying for the cell, have you asked him to contribute to the cost? Especially since it sounds like he wracks up the calls.
Quote: So, what kind of plan can I have being sep.?
Well...depends on what your short-term goals are. You should really focus on yourself. Sounds like you're still somewhat obsessing over your H. In other words, don't put your life on hold for him.
But, other than that, try to create some mystery. It can be hard, since you leave together. (My H could have been a member of the Spanish Inquisition...I had such a hard time keeping things from him!) But maybe, when you come home, have a new hairstyle, or dye it a different color, or buy some new clothes. That sort of thing.
Quote: I keep having shoulda coulda woulda thoughts.
Don't worry about those! Just figure out where you're going now. I have those all of the time--wish I had found DB during the first sep, or even before this last sep...that sort of thing. It's natural, but it draws your focus away from what you should be concentrating on.
Quote: Am I really that bad??? Am I stupid? Am I a fool?
I don't think so. Don't let those thoughts get to you.
Quote: Since you are sep, and you're paying for the cell, have you asked him to contribute to the cost? Especially since it sounds like he wracks up the calls.
That's the thing-he never has lengthy convo's on the phone and at that late of night. ???
We split the cost, but I haven't asked him for $ yet.
Quote: wish I had found DB during the first sep, or even before this last sep...that sort of thing.
Quote: But, I DID! I have been here-messing up a LOT.
I didn't mean it that way!! I was talking about my own regrets.
Quote: Was I trying to get rid of him?
I have no idea. Only you know that one.
My big mistake was pretty much taking H for granted. I never put any effort in, or tried too hard to be interested in the activities he liked. I just assumed his love for me would keep him around. Duh. He never stopped loving me, and we're still in this mess.
Anyway, don't be so hard on yourself. You made mistakes. We all have. Where do you want to go now?
We'll be your little cheerleading squad. 
Just figure out where you're going now. I have those all of the time--wish I had found DB during the first sep, or even before this last sep...that sort of thing. It's natural, but it draws your focus away from what you should be concentrating on.