Maybe She Isn't Evil

[RDS]

Maybe just box them up and seal it very tight with tape. And just put it in storage. That way, its still there but you don't see it.

I still have my W's wedding dress. When we married she had it sealed and put in a box so if we ever had a daughter she might want to get married in it too. My W dropped it off at the house for my D and my D rolled her eyes and said she didn't want it. I wasn't going to get rid of it. It is my W's dress and I would never willingly destroy it. When I moved into my apartment my W helped me move some things out of the house the day before closing. She saw the wedding dress box and told me to get rid of it. I told her there is no way I was going to get rid of it. It's all on her. She looked at it for a few seconds and finally asked me if I would keep it for her. I told her I would and put it under the bed.

I'm mind reading, but I think in her mind if I got rid of the dress then it wasn't her doing it, it was me and it would make it easier for her to deal with it being gone.

[Dawgs]

I'm mind reading, but I think in her mind if I got rid of the dress then it wasn't her doing it, it was me and it would make it easier for her to deal with it being gone.

I think that's a very good point. Let her deal with it. Would you keep it forever?

[Bdog37]

I actually have text messages from my W (after she told me about the PA) that tell me how much she loves me and how much she wants our marriage to work. Then in a few short weeks they tell a different story. I actually wanted to forward one of the long ones that basically said I was the one and all that other loving things you would want to hear after the news of a PA, but what is the point now.

I suppose it doesn't matter about how you communicated with her in the past, but more about how you communicate with her now is the key.

[Bdog37]

I have mine going back from when we started dating. There is part of me that never wants to get rid of them and part that does, yet I can't bring myself to do just that. I may move them to a thumb drive or some other sort of back up and just file them away. Sure, looking over them brings back times when the world was right, but if there is still sadness/pain then it isn't worth it.

After all you been through (been reading your older posts) then does looking back cause any sadness/pain for you at all? Obviously, I would say no otherwise you would have gotten rid of them right?

[Dawgs]

After all you been through (been reading your older posts) then does looking back cause any sadness/pain for you at all? Obviously, I would say no otherwise you would have gotten rid of them right?

Good question. Honestly, there are times when it does and times when it doesn't. Still, her ghost lingers. There are things that will trigger sadness/pain. I guess they will always be there. I do miss my wife. But at the same time, I realize what her past did to her. She was the victim of a most f***ed childhood. And knowing that doesn't bring any hate/anger into me, except when it affects the kids.

I can't bring myself to throw the things away. Even the anniversary/valentines cards/etc. Everything is in a box, sealed. Maybe its a mental block. I don't know.

[RDS]

I think that's a very good point. Let her deal with it. Would you keep it forever?

Probably. My IC scolded me a few months back because I was getting rid of so much stuff. She told me I'm not the only one who may want to see the stuff much later. My daughter may have wanted it later on and if she has kids maybe they would want some of the stuff I got rid of. My daughter doesn't want anything of her mother's now, but later, who knows.

If I get involved with another woman and she wants me to get rid of it I will cross that bridge then.

[RDS]

I suppose it doesn't matter about how you communicated with her in the past, but more about how you communicate with her now is the key.

That is one thing that is so sad with my sitch. We get along great now as long as we don't talk about money or our R. We talk about everything else under the sun and we generally have a good time. We've talked about stuff we stopped talking about years ago that intimate people normally do. I think she is just at ease now that she isn't with me and isn't afraid of things I will say to her. I want to bash my head into a wall because it took her leaving me to see what an ass I became and knowing I know I can make her happy again but the bridge has probably been burned.

[Dawgs]

I think she is just at ease now that she isn't with me and isn't afraid of things I will say to her.

Maybe friend-zoned is the correct term here...

We all have moments where we want to bash our head against the wall, me especially...had I done things differently I truly feel wouldn't be a single guy again. Oh well.

[RDS]

Friend-zoned is the correct term I'm sure. My DB coach said I had to become her friend so she would like me again before she would ever allow herself to fall in love with me again. I prefer being her friend than being her enemy. But being her friend may just be giving me too much false hope.

[Bdog37]

I want to bash my head into a wall because it took her leaving me to see what an ass I became and knowing I know I can make her happy again but the bridge has probably been burned.

My W actually told me how hurt she was that it took something like a PA to finally wake me up to her unhappiness and make a change. I thought that was BS cause no matter what it takes 2 to make a marriage work and she could have come to me before actually having a PA with someone else. Yes, I have seen my faults after all this, but what about hers?

Can't keep blaming yourself forever. At least you realize now so you can only learn from your sitch even if it doesn't turn out the way you want. Keep the conversations pleasant and off anything that would make her upset. Be a friend to her and keep making her feel comfortable talking to you again.