So Summer, are you saying I can only have one or the other? If so, why do you believe this? And if so, why did it work before? I've done the band thing and been self employed working from my home since I'm 20. Thus has not changed.
I'm also confused at why you think that I believe anyone who is friendly is interested? That most certainly happened at the event at the end of January, but that was ONE ENCOUNTER with one woman. The others have not gone like that. The others I went on dates with - sometimes at THEIR invitation. How can I be mis-reading them?
Is really the only way to meet someone and develop a R is the way you are describing? Really, that's the only way? If so, then I guess I am screwed and more depression here I come. Why can't I live my life as I am and still meet someone worth spending time with? I'm confused.
And then finally, am I really that bad at judging interest? If so, then how do I tell the difference between the lady in the grocery line just being friendly and actually being interested? Most don't say anything therefore... Not interested. Now you're saying those who do go out of their way to be friendly are not interested either? Really? So NO ONE is interested. Is that it? I'm very confused here - even more than usual. It almost sounds like you are saying, no one us interested Don. You're misreading everything. Is that your point?
The piece I do get and very much agree is what I'm doing is not working. You and I seem to agree on that. However, others disagree and say it's nothing I. Doing, it's just not "my time" or "when I least expect it..." V seems to be in that camp
The thing is, I don't think I've changed at all. I'm basically the same as I was 20 years ago when all of this worked. Same jobs, live in the same house (same location) hell IM told I even look the same and I know weight the same as I did n high school. This was just never an issue 20 years ago - so why is it now? I should not have to change who I am to find someone should I? Should someone not be out there who will love or at least like me for me.
See why I'm so frustrated? Or am I the only one that thinks these things?
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
You are the same as 20 years ago when all of this worked. life changes, stages in life change, there are different deal breakers, desires of women who are now 20 years older. Maybe someone who goes away on gigs every weekend isn't something an older woman is looking for in a partner now. Maybe she wants some who is around on weekends to spend time with her. I'm not saying you should change your lifestyle. But maybe there are just fewer women who that works for. Which is why you shouldn't have to change who you are, but you'll have to have more patience for the right one.
I can only offer you my observations with fresh eyes. You don't have to agree or accept my opinion.
If you read back over your own examples of stories about women and situations in this thread -- you'd see that you always think friendliness = they're interested in you. Story after story, that is the theme of your encounters. The women were friendly and receptive and seemed interested -- but you end up shocked and confused that in the end, that they weren't.
And to answer your question -- yes, I do think you're really bad at judging interest. Friendliness, in random encounters, is not usually an indication of interest. Some people are just friendly -- and they are equally friendly and nice to women, men, children and dogs!
And you wrote:
Quote:
"Why can't I live my life as I am and still meet someone worth spending time with? I'm confused."
Well, you can IF that's working for you.
But what worked in the past -- when you were 20 -- has zero bearing on what will work now -- b/c the women you're going to meet now are not young girls -- they're mature, established women.
Their lifestyles have changed a lot -- while you say that you're basically living the same lifestyle you were at 20 -- but that lifestyle doesn't work or fit with most women your age.
Most women your age have jobs, kids, family responsibilities, ties to their communities and stable lives that they enjoy. They're looking for someone who'd fit into, shares and enjoys their type of traditional lifestyle.
You seem to be looking for your female counterpart -- someone less traditional -- who'd enjoy and be able to travel to your gigs with you on weekends etc. And that's fine -- but there is likely a smaller pool of women like that.
No one can tell you how to remedy this. As I wrote before, only you can decide •what• you need to do to get a better result.
Well to be honest, it's not like Im gone every weekend, in fact not even close. I travel 10 maybe a dozen times a year. Plus, things have not gotten that far that it's even been a factor - although they could be thinking it after learning what I do.
It does bring up other twists and turns that may make all of this even harder and brings validity to your main point of patience. On the plus side I have the ability to pretty much set my own schedule if I find the right person. So that's a positive as I can cut back or change things should I need to. That said, I don't think I ever want to get married again. I just see no reason in it. I've heard the same from some women. I also don't feel a need to be with someone all the time. Some have said this makes it even harder. Others say there are a lot of women my age wanting the same. In fact they are turned off by guys who get clingy and want more of their time or want to get M. For example that lady I mentioned going on five years with BF. She seems to have little interest in marriage and the time they spend together seems to work for them - which fits with what she told me five years ago as well. I need someone in the same mindset. This is in part why I often avoid those never married - figuring that's a goal they will have. Those with young kids are the same. But these are all issues down the road - a road I'm rarely getting more than a mile down anyhow.
After saying things are the same 20 years later, I guess that's true, just not entirely in that I'm not involved in as much or meeting as many people as I used to. I also have less friends. Hell, just going through a D does that. So while I'm much the same guy, my life has changed - obviously.
I'm just trying to be as honest about all of this as possible. I didn't think this is where I'd be at 50. Everything else is as planned. I'm semi-retired and can adjust my schedule to fit. I really would love to find somene to travel with and have both the money and time to do it. If she travels for work, I coukd go with her. If she wants to see me more, I can do that (within reason) if she is busy and wants less I can do that. I'm fine with only dating one person and would prefer it. Im fine living together if that's the course things take. So I'm flexible in much of this. After seeing how hard it's been, I won't take it for granted.
And then as if this is not complicated enough, I clearly don't feel a connection with some of them. Perhaps they sense that in me in addition to perhaps not feeling it themselves. I'm just trying to give them a chance, thinking you just never know. I'm not turned off to them mind you, just not head over heals. So even with some of them, while its upsetting, it's not like I thought we were a match anyhow - just that it could grow.
F-me. This is honestly helping me to process all of this. It may not be pretty - down right ugly, but knowing and understanding is part of the battle. A Though I've often felt I know what I want, just not his to get it. With the help of posters here I'm seeing that I'm not bringing enough to the table as to wars in it for them, not just for me. I'm really not THAT interested in likely half as it's more a "yeah, I'd go out with her" versus a "I really want to go out with her."
Feels like I'm looking for a needle in a haystack.
Sorry if I'm all over the place here. I really do appreciate everyone taking the time to comment. Just trying to provide the most honest info I can.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
I didn't see your latest post Summer until I had posted at the same time. I totally appreciate your fresh set of eyes. I'll look back to see what I may have forgotten about these encounters, I honestly just don't remember them - or certainly acting on them. It's not me accepting or not accepting what you are saying, it's much more about understanding.
I totally agree that I can't easily gauge interest. That is not knew and cuts both ways. I've had times all through life where someone was interested and I had NO CLUE. I've also had the opposite where I think they are interested and I'm wrong. Thing is, how in the hell do I fix that? Can I? You are saying they were not interested. Okay, let's just agree. What would it look like if they really were? How would I tell the difference?
I cleared up some of the 20 year differences but again, I'm Not trying to say I live the same. My step kids who are still in my life are grown with kids of their own so life is way different. I don't go out like I used to. Many things are different. I'm just much the same inside - just as out going or introverted, look the same, feel the same, treat people the same, etc. that's what I as trying to say
Perhaps Im Looking for answers that simply don't exist. I guess I'm hoping that there are things I can do or not do to make me as successful as those around me. Man my head hurts from thinking so much. I've been very sucsful at so many things. It really hurts to have this piece of my life suck. I can't get these years back. If time stood still I wouldn't care. I just can't share these years of my life with someone again. I'll never be able to share my 50th birthday with my GF like I did my 40th with my wife. I won't be able to share my step sons or step daughters wedding with a GF. I won't be able to share the cruises and vacations I've ebe by myself. And the list goes on - and that just [censored].
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Perhaps Im Looking for answers that simply don't exist. I guess I'm hoping that there are things I can do or not do to make me as successful as those around me. Man my head hurts from thinking so much. I've been very sucsful at so many things. It really hurts to have this piece of my life suck. I can't get these years back. If time stood still I wouldn't care. I just can't share these years of my life with someone again. I'll never be able to share my 50th birthday with my GF like I did my 40th with my wife. I won't be able to share my step sons or step daughters wedding with a GF. I won't be able to share the cruises and vacations I've ebe by myself. And the list goes on - and that just [censored].
Don,
Off point - gotta ask a question, if your tag reads that you are 53, then how are you going to celebrate your 50th?
Back on point - The unfortunate thing is that you won't be able to celebrate your 50th or those things like you did with your wife. Just not possible. However, you can celebrate milestones with a new person but they will be in a different form...and that's the excitement of it all. You don't want things to be the same, because then that would be nothing more than trying to fill the ex's shoes. Which is not possible.
I have a friend who was much in your same situation. In his case, he "pushed" in much the same way you do. Sure, he had no problem getting first dates but rarely got seconds because he came across as needy/clingy and wanting to skip entire steps in the dating process. This was during the time I was seeing Ms. Harley Quinn and she gave him this fantastic advice (this was years ago so I may be off a little, so forgive me) - "Mark, the problem with you is that you are looking for a relationship a little too hard. Take things as they are, and if they progress then they progress. Go into them with no expectations and let them build as time goes. Otherwise, they run every time."
Let it happen. I know its tough to want someone to date and feel like it isn't happening. It will, just not when you expect it.
Last edited by job; 02/13/1706:22 AM. Reason: Added spacing between paragraphs
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I know everyone before me has given you a lot to think about and I'm not sure I can offer anything earth-shatteringly different, but what I can say is that I'm right there with you in that boat of being unable to judge interest very well. Someone is friendly and I think, oh, maybe they are interested. I have to constantly rein myself in and remind myself that I'm a very friendly person. I'm that lady who will talk to complete strangers in line at the grocery store, the DMV, waiting to buy movie tickets, whatever. And, just because I'm friendly doesn't always mean I'm interested, but by the same token, just because someone reaches out to me in a friendly way, doesn't mean they are interested either....if any of that makes sense.
I also agree with what those before me said about maybe your lifestyle might not be super appealing to women who are in more mature stages in their life. Speaking ONLY for myself here, I don't want a super clingy man, but I also don't want one who is gone all the time, doing gigs. I want someone that I can call up on a random Tuesday night to go for a drink or have over on Saturday or Sunday afternoon to go take a walk in the park with my dog then go back to my place for lunch or dinner. While I'm sure you are very settled in your career and in your routine, it might seem less so to some women and maybe seen as even a tad unstable (not unstable as in crazy, but unstable as in steady income/hours/responsibilities).
I know it has taken me awhile to get to the point where I REALLY want to date. I didn't when I first went thru my D. But I also know that good things take time and that things have a way of working out how/when they are supposed to. I guess I'm putting myself in V's camp here of it will happen when it is meant to happen.
I wish you all the best as I have no doubt that you are a decent, caring, stand-up guy. I just bet there is a lovely lady out there somewhere who is just the right one for you and I hope you find her.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Don, there may not be an answer to your questions...sometimes things happen and sometimes they don't. I don't see anything wrong with you reaching out to women you think might be interested but, when doing so, you have to be ready to accept a lot of rejection. I had a friend in my younger days who used to say that one in ten women would say yes to him...so every time a woman said no he felt excited because he knew he was one closer to that number ten who was going to say yes! I also think that at our age women are not as eager as they once were. If you're single at this age then you've been through some sh*t and that baggage is hard to carry sometimes. Women are scared and maybe a little reluctant to get out there again. Anyway, good luck with it...I've got squirrels to chase lol.
I also think that at our age women are not as eager as they once were.
I would say this is correct on some level, but I'd be willing to bet most are eager just not in the way he wants.
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If you're single at this age then you've been through some sh*t and that baggage is hard to carry sometimes. Women are scared and maybe a little reluctant to get out there again.
We all have baggage. ALL of us. The thing is, how well do we carry it?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
A shrink once told me that in her experience people aren't really in touch with their feelings and often just act without really knowing why...and then wonder why the same thing keeps happening over and over again. I think often, people aren't even aware of their baggage and therefore don't carry it well! A friend once told me that the longer you're alone the easier it becomes to stay that way...that said, he's actually seeing someone now
