Help - Setting Boundaries, WW in EA - Thread #3

[Woke_Up]

So today... it's day before D4 turns 5. Busy day getting things ready, doing school run. W was busy with a friend getting party things ready.

Unfortunately I checked her phone again. While it appears there has been no contact so far, she has unblocked him on Skype, and his status suggests he will try to weasel back in. She also had voice recordings from him on her phone, I won't go into details but some were pretty disgusting.

This got me to thinking. Can I keep doing this? Carrying on back in the same position again. I don't think I can.

Anyway, W went upstairs for a lie down in the afternoon. I popped up to see her and asked how she was coping with withdrawals. Said it would be better for her if she deleted reminders - pics, etc. Then I told her form my perspective that I couldn't do it again. If she went back, then we would need to formally separate (in house), and then take it from there.

I felt pretty sick after this. It's something I know I will have to do, I can't go on in the same way and I can't give meaningless boundaries.

Later, when she was in the utility room, she told me she had been thinking about my ultimatum. She said she had spoken to one of her female friends, who had apparently said that couldn't she just be friends with this guy, nothing had happened, really. I said I disagreed with her friend. That if you are having conversations with someone of the opposite sex and you won't share them with your SO then a line has been crossed.

She then said she thought OM would stalk her. I said he couldn't if she got rid of the means of communication. She also said she though he might try to kill himself. I said I doubted it.

She then said that OM wasn't really the issue. I agreed that he was a symptom and that we had a lot of issues to work through that had been there a long time.

D4 then came through so we had to stop he discussion.

I need to really work on what to do next. Gotta keep calm, stop myself spinning.

I need to learn to be her best friend again. Figure out what emotional needs she she has that I am not meeting. I will start writing things down, work through our history. I think that from what I know, this EA and a PA she had when she was with her ex husband both revolved around friendship. I believe she has many FOO issues, and they have led to this,.

I also have my FOO issues and need to identify those and work through them with a professional as has been suggested. Back to work next week, should be able to find a counsellor in London close by.

[Gordie]

If she unblocked him, it seems like she hasn't closed that door and from her words is more concerned about the OM's welfare than yours. So why do you think she's ready to work on reconciling with you?

[Woke_Up]

She isn't. She was back on Skype to him just a few minutes ago. She didn't realise her 2nd phone automatically signs youn in to her account.

What now?

I've left the house for a bit to cool down. I'm going to call to set up some DB coaching. I need to get my shizz together.

[Gordie]

You have her an ultimatum. Are you going to follow through? How?

[sandi2]

I agree with everything DonH said. She threw a whopper tantrum and got rewarded. Did you think that letting her spew all over you would cause her to respect you as a man? And why would you be touching her the next day and serving her coffee? Did she show any signs of sorrow for how she behaved, or did she apologize? You rewarded her for treating you like $hit. Why?

Look, she is not going through withdrawals if she has some type of connection to OM. She has to be totally cut off from his picture, recorded voice, old messages, etc. The absence of those connections is what causes the withdrawal. Also, if she was in withdrawal and then connected to OM in some fashion......she would have to start all over in the withdrawal process.

It concerns me that the tone of your recent post sounds as if you are joining the ranks of men who won't be the kind of H to enforce firm boundaries, and they decide to change their WW to a MLC, b/c somehow, that makes more sense to them. MLC is not easier, but I do get the impression that some H's choose to say his W is MLC, rather than accepting the tough challenges of the WW. I hope you won't give up, b/c I think you've got what it takes to get back the respect of your WW and have a happy MR.

[Woke_Up]

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Hi Cristy

I called and got the voicemail, left a message, just before 4PM your time. What are your office hours? I'll try again on Monday.

[Woke_Up]

You have her an ultimatum. Are you going to follow through? How?

Working that out. We talked when I got back in. I'll go into details later. Same old 'she'll pick a day and I'll have to take her phones and laptop'...

I may talk to L again and see how a legal sep would work while living in the same house, if at all possible under UK law. I also left a voicemail for a DB coach to call me back, guess I missed the office hours just.

I did tell W that I couldn't be with her if she was still with him, that I could work on being a better husband, but I needed my wife back first.

Anyway, I need my rest, D4 turns 5 tomorrow

[Woke_Up]

I agree with everything DonH said. She threw a whopper tantrum and got rewarded. Did you think that letting her spew all over you would cause her to respect you as a man? And why would you be touching her the next day and serving her coffee? Did she show any signs of sorrow for how she behaved, or did she apologize? You rewarded her for treating you like $hit. Why?

No, no apology. I guess she seemed calmer and I probably read remorse into it. No, I did read remorse into it, but that was my wishful thinking.

Look, she is not going through withdrawals if she has some type of connection to OM. [/quote}

Yep, she is definitely not going through withdrawals.

[quote=sandi2]It concerns me that the tone of your recent post sounds as if you are joining the ranks of men who won't be the kind of H to enforce firm boundaries, and they decide to change their WW to a MLC, b/c somehow, that makes more sense to them. MLC is not easier, but I do get the impression that some H's choose to say his W is MLC, rather than accepting the tough challenges of the WW. I hope you won't give up, b/c I think you've got what it takes to get back

I hear you, Sandi, and I am sure it is not MLC, just some similar things going on - but she has and this concern over aging for years, pretty much ever since I've known her and probably before. I think there are FOO issues rather than MLC.

Ultimately there are R issues for which I am 50% responsible, and now she has gone wayward. I am glad you have some confidence in me, because it's taking me a long, hard trek to get to having confidence in myself. I'm not giving up, I was thinking of a S as a way to get space and focus on improving myself, but I haven't really thought it through yet - with the volatility of our R and our current sitch, I don't know if an in house S will work. I suspect the answer is in my head, my mentality rather than 'formalising' a sep. Let's face it, we are already in different bedrooms. I guess it means switching off to her temp checking behaviours.

[sandi2]

Do not go for in-house separation. That is the biggest of all cake eating for her. I have not seen any in-house reconciliations.

[sandi2]

How about an update?