Gordie: Pulling it all together 2

[ForGump]

Good post.

[SBJ]

AmyC's posts were eyeopening. The las paragraph says it all..."I can tell you beyond the shadow of a doubt that there was NOTHING ANYONE could have said to me that would have moved me. As an example, right smack dab in the middle of my MLC, while practicing adultery, I sat my self-righteous butt in church and my Pastor pointed his finger straight at me one day during an altar call and he said to me "how long are you going to sit there?"

There is nothing we as the LBS can do or say to get them to snap out of it. Only going thru the process will tell whether they will wake up.

7 Make no mistake: God is not mocked, for a person will reap only what he sows, 8 because the one who sows for his flesh will reap corruption from the flesh, but the one who sows for the spirit will reap eternal life from the spirit. 9 Let us not grow tired of doing good, for in due time we shall reap our harvest, if we do not give up. Galatians 6:7-9

[Gordie]

Yes, I found that part eye opening too. Thank you for that scripture...awesome!

In an unrelated note:

What is the right MLC strategy to avoid being Plan B? I'm feeling that's where I am in my W's mind, in case her fantasy doesn't work out. I of course have encouraged this by our initial R talks (pre DB) where I said I would always be there for her and that I was letting her go in the hope that she would come back to me...that even if she could have any man in the world that she would choose me! I know dating is one strategy, but don't think that would be right for me.

[Bird]

Hi Gordie - I just wanted to stop by and say hello. I'm new here so like you, I'm looking for wisdom. I read your post on my thread and responded, but I'm still in moderation so either it's just out there somewhere waiting or I messed it up somehow.

Anyhow, I've spent a lot of time today reading lots of threads on the boards and I've read all of this one. I just wanted to say hang in there. You and I seem to be at the same point on this ride. I'd say high five in solidarity, but that seems too upbeat. Maybe that salute from the hunger games? That's more what it feels like to me, anyhow.

Have a good night, hope that you're able to rest. I find that the hardest, when I'm alone to think instead of sleeping. It's good to be here among friends.

[Gordie]

Hahaha... salute? Fist bump? I look forward to hearing your answers. I'm better at asking questions than answering them at this point.

My heart broke reading your story. You are a good writer! Keep posting as it really does force you to crystallize your thoughts and for me, it's that process which calms my mind and let's me process them and let go of them.

My favorite sleeping tactics? I'm not a big drinker but a whiskey before bed does wonders and is safer than sleeping pills. And when I wake up spinning with thoughts in the middle of the night? I have a prayer that I repeat over and over again until I fal back asleep and if that takes a long time, at least I've prayed a lot!

[Bird]

Whiskey is hard core! I had 3/4 of a bottle of wine when I found out about the office rumors on Friday night. It didn't help me sleep that time though. My doctor gave me xanax to sleep, but I try not to take it more than a couple of times a week so I don't make a habit out of it.

I have a prayer I say too - my sister posted this verse to her FB page a few weeks ago. "Whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." Mark 11:24

I struggle with my faith in times like these and often think why should I pray since there is supposed to be a Plan and why would my prayers influence it? When I'm in the right frame of mind I can get some relief saying "Thy will be done" or the serenity prayer, but most of the time I have trouble believing it. So I go back to that verse from Mark and I pray, but it's more like a mantra: "I ask You to restore our marriage. I believe You can, I know You can. I believe You will, I know You will." I think that's how I'm going to try to stay strong (in addition to GAL and working on myself).

Do you journal? I do like to write (I do not prefer to talk, oddly) so when I'm feeling really bad or can't sleep I journal. But my journal is just a series of letters to him, saying all the things that are on my mind that he wouldn't hear if I said them to him anyhow. It gets those emotions out without any damage.

[Gordie]

Be careful with the sleeping pills. You don't want to get hooked. I only have a shot on the days when I am really wanting one, not everyday.

This experience is certainly trying on the faith. So many unanswered prayers. I've been reading Psalms and suggest you read Psalm 13. We pray so fervently for God to act now and our timeline but it doesn't work that way. I'm doing everything to draw closer to God in this dark moment, asking God to increase the tiny seed of faith that I have. I'm certain that this is one of the purposes of this trial, to deepen my faith. I was coasting in my marriage, parenting, friends, faith, etc. and God is shaking me up!

I do some joyrnaling but I should do more.

[roist]

G,

Thanks for dropping by my thread. To answer a comment that you made about not seeing this as a gift, I understand your point. It is a terrible situation and it took me a LONG time to get to that point.

That being said look at some of what you have done which otherwise you may not have for example improved role as a father.

I am not a religious man, but I think you are being too focused on your prayers being unanswered. My understanding of it is God has basically three responses each of which is for your own best interest.
1 Yes. Prayer is answered and you get what you asked for.
2 No. You don't get it as God viewed it not in your best interest. Garth Brooks sings a good song about unanswered prayers being the best gifts from God
3 NOT YET. You need to let go of your need for a quick turnaround.IIt will happen if it is supposed to happen when the time is right. Have faith in that.

I am glad you are looking into the mindset of a WAS/MLCer. That will help you be understanding and react with empathy instead of a place of hurt.

Many have told you to stop focusing on timeline and deadlines etc. I understand you are hurtling towards D and you feel helpless. 10% of people who divorce remarry again later. That figure seems high to me but it is quoted around the net. So D does not mean the end.

Earlier on in my situation there were many times I was convinced this was it. I was sure that the end was imminent. Each time I realise I gave power to those feelings by feeding them. They crippled me. A year ago I had my last R talk with W, it was verbalised that she had checked out. I was unsure how to behave with her but I decided to carry on doing what I was doing. So I rolled over, kissed her goodnight and basically did not let my feelings dictate my actions. It is more complicated than that but a powerful lesson is to work towards not acting on feelings. Don't ignore feelings but don't let them decide you actions.

I again urge you to embrace the life you can have without W. Get excited about it. This will be good for you but also will do no harm for W to see you moving forward.

You do not stink at DB. It is hard and no one is perfect at it. I truly see hope in your situation. I cannot tell you the timeframe though. Best to not focus on that and concentrate on YOU.

Best wishes

[Gordie]

Roist,

Yes, you are right to keep reminding me of these things.

1. Yes, I am becoming a better man...whether or not I ever reconcile with my W...this is a gift...

2. Yes, I haven't gotten a yes to my prayers, but need to see that no or not yet...is also a gift...

3. Yes, reading more about MLC...including some of the books from the MLC recommended reading thread, very eye opening...I saw my W in one example where this happy, well-adjusted SAHM starts a sexual relationship with one of her son's 17 year old friends while he was on vacation with the family...at least my W has her sights set on someone above the drinking age!

4. Yes, I feel helpless...my wife is driving the bus...I've been a passenger and now I'm getting kicked off! My DB coach threw out that 10% number as well and I was surprised to hear that...I know it's up to the LBS to decide when it's over for them...

Curious to know: do most folks here throw in the towel at D or try to keep standing and waiting out the MLC?

5. "Earlier on in my situation there were many times I was convinced this was it. I was sure that the end was imminent. Each time I realise I gave power to those feelings by feeding them. They crippled me. A year ago I had my last R talk with W, it was verbalised that she had checked out. I was unsure how to behave with her but I decided to carry on doing what I was doing. So I rolled over, kissed her goodnight and basically did not let my feelings dictate my actions. It is more complicated than that but a powerful lesson is to work towards not acting on feelings. Don't ignore feelings but don't let them decide you actions."

Wow--this is amazing and inspiring. I need to get to this place. Most days, I still let my feelings dictate my actions, but am trying to be more conscious of what is happening and changing the dynamic.

6. Yes, I do need to get excited about the next phase of my life and concentrate on me...without my W...which while it is not my choice, it is my reality! I can't deny that any longer.

[Gordie]

So one of the things I have learned in this MLC community is that my W's inconsistent behavior/words are to be expected...I was thinking I was the one going crazy. So here's something that's been on my mind. My W feels like she needs to keep telling me why we are getting D (I don't initiate these discussions), but maybe she's just trying to convince herself There are at least four versions of the story, depending upon her mood:

1. You are the best husband and father and friend I could ever have. This is not about you or anything that you have done or not done. This is about me and needing to be free. It's not your fault. I love you.

2. We drifted apart. There were no major issues in our relationship. We had a lot of kids. We got busy. We didn't prioritize our relationship. It's no one's fault.

3. [Turn up the volume.] You didn't listen to me. You didn't understand me. You didn't support me. You talked down to me. You used me. You cared more about the kids than you cared about me. It's all your fault.

4. The POM makes me feel alive. If I hadn't met him, then I wouldn't be asking for a D. I may be making the stupidest mistake of my life, but I can't live with myself asking "What if? What if?" You don't meet all of my needs. He won't meet all of my needs. I need both of you in my life. We'll all be friends.

At the beginning, I'd get all emotional and try to beg/argue/defend myself. Now, I just listen and do my best to bite my tongue--really, really hard to do. Is that the right approach?