Hi completelylost. Sounds to me like you need to change your username
I realize there's some healthy debate going on in this thread, but I just wanted to post to say that I really needed to read what you initially posted. It's very encouraging for me right now. So thanks!
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
Hi Completelylost. thank you for coming back and posting. i really appreciated your advice. I was wondering if it would be possible to let us know a little more detail of how your wife came back to you and your thoughts on the process? thank you.
Married 6 years Separated 1 year Divorced 1/1/17 me 35 wife 30
I understand the questioning of some things, especially when you've grown so much. I did that too. We were fully back together, and still are, but I started to realize that I think I can do better. All I got out of the deal was a return of a cheating wife. I broke my co-dependence. I'm not dependent on anyone but myself now. That gives me a much better perspective on potential mates. I love my wife with all my heart. The thing is, I don't need her. I want her but I know for a fact I would be just fine without her. I don't "need" anyone. None of us do. My revelation of that and subsequent change in my demeanor as a result of it has really changed our entire dynamic. I was always the chaser of my wife. Now I'm the chased. We reversed rolls after her MLC/affairs.
All I got out of the deal was a return of a cheating wife
My question is, how can you trust her again after cheating?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
All I got out of the deal was a return of a cheating wife
My question is, how can you trust her again after cheating?
That's the million dollar question. For me, I don't. She knows I don't. I also don't care. I love her and treat her like a queen. If she wants to betray me again I can't stop her. The penalty would be I'd walk for good and never speak to her again even though we have three grown children together. Not one word. It's up to her to be trustworthy.
My question is, how can you trust her again after cheating?
That's the million dollar question. For me, I don't. She knows I don't. I also don't care. I love her and treat her like a queen. If she wants to betray me again I can't stop her.
Not to hijack completelylost's thread, but this was the a-ha moment for me and it's what convinced me to stop spying on my W. Once trust is broken it has to be rebuilt step by step over time with consistency. Spying or full disclosure really only gives you information. But having information doesn't help establish trust. In fact, the goal is to be able to trust with less information.
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
In fact, the goal is to be able to trust with less information.
Yes, that is the goal. But how can one trust someone who deceived them on so many levels?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
In fact, the goal is to be able to trust with less information.
Yes, that is the goal. But how can one trust someone who deceived them on so many levels?
Since I don't trust my wife I can't answer this question. I also struggle with the knowledge that she was willing to commit an act of cruelty to me and our marriage that is beyond imagination. I would never in a million years have thought that. We'll never have what we had. I've told her that. She killed that relationship. It was beautiful and innocent. I still believed in soul mates and that she and I were meant to be.
Now I know there is no such thing as soul mates and nothing is meant to be. People get together and can love each other but at any moment one of them can plunge a knife right into the other's heart, twist it, and watch them suffer without any sympathy for them. That is what cheaters do to the spouse they cheat on. I live with and love someone capable of that level of cruelty. She has spent many many hours crying of her own realization of that. If she hadn't finally broken down and had her "come to Jesus" moment we wouldn't be married.
I do love her. She loves me. Innocent soul mate love? Nope. Our innocence is dead and gone forever. She killed it. Now we have more grown up mature realist love knowing that although we love each other, nothing is guaranteed. Either spouse might just up and walk away at any moment. That's the reality for all of us. For some that scares them to death. It used to scare me. It doesn't anymore.
@SBJ: Yes I agree it is certainly a choice we make to spend our lives with another person. I'm not sure I'm fully understanding your 1st paragraph. Communication is not the problem for us at this particular moment in my relationship. Its not about giving me anything at all. It's about her growth as a person for her, irrespective of me. And for me like I said growth is mandatory.
I guess I meant have you communicated with her that she has not grown, have your two talked about where the two of you are in your personal growth, or is she unwilling to grow personally to catch up to you?
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
