Help - Setting Boundaries, WW in EA - Thread #3

[Woke_Up]

Bah, another day of ups and downs.

Bit of spew from W this morning, argued a bit, she said I could be as cold as I want and she would be colder - when I reminded her that she once said if the sitch was reversed she would freeze me out, she said that if it was reversed, I would be gone... I don't think she gets the irony here.

Went food shopping with D, then when I got home, W's new bed frame had arrived, so she sorted out her room while I worked outside.

Later she told me she loved me again, I said she already knew that I loved her. . I asked if she was still IN love with me and she said yes, and if she valued what she had with me more than the EA, and again she said yes. Again she said she would have to end it and suffer. She said she suspected that if she met OM in person she would quickly find out she didn't like him and it would be awful. I said I couldn't condone or approve of her meeting him and she knew that.

Later, I was feeling a bit upset about the room move (not because I'm not sleeping next to her, mostly because it looks like moving into an in house separation, which is at odds with what she said) - I asked her if she had written the letter (NC letter) and she said 'what letter' - I explained what I meant, based on what she had said, and she basically just fudged over it.

So, a day of 2 steps back. Not detached, and effectively pursuing by asking about R and NC letter.

I suspect this morning was a bit of an anger addiction hit for her, but that is just speculation. She is also feeling sad and a bit strange after the death of her grandmother. She is worrying who will die next, and she did say at one point she worried I was going to die and leave her on her own... she has said this before, that she has had a feeling I will die. She used it quite early on to almost say that she should be allowed to have OM as he would be able to look after her if I did die! Charming, isn't it.

Anyway, I'm going to start afresh tomorrow, although we will be taking D and SS to beach, as D desperately wants to go. I had planned on doing it on my own, but W wants to go.

I'm going to work on controlling my big mouth. I say too much when I get dragged into arguments, or when I let things prey on my mind. I need to try and find some way of getting out of the house and calming down.

Still reading the 37 rules each day

[Woke_Up]

Monday - got back from work, straight into grief from WW about bedrooms, telling me that my room (MBR) was going to be the spare room, anyone could go in there and all the junk was going in there, and her room was hers and private, etc.

Later I said I was going out, she asked why, so I vented a bit, told her I was sick of getting home from work and being treated like I was the one having the affair and being punished. She actually apologised to me later. She sent me a song to listen to while I was out in the garden walking to calm me down.

Tuesday - last day at work, had leaving drinks with the team, got home late so didn't see WW at all.

Today, was fine most of the day, W gave me a random hug at one point, but we got into an argument later, and I said some stupid things. It was about my parenting style, and W was spewing at me, and unfortunately I said I didn't want D to be like her, or me. That was a stupid thing to say. I was focused on the way she was raging, and that was what I meant, but it was a pretty awful thing to say, and W rightly got mad at me. I'm mad at myself.

Anyway, I got some home truths from W, and TBH, some of them were fair - I come across as patronising, condescending, always want to be right.

I try to be calm while she rages, but that doesn't work for her, she feels I am coming across as passive aggressive and condescending.

I will take note and work on this. Even though it was in an argument, it is good for me to see how I am coming across, and can work on 180'ing this.

I did go into W's room and apologised to her and made it clear that I did like her (she had taken my comments as meaning I didn't like who she was as a person).

I am focusing on the job hunt at the moment, I have a pretty solid lead for my next contract - I am invited back for a 2nd interview on Friday, and I am the only candidate being invited back - it is supposed to be an informal interview to meet some other team members, so I am feeling positive about that. One of the other opportunities hasn't materialised, at least not in the right way - they offered a fixed term contract rather than a day rate limited company contract, which doesn't work for me. I also had another call about a potential contract - a place that offered me a job 18 months ago - it's not ideal, so I am concentrating on option 1 at the moment, but if that doesn't happen then this will be a fall back.

Just coming on here calms me down.

I think I will go for the coaching once I get the next contract in the bag.

[sandi2]

Duct tape you mouth closed, b/c it is your worst enemy at the moment. You must stop engaging in arguments. It takes two people to argue. Don't hang around and take her spew. Why would you let someone berate you? Get the heck out of Dodge.

Woke, you need to stop telling her you love her. That's basic DBing101. Stop telling her you don't want a divorce, etc. She gets it. And when she throws around the ILY'S and gives a hug once in a while.......it means nothing. Those are her manipulation tools to keep you in the spot you are currently experiencing. Do not believe anything she says.......and that includes "ILY, I'm going to end things with OM", etc. You look at her actions! She is not acting like a woman who is planning to end her A. She is getting more space and private time away from her H......not closer.

She is still calling the shots in your house. As long as she is in supreme reign, the dynamics will cotinue to get worse. At the moment, you need to stop trying to change things by talking to her. Stop going from one extreme to the other. You go from ice to hot words, and she can play the game better than you. She as already told you twice how things would be if it were you having an A.

When I was engaged in an A, I got busted by my grown D. She was not angry or acting judgemental, but sadly said, "You know you would not put up with Dad treating you that way....not for one second". And.....she was correct, and I knew I would have left or kicked him out in a flash, if the situation was reversed. Just like your WW knows what she would do, too. I think those basic personality differences (for lack of a better word) have a lot to do with what separates the LBH and WW....and the dynamics in their MR. Yes, she knows she is treating you like cr@p, and she knows she would never stand for you to treat her the way she is treating you! Every single wayward woman has that mentality,b/c it comes from her own arrogance and disrespect.

[Gordie]

Anyway, I got some home truths from W, and TBH, some of them were fair - I come across as patronising, condescending, always want to be right.

I try to be calm while she rages, but that doesn't work for her, she feels I am coming across as passive aggressive and condescending.

I will take note and work on this. Even though it was in an argument, it is good for me to see how I am coming across, and can work on 180'ing this.

How do you come across as patronising and condescending and always needing to be right? A lot of Ws have these complaints and I'm trying to better understand them. I too am calm when my W rages.

[Gordie]

When I was engaged in an A, I got busted by my grown D. She was not angry or acting judgemental, but sadly said, "You know you would not put up with Dad treating you that way....not for one second". And.....she was correct, and I knew I would have left or kicked him out in a flash, if the situation was reversed. Just like your WW knows what she would do, too. I think those basic personality differences (for lack of a better word) have a lot to do with what separates the LBH and WW....and the dynamics in their MR. Yes, she knows she is treating you like cr@p, and she knows she would never stand for you to treat her the way she is treating you! Every single wayward woman has that mentality,b/c it comes from her own arrogance and disrespect.

Wow, what an awesome daughter!

[sandi2]

Thank you Gordie. Yes, she was an awesome daughter.

[Woke_Up]

and that includes "ILY, I'm going to end things with OM", etc. You look at her actions! She is not acting like a woman who is planning to end her A. She is getting more space and private time away from her H......not closer.

You're right. I know, I know. I'm working on it. The arguments have been a feature of our R all the way through, even in the early days. It's really difficult for me to change that dynamic, there's a lot of unlearning. And yes, you are hitting the nail on the head with regards to her words about OM and her actions - like yesterday evening she said again she wasn't going to leave me, and that she would end it and would need my help, to take her phones away or something like that... and within an hour, while I had gone out to buy dinner for the family, she had been on skype to OM telling him she loved him.

She is still calling the shots in your house. As long as she is in supreme reign, the dynamics will cotinue to get worse. At the moment, you need to stop trying to change things by talking to her. Stop going from one extreme to the other. You go from ice to hot words, and she can play the game better than you. She as already told you twice how things would be if it were you having an A.

That's the thing isn't it - a W can pretty much get the upper hand if the H doesn't want to break up the family. I would have to move out, and that goes against DBing - much as I think the space would help and she would start to find things quite a bit more difficult on her own.

Just like your WW knows what she would do, too. I think those basic personality differences (for lack of a better word) have a lot to do with what separates the LBH and WW....and the dynamics in their MR. Yes, she knows she is treating you like cr@p, and she knows she would never stand for you to treat her the way she is treating you! Every single wayward woman has that mentality,b/c it comes from her own arrogance and disrespect.

Yes, while I agree, the issue of breaking up the family is what is different. She would keep the kids if it was the other way round. I would have to leave, she would get to stay in the house, and I would still have to pay the mortgage, as it is in joint names, and comes out of my bank account. Yes, I could give her the bills, but she would probably manage on the child maintenance I would pay given my current employment, up to the point where I took a lower paid job closer to home to enable me to see my children more.

Plus, she still has my b@lls, as you have quite rightly pointed out. Detaching is proving so difficult for me.

Thanks for your response again, Sandi, it is much appreciated, as always.

[Woke_Up]

How do you come across as patronising and condescending and always needing to be right? A lot of Ws have these complaints and I'm trying to better understand them. I too am calm when my W rages.

She says it is my tone of voice, and choice of words. She did an impression, you would have to hear it That I sound like a teacher talking to a student rather than adult to adult.

[Woke_Up]

Really struggling not to contact OM today... sick of this pretence that I am an ex, and I want to move things along to where W has to make a choice.

Is it quite common in other people's sitch's that the WW makes up a fantasy to go with the EA (or PA if applicable) and pretends the H isn't there, or isn't the H any more?

[Gordie]

Really struggling not to contact OM today... sick of this pretence that I am an ex, and I want to move things along to where W has to make a choice.

Is it quite common in other people's sitch's that the WW makes up a fantasy to go with the EA (or PA if applicable) and pretends the H isn't there, or isn't the H any more?

In your mind, what are pros and cons of contacting OM? Would it get you closer or further from your goal?

As you know, my W has her own fantasy but doesn't pretend I'm not here or still her H. The fact that I am still her H is what is bugging her!