Help - Setting Boundaries, WW in EA - Thread #3

[Woke_Up]

Old thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2722974&page=11

[Woke_Up]

Following Rose's advice always works for me. She is wise.

I did, I fixed it and removed any blocks on her devices.

Actions speak louder than words. Do the right thing immediately. If the time and place is right for an apology, then do so but with no expectations that your W will think better of you or forgive you. Do it because you think it is the right thing to do.

Well, we talked a bit and she went to bed shortly after, so the apology will need to be this morning. The thing is, I know the issue is I haven't detached. I only know for sure she was contacting OM because I went looking for the evidence. I'm also internally conflicted a bit because I feel I am still acting like she has my balls in her purse, but I reacted to this feeling in the wrong way.

Interestingly, she was initially angry - she said she would have a battle of wills with me and I would lose - which is why I three the router - that took away my capacity to cave in to her. She then said she would exact revenge, but she wouldn't do it in the heat of the moment like me, she would plan it carefully... My response was there was very little left she could do to hurt me. But then she calmed down, and we talked. Calmly, rationally - depending in your point of view. I think the fact that there was no battle to be had helped. I don't know.

She told me that it would end soon - I queried whether she meant the A or us. She said she meant the A. So I told her that if she knew that, then she knew what to do, that there was no right time, or letting OM down gently (as Sandi has told me previously). She claimed OM made her feel guilty and that she thought he may even kill himself. I just said I doubted he would, but if he did, it wasn't her fault. She said that she didn't think OM would take it much longer and he would make her choose - I asked her what she would choose and she said me.

That's what I find ridiculous. She will choose me if forced to choose by OM, but she won't choose me if not forced to choose. I did ask her did she see the problem with what she was saying? That she didn't respect me enough to make the decision now, that there was resentment and that she perceived me as the enemy, and that there were many things from our past that we needed to work out. I also said there was a but... but we had chosen to love each other. that after time, love is a choice, and we had made that choice, both of us. I also used KentS quote "Relationships are hard work. The soul mate stuff is crap', told her that I had read it somewhere, not where I had read it.

Anyway, time to withdraw, as Rose said. It's actually time. I just wish I knew how to do it more effectively.

Further, if your boundary is NC with the OM does it matter if it happens in the home or elsewhere? W continues to contact OM. Some DR stories say to ignore the OM as he is a symptom and not the cause of your problems. This is what I am doing, but others here say it is insane to ignore. What is right in your situation?

My feelings on this vary day to day. You're right. I had stated my boundary is NC in the house, but actually, that's just focusing on the perceived sanctity of the family home (an Englishman's home is his castle, right?) while ignoring the sanctity of the R, which is being trashed. Things did seem to go better for me when I was able to ignore it, but then I got suckered back into 'helpful husband' mode, which made me crash even harder on Sunday when it became apparent that there had been no changes on her part.

Sandi has hit the nail on the head, with how to deal with this. I know what I have to do, but I am scared to do it, and she has rightly identified fear of the LBH as being the biggest blocker. Every time WW has thought that we were actually going to end, she has pulled back and fought against it. When she doesn't feel like we are going to end, she goes deeper into the EA.

[Woke_Up]

Boundaries are only good when you can control them respectfully. You can only control yourself.

I see. I was not able to do this, so let myself react in an uncontrolled, somewhat childish manner.

There are five forms of apologies and each person responds different to each one.

You can find a better description of this on this thread.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2724890#Post2724890

Thanks Seeker. That is a good read. I think I need to apologise and acknowledge that I was trying to control what she was doing and my reaction was inappropriate.

[Gordie]

Wow, those are huge developments. You will be in my prayers.

When you say you know what you need to do, what does that mean?

When your W says she will exact revenge, what does that mean?

[Woke_Up]

Wow, those are huge developments. You will be in my prayers.

Thanks Gordie. I'm just frustrated that she can see that she will choose me if she is forced but won't do it now when it is literally pulling the family apart - and also that I can't even take this at face value as she has said similar before and has made no steps to change. As Sandi and others have said over & over again - The behaviour and actions have to match the words.

When you say you know what you need to do, what does that mean?

Extract myself from being in a relationship rather than just saying it. Mentally leave the R. I haven't done this to date. Start looking at a life without her in it.

When your W says she will exact revenge, what does that mean?

The lord only knows.. could be many things. She has more than enough capability to make things thoroughly unpleasant, from verbal abuse, to taking over parts of the house, for preventing any of my GAL activities.

I don't think it will come to that now. I sent her a text with an apology this morning, with regards to the internet. I didn't get a response, didn't really expect one. Other than that I just sent her a short reminder that it was D's horse riding lesson after school today.

Just heard from her now, she wants me to go home early so she can go to hospital, sounds like her grandmother (wife of the grandfather that died in December) is dying - poor woman was suffering with dementia and ill health anyway, I think the loss of her husband has been too much.

There's a lot on W's plate at the moment with that, with the depression and anxiety she still suffers from. She also got her blood test results back and was diagnosed with Vitamin D deficiency. Then there's the EA. I want to be supportive for the other bits without being too much of a pushover on her waywardness.

I think this will be a trial and error thing over the coming weeks/months.

I'll update soon.

[Gordie]

Extract myself from being in a relationship rather than just saying it. Mentally leave the R. I haven't done this to date. Start looking at a life without her in it.

Struggling to do this myself...so will be looking for pointers from you...dang, this is hard, as MWD says, the hardest thing you've ever done in your life...

[Woke_Up]

Just trying to maintain a bit of distance at the moment.

No contact during the day, and not being too talkative or close at home, just said goodnight from the doorway when she went to bed early. She is out of the MBR now.

It's difficult, despite the anger and sadness, I do miss being in the same bed - I had been out of the MBR so long due to looking after D and early mornings (much longer than I should have allowed) that I just wanted to get back in & be close even after the BD - I foolishly thought it would help heal us, & I missed the closeness. It's very lonely, but it is also necessary, and avoids the temptation of physicality.

[Cristy]

Hello Woke_up,

I'm glad that you spoke with a L. It is so important to know what to expect from a legal stand point.

At this point you can't believe any of what your wife says and only half of what she does. Focus on being the best Woke_up and Dad that only a fool would leave.

The best advice I can give you is to call a Divorce Busting Coach today. Many of your online friends will agree that Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best advice on how to save your marriage and keep your family together. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004. We work with many, many people that are overseas and working out the time difference isn't an issue.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[Gordie]

She told me that it would end soon

So, has she ended it yet?

In your very first thread, you said your W said she loved the OM and that she loved you. Has she said she no longer loves the OM? Does she still say she loves you?

[Woke_Up]

[So, has she ended it yet?

Oh, hell no.

In your very first thread, you said your W said she loved the OM and that she loved you. Has she said she no longer loves the OM? Does she still say she loves you?

She has not said she no longer loves him. She still tells him she loves him from what I have seen on her Skype.

She still says she loves me, although the last time was Sunday night. She has been more removed this week, mirroring my withdrawal. I actually wonder if she's doing it to see if she can pull me close by doing it. She said after the internet argument that she would choose me, as she believed OM would make her choose soon.

Make of that what you will. Hey, I would completely expect her to tell OM she would choose him if he asked the question - it's quite difficult to break the status quo - unless she gets on a plane or he gets on a plane, or one of us pushes for a separation. I don't want to push that, I don't think it would necessarily help. Yes, it may snap her out of it, but then again it may not. I will only push for a sep when I get to the point of not being able to live in the same house any more.

Anyway, her grandma died today, so I will go and see how she is doing. That's both grandparents on her father's side in just over a month. She's feeling pretty sad about it from what I can tell, although we've only exchanged a couple of texts. I want to be supportive without giving the wrong signals