Never apologize Zues, our friendship lasts outside the times we don't meet each here. I think of you often.
As for the 3 ball, I'm in. !!!! I had a conversation with my lovely new man last week, and I said if I came across Mr Ex, I would still feel the desire to punch him in his face. You made me laugh. You're better late at night than you think
Much love, Zues I read everything your write still, coming up two years my friend!!
So this is how the story goes; three years ago the man I thought I would spend my forever with, the man who I thought I would have been engaged to this year or even married to this year ended our relationship, suddenly and unexpectedly when I fell into a deep depression which had me feeling suicidal. I found this site and many good friends who breathed life back into me.
So here I am three years older and with someone new. He really is the perfect fit for me in most if not all ways. Our relationship is not perfect, it is real with many ups and downs and barriers and great joys and he contributes a level and happiness I have never experienced in my adult life. I love him, respect him, adore and I believe I accept him. I feel unconditionally loved and accepted for the first time in my life, and feel his unquestionable commitment to me. Something I never experienced in my previous relationships.
The challenges of our relationship include a long distance his northern hemisphere to my southern. We have maintained our relationship over almost 18 months daily facetime and three monthly visits make this work. The challenge right now are visas and work. Will we ever be in the same country together?
There is his young adult children adapting to their parents divorce and an ex wife, who didn't want him, but doesn't want anyone else to have him. All this we manage; I manage 90% of the time. I am frustrated and angry, sad and doubtful the other 5% of the time, the other 5% dealing with all the FOO issues and relationship baggage that I bring. Somewhere in there we deal with his baggage and other stuff too.
If you know my story you will know that happiness in life as been elusive to me and contributed to the breakdown of my previous relationship. I can honestly say hand on heart I am happy and this new man and this site and MWD contributed to my ability to feel and live in a state of happiness.
So having said all that I am feeling lost, directionless and uncertain of myself in relation to the future I am anticipating with this gorgeous man. I keep coming back to the question who am I as wait to be with him. Fortune indicates that it is likely another 12 to 24 months away that we can be together.
I feel I have become fixated on a me and life is 2 years away. Who and what do I do in the meantime? I have no motivation for the here and now, no motivation for myself right now. I feel this is the same mistake I have made through my previous relationship so focussed on the future I could never be in my present.
I feel so jumbled in myself. I am the best version of myself; I grew from losing my relationship; from DBing; I am better partner with my new man but know I am far from being the person I want to be. I am overwhelmed and lost. How do I step into my own skin and feel myself in the here and now?
I can't describe what I am searching from, what I am feeling lost in. I have everything I ever wanted, delayed slightly in its final presentation ( to be with my love full time building a life together), so why do I feel so lost and empty????
Your post concerns me in 2 respects (but makes me happy in other ways, too!)
The concerns are 1) that you are putting your happiness on hold, which I can only assume also happened before, when here.
Relative to my timeline and experience, both of your R's were not very long. (sorry if that offends) and neither were committed marriages.
2) there's something that sounds...not sure of the word, but maybe "incomplete"??
Please, make no mistake, I know you have grown.
I have some well intended questions for you, since you seem to be asking the generic ones...okay? Here goes...
How much time have you two spent together , consecutively? Given the honeymoon phase of all new R's, isn't that pretty important?
How much age difference is there and how are his children doing? How recent was the divorce and how long were they m?
Why did he really divorce his wife?
It's easy - oh so easy to demonize an ex wife. God only knows what my h has said to his OW.
I imagine not a single word about my being in the hospital ICU while they were together...and then he left me alone, unable to drive or bathe and while very impaired...yeah, I'm sure he failed to mention that.
I'm sure he didn't mention the incredibly long period of deceit in which I did NOT know he was "so miserable" and "had not been happy for X years..." In fact, we were interviewed a year ago, for having a "wonderful long term marriage"...on national TV...
You are smart enough to know that a WAH has a very different narrative than the mother of his children. IF his children are old enough to be out of the house, and are yet are not close to him...for me, that's a red flag. There is only so much an angry ex wife can say or do to change their vision...
ANYHOW...
I read this elsewhere and I'll just post it for you to consider.
***Marriage is not about two people completing each other! A secure marriage is built on two complete individuals coming together to share each other’s lives; being whole is the job of the individual.***
Make sense? So, Why are you waiting to be happy, until if and when he's around? What are you bringing to the table if you are not "complete" without him? Why aren't you happy, now?
IS there the possibility that being with THIS guy, means you are destined to avoid the full on intimacy and real commitment that would come with marriage or a full time committed r?
Okay yikes, I know that's^^^ a lot to ponder.
Keep at it and I promise to go easier next time. I think you are wise to be asking questions of yourself - indeed, we'd all be crazy not to question our next r's.
My T hammered me to "NOT Marry the first guy i date" as it's too reactive. She really pressed me on that.
Almost makes me afraid to date b/c apparently I am not going to marry the first 2-3+ guys!
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Your post concerns me in 2 respects (but makes me happy in other ways, too!)
The concerns are 1) that you are putting your happiness on hold, which I can only assume also happened before, when here.
Relative to my timeline and experience, both of your R's were not very long. (sorry if that offends) and neither were committed marriages.
I'm not offended 25. My place here was always as observer to those that fought the good fight to have something I never had but longed for. You are right. My relationship life and exposure to physical and emotional intimacy came late in life. I was 35 and very healing from a pretty lonely isolated childhood, adolescence and young adulthood. I dated extensively in my 30's. So I have my experience there, where you have it marriage. Dating does not scare me at all. See we all have our experience in something
2) there's something that sounds...not sure of the word, but maybe "incomplete"??
Please, make no mistake, I know you have grown.
I have some well intended questions for you, since you seem to be asking the generic ones...okay? Here goes...
How much time have you two spent together , consecutively? Given the honeymoon phase of all new R's, isn't that pretty important?
I am loathed to declare the actual time for fear of judgement. I feel defended in responding but I will be honest. the longest of any period we have spent together is two weeks. We do however Facetime for between 1-2 hours every night and between 4-7 hours on a weekend, depending on the weekend
How much age difference is there and how are his children doing? How recent was the divorce and how long were they m?
There is two years age difference between us. The divorce well that has turned out to be complicated matter and to be perfectly honest not the details of mine to share. Let's say it is ongoing and from my view likely not resolving any time soon. His children well they are older late teens early 20's and I think restrained in expressing to much about their family breaking up and parents separating. They are obviously loyal and protective of their parents. My personal sense is they know and feel more than they express.
Why did he really divorce his wife? she was unwilling to end her affair.
It's easy - oh so easy to demonize an ex wife. God only knows what my h has said to his OW. I have no reason to demonize his ex. I have not desire to do so. For sure her decisions and behaviours impact us greatly. But we, I have no control over her.
I imagine not a single word about my being in the hospital ICU while they were together...and then he left me alone, unable to drive or bathe and while very impaired...yeah, I'm sure he failed to mention that.
I'm sure he didn't mention the incredibly long period of deceit in which I did NOT know he was "so miserable" and "had not been happy for X years..." In fact, we were interviewed a year ago, for having a "wonderful long term marriage"...on national TV...
You are smart enough to know that a WAH has a very different narrative than the mother of his children. IF his children are old enough to be out of the house, and are yet are not close to him...for me, that's a red flag. There is only so much an angry ex wife can say or do to change their vision...
ANYHOW...
I read this elsewhere and I'll just post it for you to consider.
***Marriage is not about two people completing each other! A secure marriage is built on two complete individuals coming together to share each other’s lives; being whole is the job of the individual.***
Make sense? So, Why are you waiting to be happy, until if and when he's around? What are you bringing to the table if you are not "complete" without him? Why aren't you happy, now? I think this is the crux 25. I am happy. In the relationship aspect of my life I couldn't be happier. I feel at ease and contented. Yet I am un-contented with myself. I don't know where to put my energies, my days are tasked with the everyday. My job is great, I have some momentum in my career, a recent promotion of sorts; my living situation exploded recently as living with family - I am unsettled and uncertain as to what is next- this I think is providing me with more anxiety than I think. There is a certain feeling of limbo that is pervading. It's unsettling to me
IS there the possibility that being with THIS guy, means you are destined to avoid the full on intimacy and real commitment that would come with marriage or a full time committed r? I have been careful not to get caught up in the smoke and mirrors of online long distance relationships . I understand all too well the traps of doing so. Time will be the testament to answering your question. From everything I have seen and feel I can attest to believing this man's ability to commitment and engage in intimacy has been apparent to me on a daily basis for 18 months. He stayed in a 20 year marriage for a reason and attempted to heal his marriage for two years with no success.
Okay yikes, I know that's^^^ a lot to ponder.
Keep at it and I promise to go easier next time. I think you are wise to be asking questions of yourself - indeed, we'd all be crazy not to question our next r's. I believe what your questions have shown me, is my crisis is not about my relationship but about ME. I don't feel like the weak submissive girlfriend I have been in the past. I see myself as woman separate from the role of partner or hope girlfriend desiring to be a wife. The last three years have allowed me to see myself in my fullness warts and all, broken bits included. But who is this new person?
My T hammered me to "NOT Marry the first guy i date" as it's too reactive. She really pressed me on that.
Almost makes me afraid to date b/c apparently I am not going to marry the first 2-3+ guys! Don't be afraid 25, dating is an adventure if you let it be, and if want to find out who you are and where you need to grow, it will show you. Rule of thumb let people show you who they and don't invest in them until they do.
Sending some love to Zues. Can't send you some love on your thread so have to do it on mine. Hopefully you are floating around the radar. Just wanted to say hi and to let you know I was thinking about you. Life is good my end, no less or more complicated than usual. Was in the US over the summer, had amazingly comfortable and easy time with my lovely man, he came back here to NZ for a short period and it was everything I could ask for. I have a new place to live, independent again living with a friend I have known for a number of years, things look positive. Work is a tension right now, but hey not every aspect of life can be working 100% right?
jelly, I do remember you. I am glad you posted on my thread. It prompted me to visit yours. Your first post on this thread was just beautiful. One of the nicest I have ever read.
We are all trying to find ourselves in this world. I have a theory that we only know ourselves in the end. in other words, life is like a book and we don't "get" the characters (ourselves, in this case) until the last page, when we see how the story ends, when everything finally fits into place. Sure, there are things that we want to do, and ways we want to be, or ways that we imagine ourselves. We are all searching for meaning. Thing is, you may not know what the meaning was until the end. Two books that helped me focus on this are The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Steven Covey, and Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other. I wish your mother recovery and much comfort.
