The Fab 5 and Dad

[J5K]

Hello everyone!

Last year this time I was a complete emotional mess, did everything wrong as XW was trying to negotiate with me about the move and the boys. I was so controlling and angry.

This year I am just sad she is not around any longer to see her kids. I still love her but she has gone NC with us. She has not called the boys since their last visit with her on Christmas Eve.

I have been able to get some help to organize the house and get things settled in. It is amazing how many things a person can accumulate over a short amount of time. We literally are able to furnish two houses.

I hope to be posting more positive updates this time around and less about my emotions and feelings. Lord knows I have a lot to deal with raising the Fab 5!

[Vanilla]

Welcome to the Big D Jim.

Happy New Year to you and the boys.


V

[J5K]

Thank you V!

As always great to hear from you!

[PsySara]

Hi Jim,

While I am not yet facing the big D I still plan on coming to visit you here. You are my friend and I tend to stick around my friends like a fungus.

[J5K]

On NYE XW texted to speak with the boys later in the day, I mentioned they were available now to talk. She said OK, so she spoke to them. She did not call them on Christmas Day. After she spoke to the boys XW and I spoke. I offered her the boys and said I would drop them off either on Jan 1 in the evening or during the day on Jan 2 since they have an extra week vacation before school starts. I also stated I did not need a response at that time and she could think about it.

XW calls back 10 minutes later and starts to spew that I always change plans last minute and what is convenient for me. I stated that I was not trying to do that and that I was looking for a simple yes or no answer. I followed up with I will take it as a no and politely hung up the phone.

On Jan 2 I texted my L and told her about the convo. L asked if I had it in writing, I said no. I said her excuse was she was not getting a car until Wednesday and that she did not have time to book a hotel to stay with the boys.

It is very clear to me that FIL does not want the boys staying at his home anymore.

I crafted a follow up email seeing if XW wanted to take the boys for a few days after she gets her new car and she replied again with more blame on me and stated no. At least I have this in writing now.

Two nights ago a close friend of mine told me that XW is now on OM4. Friend did some FB stalking of new OM and sent me a pic of XW and OM. Apparently now she is dating a firefighter and ended the "serious relationship" she had with the police officer. New OM has two small boys around ages 3 and 5.

I think XW is now playing watching new OM's boys.


I was a bit melancholy on the 30th and 31st thinking back on my emotional state a year ago and how there was potential to save the M.

Now I am more numb to what XW is doing and how she has moved on with her life. I still get sick thinking about how she is just focusing on herself and not wanting to communicate more with the boys.

[Jug]

That is sickening and I will pray for you, your boys, and your xw. I'm far behind you but think that detachment is even important to you now than ever for your sanity and ability to move forward.

[Georgia Bulldogs]

On NYE XW texted to speak with the boys later in the day, I mentioned they were available now to talk. She said OK, so she spoke to them. She did not call them on Christmas Day. After she spoke to the boys XW and I spoke. I offered her the boys and said I would drop them off either on Jan 1 in the evening or during the day on Jan 2 since they have an extra week vacation before school starts. I also stated I did not need a response at that time and she could think about it.

XW calls back 10 minutes later and starts to spew that I always change plans last minute and what is convenient for me. I stated that I was not trying to do that and that I was looking for a simple yes or no answer. I followed up with I will take it as a no and politely hung up the phone.

There really is no winning with a person lost in sin. Her selfish entitlement is telling her she should have the boys all the time and you should disappear. Her fantasy alternate reality tells her you aren't nice, everything you do is manipulative, you can't handle the boys yourself, you don't really want the boys at all but only "kept" them from her to punish and manipulate her. But when you offer them up to her last minute like this --- even offering to drive them to her BBBBBUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTT she has other plans with OM #3, #4 or whichever all of the sudden her kids become an inconvenience and at the slightest inclination of feeling guilty (what mom in her situation wouldn't drop everything to spend an extra week with her kids) she therefore has to twist it in her mind to make this your fault that REALITY isn't allowing her to see the kids despite your generous offer. No doubt she'll mentally fall back shortly to the "Jim can't handle the boys that's why he hoped I'd take them off his hands, so I just said no so he can suffer" and "pretty soon he'll be begging me to take the boys, I just need to set myself up with a place we can all live together and then the boys will be with me someday" (It's always someday with this fantasy dreamers).

On Jan 2 I texted my L and told her about the convo. L asked if I had it in writing, I said no. I said her excuse was she was not getting a car until Wednesday and that she did not have time to book a hotel to stay with the boys.

It is very clear to me that FIL does not want the boys staying at his home anymore.

I crafted a follow up email seeing if XW wanted to take the boys for a few days after she gets her new car and she replied again with more blame on me and stated no. At least I have this in writing now.

Good documentation. It's always a good idea to keep a dated journal of such even if u just copy/paste your individual posts from here and insert it into a calendar app of some kind.

Two nights ago a close friend of mine told me that XW is now on OM4. Friend did some FB stalking of new OM and sent me a pic of XW and OM. Apparently now she is dating a firefighter and ended the "serious relationship" she had with the police officer. New OM has two small boys around ages 3 and 5.
I think XW is now playing watching new OM's boys.

Her priority is and until she repents will remain herself. It's why your boys need your protection and they are better off "visiting" mom far away but living primary around you and your family of origin. Spend time with your female relatives so the boys are exposed to decent strong women to counterbalance the short changing they got for a mother.

Single women with young boys can be targets for deviant sexual pedophiles. Educate yourself on how to watch for red-flags and how best to defend your children in age appropriate manner against such men that may be around your ex-wife during their "visitation" the next few years. The statistics regarding such are horrifying.

I was a bit melancholy on the 30th and 31st thinking back on my emotional state a year ago and how there was potential to save the M.

Now I am more numb to what XW is doing and how she has moved on with her life. I still get sick thinking about how she is just focusing on herself and not wanting to communicate more with the boys.

Communicating with the boys she does only out of obligation and she probably cries every time after she speaks to them. She avoids calling because it makes her FEEL bad and reality is too be avoided at all costs. If she's throwing herself at this new guy and his kids, it's simply to fill & avoid the void she's FEELING about your/her own children. She THINKS it's helping her feel better, but's it's not really. She blames others but as you and everyone else pulls away she's left alone and bitter about the life she can eventually only blame herself for. I would not be surprised at all if she were utilizing crutches now. She's probably using alcohol and/or pills to TRY to escape the pain of waywardism. It's a dark place so it's not surprising at all she's no longer the shining light she used to be -- darkness is actually defined as the absence of light.

Unless she repents - you (and your boys) will be far better off without her around at all.

I do want to indicate there is always hope. Include her in your prayers because it would be nice for the boys to have a Godly mother again someday despite the divorce. I don't think anyone is incapable of changing but the impetus has to come from within her now. She's God's job and no longer your responsibility. As the only remaining healthy parent, your job is YOUR health and physical/mental well-being. Your boys need you.

[J5K]

GB,

I always appreciate your advice and comments! I read them multiple times to ensure I soak in every detail.

The boys and I are finally settling in to our new home...we are slowly inching into some normalcy...first week in the new school has been good, no issues so far.

XW continues to only contact the boys once per week minimum.

XW and S7 had their birthday a little over a week ago. XW calls to wish S7 a Happy Birthday while we were out to dinner, I answered, wished her a Happy Birthday and passed the phone to the boys. Our tradition has been that the birthday boy gets to pick the meal of their choice.

NC then from XW for about a week. I start to prep to have the boys visit with their mom over MLK weekend as the JOD states that visits in TO will occur on long weekends. I text XW to confirm and she states she wants to take them the last weekend of the month. I stated that is not what the JOD says, she refuses to take them after a couple of phone conversations and XW spewing that I am trying to control things and that she has other plans. She and I go back and forth with the L's and ultimately she does not take the kids.

XW asks me to meet her earlier on the last weekend as the boys have a half a day, I stated that I cannot due to work and the only thing I can offer is for her to pick them up after their half day of school and that I would meet her halfway on the return home. She gets upset saying that is not how it works and that she gets to pick the weekends she has visits with the boys.

L's are now going back and forth on discussions to lock things down even more where it will clearly state that XW has visits either the 1st and 3rd weekend of every month or 2nd and 4th to end this banter.

Last couple of days have been a bit of a rollercoaster, XW gives me windows of when she will contact the boys and never follows through with calling during those times, she kept saying she wanted to talk to them to find out how their first day of school was and never did after the week was over. Yesterday S2 had a birthday and turned 3! We had a great day! My family came over and we celebrated. XW stated she would call between 6pm and 630pm and ended up calling at 655pm. If it wasn't a special occasion I never would have answered the phone, but I did and let her speak with the boys. I am handed the phone back and wish her a good night and she wants to start to talk about other things, I politely tell her I have company over and need to get back to the party and hang up. She tries to call back twice and I do not answer either time.

Later around 10:45 or 11pm she starts to text about various things, I do not respond as I was exhausted and was in bed trying to get some sleep, she starts to call and I hang up, she continues to call about 12 times and I finally had to turn off my phone.

It is clear she has no consideration for my schedule and how busy it is, yet I have to be considerate of hers, which I have offered as much flexibility in mine as I can.

I am not sure how long this anger in her will last, I do know that she has made some threating comments that continue to solidify that she is going to ask for change of custody of the boys at a certain time, in the near future.

We will have to deal with that when it comes.

On a positive note, the school system is great and the boys are really enjoying settling into the new home and school. I have been interviewing part time sitters also and think I may have found a few candidates. My goal right now is to get into a good routine by the end of the month and get back to some sort of normal.

[Dawn70]

My goodness, my heart goes out to you! Sounds like your XW if just super unreasonable. I am glad you have found some peace in your new place and that your sons are settling in and adjusting to everything. Hang in there!

[Painter]

Hi Jim,

You sound like you are in a good place, apart from all the dealings with XW. I get the impression that you are feeling good about your choices and you seem more at peace. I hope this confirms that you made the right choice to not move to Toronto! I can only imagine how you would have been living completely on her terms there.

I'm going to encourage you to have even firmer boundaries with XW. There is no reason to let her call 12 times late at night before you silence your phone. She's obviously not calling to talk to the children and there was no emergency, I assume. It almost makes me wonder if she was drunk...

But it is good documentation for how she communicates. It's enough, though, the pattern is going to be clear in court. Now you can show the court how well you handle it to minimize drama.

I think calling for the children at 6:55 when the agreement is between 6 and 6:30 is fine. I would answer even if it's not a special occassion. You don't want to be seen as too strict - it is after all about the children. You don't want to restrict access to the children unless it is extremely unreasonable (demanding you wake them up to speak, calling at 6am or during church on a Sunday, etc.). This is about *their* right to contact with their mother, not *her* rights. Keep that in mind (that's what the judge does) and you can't step wrong.

Her contact with you can be routed through L to minimize stress on you, and it sounds like you're doing a good job of managing that.

Have you visited the SPARC website? deltabravo.net is a fathers' rights group that has amazing resources for fathers.