Maybe She Isn't Evil

[RDS]

It’s been over 2 months since I last posted and I just went over my 8 month BD date. A lot has happened since I last posted.

As I posted in November we had a date at the local fair and we had a great time. It was the next day when things went sour between us and I realized then about the most I can expect out of our R is a good friendship. The day after the fair date I finally got the official temporary spousal support and it was worse than I thought. I won’t rehash it but it was mainly the amount of taxes I’m required to pay on things. I called my wife to discuss it and she could not see my side of the argument. She even screamed at me to quit yelling at her and one of the reason she left me because I always yelled at her and she was finally free of that.

I was numb on the other end of the line because the one thing I was not doing was yelling at her. I was making a concerted effort to talk to her in a calm voice and if what I was doing was being interpreted as me yelling then there is no real hope. There would be no point in trying to discuss anything we disagreed with because she will accuse me of screaming or yelling at her. Even my D said I never really raised my voice to my W because we never communicated as it was. I was condescending and spiteful towards her but it had been years since I raised my voice.

During the argument, I broke and destroyed about every DB principle. I almost crossed the line and begged her to come back. Thankfully I didn’t go that far. I did tell her I was not really interested in being her friend. I wanted us to be a loving married couple again. I told her I was working on me to be a better person and one of the reasons was because I wanted to be a better person so she could fall in love with me again. I don’t remember exactly what her reaction was. I do remember I was as despondent as I’ve been in a long time when I got off the phone.

A couple of days later we were talking again. We had sold our house (it was once our dream home) and I had an apartment leased. I had to travel out of town for 3 weeks just after I moved into the new place. My W said she would collect my mail while I was away and move my truck around the apartment complex to make it look like I was living there normally. It was an inconvenience for her as I moved 20 minutes further away from the house so I was about an hour round trip for her to do that. The day we cleaned our house and left the house for the final time she came by my apartment and made me a large pot of chili as I moved the last few things into the apartment. While I was away she commented on how nice I made the place.

Thanksgiving and Christmas came and went. The apartment complex had a Thanksgiving luncheon and my cousin invited me over for Thanksgiving dinner. I carved three turkeys that day. I guess I looked like someone who knew how to carve a turkey. Christmas I traveled to Texas to visit with my daughter. I had a great time. It was bittersweet because even in our darkest hours I still enjoyed spending Christmas with my W. My W called on Christmas day and we spoke about 15 minutes and she kept telling me how happy she was knowing my D and I were spending Christmas together and we weren’t going to be lonely. I didn’t ask if she was lonely or not. Part of me cared but a large part of me did not. I got my W a couple of nice things for Christmas (my D gently requested I do that) and my W got me one small gift and another “goody” bag of treats.

On New Year’s Day my W prepared a traditional Southern dinner of collard greens, blackeye peas w/rice, and cornbread. I almost told her I didn’t want it since the last New Year’s dinner didn’t bring me good luck (the traditional dinner is supposed to bring good luck). I kept my mouth shut and gladly accepted her food.

The biggest news is I got another job which gives me about a 25 percent pay increase. I’m going back into a stressful environment I left in 2015 but I think my mind is back into the groove now. Being away from the job position for over a year and getting away from the toxic environment of my M has hopefully cleared my mind where I can think straight again. My W doesn’t know I have the new job that pays more. All she knows is I lost my last job (I left my old job for the new job) and I am now working on a temporary basis.

Sadly, not once has she expressed any interest with helping me with the spousal support payments. If she offered to help I was going to decline and tell her I planned on paying the payments the court ordered me to do somehow, but she didn’t offer. I was not surprised. I try not to dwell on it but sometimes it creeps into my mind about how she is fully able to get a much better job where I don’t have to support her, but the way the system is set up I’m required to support her for years to come. The excitement of getting a better job is tempered by the knowledge my W will probably get a bigger slice of the pie even though when she left me I was making X amount of $$ and a few months later I get a better position paying more and the courts will decide she is still entitled to the extra money.

I must relocate to another state when my apartment lease expires. I know when that happens it will probably be the final nail in our M’s coffin. My W loves it here and she has lots of friends she won’t be willing to give up to go back to a M that is near dead anyway. Where I’ll be moving to is a place we lived at before 20 years ago. We loved it then and we were so sad when we had to move. I traveled there during the first week of my new job and visited the various places we lived and naturally it brought back many memories. The memories were of happy times which makes the present so hurtful.

It’s getting easier to think of my life as a single guy. It’s a small step but I’m finding it easier to say I’m separated and heading for a divorce. Thinking of the future where I’m not married anymore doesn’t frighten me the way it once did. I’m also not as sad. Now when I talk to my wife on the phone or see her on the rare occasions my heart doesn’t do backflips anymore. I’m starting to see her as a person I still care for but not someone who can break my heart any longer. Don’t get me wrong, if she wanted to get the M back up and running I would strongly consider it. Before if it came up I would have jumped through rings of fire to make it happen. Now I will put thought into it.

Long post, but therapeutic.

[RDS]

Today, it was 9 months ago when I came home to see my W of 31 years had left me. It’s now only 3 months until we can divorce in my state. I don’t plan to file for D. I don’t know what she is planning to do. We talk a lot, but never about our R or money. I’m a coward to bring that stuff up so I don’t. The status quo between us isn’t the best but at least I know what I’ve got and in my pessimistic mind it can only get worse if I bring those issues up.

So much has changed in the 9 months since the BD date. Obviously, my W and I aren’t together, but I’ve sold most of my belongings I worked years to acquire, sold our dream house, moved into an apartment, changed jobs, and soon I will be relocating to FL because of my new job. When I think of all things I’ve lost and what I’m still losing I find myself thinking hateful thoughts toward my W, but I try to quickly quench those thoughts as they do nothing but burn my heart.

My new job is fantastic. The pay and benefits are second to none. Ironically, my leaving a job 18 months ago was probably the straw my W saw as the final reason to leave me, and now I have another job where she should would be proud of me it will probably be the final force for her to D me. I will have to relocate to another state and I am sure she won’t want to leave because she has too many friends here. It’s sad to think of that because in our happier times she would not have thought twice about leaving her friends to be with me. We were a team through thick and thin. Now, I’m barely more than an afterthought.

I’m not in the constant fog I was when she left me. I can think more clearly, but I still can’t shake the thoughts of her. I think about her all the time. Even when I’m buried to my butt in work my mind still creeps to thoughts of her. I really want to live a day where she isn’t in my thoughts.

Is that possible? I know it is, but damn, the journey is hard.

[RDS]

Out of boredom I digitaized all the letters I wrote to my wife over the years while I was deployed, or stationed elsewhere, during my 23 years in the military. Most of the letters were years ago before email and cell phones. It was the only way to communicate back in the day when you were overseas. My W kept them all. I wish I would have kept all the letters she wrote to me. She gave the letters to me about three months after she left me. She said they hurt her too much to try to read them.

Well, I read them all after I scanned them to my computer. I enjoyed reading them and for a strange reason I felt better after reading the letters. A lot of the reading was almost a history lesson of what I was going through at that time. Most of the mundane things I wrote about I had forgotten but to read it again it brought back the memories of what was going on in our lives.

It's amazing what we went through over the years and whenever I think being married to her was a waste of my time all I have to do is reread those letters to her to know my M was never a mistake. The ending is a mistake, but not the M itself.

[Dawgs]

Well, I read them all after I scanned them to my computer. I enjoyed reading them and for a strange reason I felt better after reading the letters. A lot of the reading was almost a history lesson of what I was going through at that time. Most of the mundane things I wrote about I had forgotten but to read it again it brought back the memories of what was going on in our lives.

I did the same thing. Not bad, but if they start leading you down an unhealthy path you may want to rethink that.

[RDS]

I don't think it will lead me down a bad path. I seriously doubt I will read them again. I seriously mean it when I said the reason I scanned them into my computer was I was bored. I've been debating on burning the letters or keep them. It's still too soon to get rid of them, but at least if do decide to get rid of them in a moment of anger I will have a backup.

The majority of the letters were written during the year I was stationed in Korea. I wanted that year to fly as fast as possible and I mentioned it multiple times throughout the many letters. Now, I want the year to go as slowly as possible because after a year we can divorce and I do not want to do that.

[Dawgs]

I can understand that. For some reason I've kept all the ones my ex sent, too, to include her emails. I just moved them all to a little used account. Not sure why I am keeping them, though. Read through some of them yesterday afternoon as I was looking for something unrelated.

Now, I want the year to go as slowly as possible because after a year we can divorce and I do not want to do that.

I can also understand that, too. I never wanted it to happen. Oh well. It is what it is.

Korea - Army?

[Bdog37]

I have also saved all the emails/letters/texts from interactions with my W. We used to communicate throughout the day while the both of us were at work. I have years worth of emails and going back and reading them pains me sometimes. How one of us would start the conversation basically by saying; "Hi honey, how are you today" or something along the lines. These emails bring back happier days in our R, but I wonder if holding onto them is a good thing? Do we want to continue reading them and constantly remind ourselves of what our R used to be and is getting rid of them a part of "letting go"? I agree as it is also too soon for me to get rid of all our past communications, pictures, random mementos, and even our wedding pictures. All of these things my W declined to show interest in when she left so why do we hang onto them and for how long? When can we finally accept our future and let go of our past?

[Dawgs]

I have also saved all the emails/letters/texts from interactions with my W. We used to communicate throughout the day while the both of us were at work. I have years worth of emails and going back and reading them pains me sometimes. How one of us would start the conversation basically by saying; "Hi honey, how are you today" or something along the lines. These emails bring back happier days in our R, but I wonder if holding onto them is a good thing? Do we want to continue reading them and constantly remind ourselves of what our R used to be and is getting rid of them a part of "letting go"?

I have mine going back from when we started dating. There is part of me that never wants to get rid of them and part that does, yet I can't bring myself to do just that. I may move them to a thumb drive or some other sort of back up and just file them away. Sure, looking over them brings back times when the world was right, but if there is still sadness/pain then it isn't worth it.

I agree as it is also too soon for me to get rid of all our past communications, pictures, random mementos, and even our wedding pictures. All of these things my W declined to show interest in when she left so why do we hang onto them and for how long? When can we finally accept our future and let go of our past?

Maybe just box them up and seal it very tight with tape. And just put it in storage. That way, its still there but you don't see it.

[RDS]

I can understand that. For some reason I've kept all the ones my ex sent, too, to include her emails. I just moved them all to a little used account. Not sure why I am keeping them, though. Read through some of them yesterday afternoon as I was looking for something unrelated.

How did you feel while you read through them?

I can also understand that, too. I never wanted it to happen. Oh well. It is what it is.

Korea - Army?

Air Force.

[RDS]

These emails bring back happier days in our R, but I wonder if holding onto them is a good thing? Do we want to continue reading them and constantly remind ourselves of what our R used to be and is getting rid of them a part of "letting go"? I agree as it is also too soon for me to get rid of all our past communications, pictures, random mementos, and even our wedding pictures. All of these things my W declined to show interest in when she left so why do we hang onto them and for how long? When can we finally accept our future and let go of our past?

When to get of the stuff is the million dollar question. My wife and I rarely texted or emailed each other, until the last year or so when we were together. I think then we didn't want to talk to each other and texts were the easiest way to communicate without getting in each other's way. We used to enjoy talking to each other every day on the phone and when we were together. That changed drastically over the last few years. Before I changed jobs we communicated on my work phone almost extensively. I saved all the texts messages because I wanted proof of some of our discussions.

I did go back and read the texts from about 6 months before she left me and there were a few texts where we were friendly towards each other, but most of the texts from me where cold and angry. Her texts were not mean or spiteful. Mine were. I was not a fun person to communicate with.