Love is a decision - my story

[Matrix]

If you are on this board there's a 95% chance you are headed for D. No amount of books or DB'ing is going to change that. If you let go of the idea that you are going to somehow turn this thing around, you will save a lot of heartache and emotional energy. You are going to need it also - because this is a long, painful, process.

I find this to be a very odd thing to say. No one can give any random "95%" number. We have no clue what the percentage of people on this board end up divorced. Many people leave this board when they start to reconcile and we never hear from them again.

These percentages, like "DB works for 2% of people", can't be proven at all. There can never be any kind of "odds" put on any of the people on these boards. There are also hundreds, if not thousands of people that have lurked over the years and never even posted here. Maybe they read here and implemented DB in their marriages and it worked. We will never know.

I think that the people that are here, have a better chance of saving their marriage, then the people that are not here. There are millions of people around the world going through the same thing that we all are, but they do not have all of the insight that we are privileged to get here.

Just something to think about before we go assigning percentages on the success or failure of DB.

[MrBond]

"If you are on this board there's a 95% chance you are headed for D. No amount of books or DB'ing is going to change that."

Maybe you need to step away from the boards if this is what you believe and intend to discourage rather than help.

[MrBond]

"I found that hope and detachment didn't go together well at all. Retaining any real hope, almost by definition, makes detaching very hard, if not impossible. "

That's not true. It is very possible to separate hope and detachment. You weren't applying the correct mindset.

[Seeker7]

I think that the people that are here, have a better chance of saving their marriage, then the people that are not here. There are millions of people around the world going through the same thing that we all are, but they do not have all of the insight that we are privileged to get here.

Thank you Matrix, that is why I am here and have learned a lot form the DR book and the experience of the people on the board. I agree with you on these comments.

"I found that hope and detachment didn't go together well at all. Retaining any real hope, almost by definition, makes detaching very hard, if not impossible. "

That's not true. It is very possible to separate hope and detachment. You weren't applying the correct mindset.

Thank you MrBond, I totally agree with you. The mind is a powerful thing and people barely have scratch the surface of what it can do on personal level. That is why it is important to always keep learning and improving yourself because we will never know everything.

[Seeker7]

Today had been a good day for me. My GAL process is going well and detachment is progressing.

"You can not change the past, you can only learn from it. You do not know what the future holds, you can only prepare for it. So only live in today but doing the next right thing and becoming the best version of yourself so you have a better future and do not regret the past."

[sandi2]

Originally Posted By: Gordie

Yes. I agree all of these important conversations should be face to face. Phone is second best. Right now, it seems like she's not open to these discussions, right? Back off and try with the small steps of just building a friendship where she is willing to be in your presence. It seems like you have a decent relationship with the kids. Maybe try to plan a family outing. Can you guys go to church together or to dinner or to an activity and just be civil with no R talks? Once that is safe, can you have one family meal together per week at a restaurant or at your place? From there, maybe you guys can go have a coffee together? Baby steps. No relationship talks--too stressful.

That is what I figured to do and it is nice to get some reassurance. On the W she does not even want to see me witch made Christmas horrible. The kids came over for about 2 hours and left to see other people. I quit asking her to go to church and us going out to do something. When she see me she has a face of anger towards me. She has a lot of bitterness for me. As for the kids I am seeing the more often and our R is getting better and try to take them out to dinner every so often but at their ages they are more interested in their friends and dates. I have not brought up one R talk since she moved out and have become much more validating on the phone. She will always answer my call or call me right back if she doesn't. But I have laid off of calling her as much.

I don't encourage the H to do any type of pursuit when his W is wayward. As you said, her spirit is closed to you, and the more you press her with your presence (either in body, voice, or text), the more pressure she feels from you. It actually works against drawing her back.

You said she had a PA. Is she still involved with the OM? If so, then that cancels out going anywhere together. You are no longer a WAH or WH. You are about to burst to show off your improvements, but it comes across as pursuit. You cannot pursue a WW. You cannot work on a friendship with her if she has another guy in her head! Even if you had been a rotten H........you are currently the LBH who has a WW. That's the dynamics and all the feel good fuzzies you want to do, will not change her heart when she doesn't even want to see you. She is just not ready for all those things from you.

You are in a rather difficult spot, b/c you want to prove your changes and build a better relationship with her. Although you had an affair and wasn't the best of H's and dads.....it does not change her wayward mindset. Your mindset was instantly changed when she left you. If anything, the way you immediately changed your thinking, should give you a picture of how this works. What was the turning point for you? It was when it hit you that you were losing her. She really has not experienced losing you, and you remind her every time you make contact.

The more you pursue, the more you chance her digging up bad memories that feed her anger. That's what happens when a person has a closed spirit, hardened heart, and all the rest. On the other hand, if you back off from initiating contacts and trying to persuade her to do something, she may get through her journey faster and have suffient time for her heart to soften and then more emotionally ready to pick up the pace with you. In other words, your timing is off. The two of you are not in sync. You finally "got it", but you have to wait until she "gets it". Timing is everything!

[Seeker7]

Thank you Sandi, Your insight is so valuable and have learned so much from your posts. And form what I have been learning I have been putting into practice. I do not text or seen her in almost two months. I was calling her a couple of times a week up to over two weeks ago. Now I am just leaving it be and answering her calls when she does. The last thing I need to do is to get off the phone before she tells me she has to go when she calls.

Yes she had a PA and it did not last long. I do not know if she is involved with anyone else but I do know is she is talking to them on the phone apps. It feeds her Love Addiction. I have not heard anything on any OM and she is keeping it quiet from mutual friends and kids. I did not ask the kids but they have willing told me things in the past. Now from what I am learning is this is signs of guilt and uncertainty. If in your hart it is defiantly over then there is not need to hide it or lie about it. Another thing is and A that is kept hidden makes it that much more intense and thrilling. She has told the kids and mutual friends that she wishes for me to find someone to date but I am not doing that until the divorce is final if it happens at all. From what I have learned is that her wanting me to date will justify her actions in her own head. Just like when she hears about me not drinking anymore she says "that's nice." It sounds almost like a disappointment but I do not want to mind read it.

Yes you are correct that the turning point for me was the reality of me losing my family. It is the most important thing for me. And trust me I completely understand that negative circumstances change our outlook on things very quickly. I completely agree with you timing is everything and right now is not the time. So I will just continue on my GAL and see what happens over time. Time take time and you can not learn patience with out having to be patient.

[Dawgs]

Unfortunately Bond, that's the sad reality of things. Very few ever get turned around. Very few. In reality - and I'm sure that most would agree - is that the underlying theme of this board is helping them become stronger and better people and helping them get through this god-awful stuff. It's about helping them get back on their feet. Do a poll as to how many just do reconcile and make it. It's not about that, it's about them becoming what they can be - and if their marriages work out, then that's great, but the important thing to remember is that they are able to stand on their feet and not rely on someone who stabbed them in the back. It's about showing them that they can make it on their own.

[Gordie]

For me, detachment is knowing you are valuable and can be content no matter your current circumstances. Hope is believing the improbable is possible, despite the odds or obstacles. They are not in opposition.

[Seeker7]

I hear on the threads all the time about how WH come back more then WW. I found that interesting and came across an answer. Men tend to think of love as a commitment and women think of love as a feeling. So for females tend to leave their relationships once the felling is gone.

What happens is that couples tend to avoid dealing with their problems and needs. Females want the males to know their problems and needs but do not want to tell them. In their minds he should know what they need and should not have to tell them. So women think the man is avoiding the marital problems but in reality the women simply avoiding the problems also. So women use the man's avoidance to excuse their own avoidance.

So when a woman tells a man how she feels (which can be in indirect ways) the man disregards what she says as her being emotional or complaining. So over time she builds up resentment but does not want to leave the M because of the feeling she still has. So over time these feelings slowly fade away. While men do not realize this and just think that stuff is getting better and she stopped complaining. But the fact is women are just waiting until the point that they have the feeling of that they just don't care. So they just don't talk about it because they are afraid of losing their marriage before loosing their feelings.

So women that loose their feelings believe that their H doesn't care for them. They walk away and think that it is no big deal. But what they do not realize is that the man does really love them and since their view of love is commitment. That's were men make the mistake of ignoring their feeling because they have a different view.