I agree with everything that you all have said in regards to that conversation. I am still really struggling with this aspect obviously. I got scared by the word cold because of Sandi's rule 18. (18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.)
Honestly at this point, I really feel like asking her what she TRUTHFULLY expects from me right now. I have been nothing but accomodating in this circumstance, and she still spews bullcr@p at me about money. I split our checking and savings accounts months ago and she has more than enough to cover anything that she will need, she just doesn't make enough right now to replenish that if she has to use it. I am guessing you guys wouldn't suggest having that conversation though...correct?
I got scared by the word cold because of Sandi's rule 18. (18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.)
Fine. Then you look at your behavior and see what you think she may have taken as cold and try to change that. Assuring her that you arent being cold comes off as pursuing and invalidating. Speak with ACTIONS, not words.
Originally Posted By: Laowai
Honestly at this point, I really feel like asking her what she TRUTHFULLY expects from me right now. I have been nothing but accomodating in this circumstance, and she still spews bullcr@p at me about money. I split our checking and savings accounts months ago and she has more than enough to cover anything that she will need, she just doesn't make enough right now to replenish that if she has to use it. I am guessing you guys wouldn't suggest having that conversation though...correct?
You bolded TRUTHFULLY and Im not sure exactly what you are looking to gain from this conversation. Can you be more clear about how you would want this discussion to go?
I mean, at this point does she really expect for me to continue paying car insurance, car taxes, cell phone? Why does she expect this? Just because "we moved here to further my career"? I am not the one that decided to have an affair, I am not the one that decided to separate to continue said affair. I had faults in marriage and am dilligently working on correcting those for myself and my future partner (whether its my W or someone else), but I DIDN'T HAVE AN AFFAIR!!!!! I have been so accomodating up to this point. I didn't argue about anything she wanted from the house, I have paid for car taxes, insurance, cell phone bill for the 4 months we've been separated. I didn't make it a formal/legal separation at her request. I'm just not sure what else she expects me to do at this point. I am not angry at her that I have paid these things in the past as I chose to pay them, I just want to know what more she wants from me. I am angry at her for the affair obviously....to which she will never admit to but that is another topic all together...
I mean, at this point does she really expect for me to continue paying car insurance, car taxes, cell phone? Why does she expect this? Just because "we moved here to further my career"? I am not the one that decided to have an affair, I am not the one that decided to separate to continue said affair. I had faults in marriage and am dilligently working on correcting those for myself and my future partner (whether its my W or someone else), but I DIDN'T HAVE AN AFFAIR!!!!! I have been so accomodating up to this point. I didn't argue about anything she wanted from the house, I have paid for car taxes, insurance, cell phone bill for the 4 months we've been separated. I didn't make it a formal/legal separation at her request. I'm just not sure what else she expects me to do at this point. I am not angry at her that I have paid these things in the past as I chose to pay them, I just want to know what more she wants from me. I am angry at her for the affair obviously....to which she will never admit to but that is another topic all together...
It doesn't matter what she expects you to do at this point. You do what you feel is right for you.
^^^THIS^^^ What K said. I was not kidding when I suggested the cold excuse. You have to detach from her and that means her opinions, her thoughts, her wants and her "needs". Remember, she fired you from husband position and she might want to resign you to the friend position. I do not know about you, but I do not want to be relegated to the friend position and my firm opinion is that the friend position is a dead end with no possibility of advancing to anything more. This is highly contested topic here (as you know), so you will have to decide for yourself. I can just put my story to you and you decide.
My W and I have 2 kids (now 7 and 4,5, 4,5 and 2 at BD) and she completely changed at BD (in hindsight she changed a while before, but at the time of course I had not noticed). She always despised FB and social networks and now she signed up. She actually sent me a friend request on FB and was shocked when I turned her down. She was on cloud nine with the OM affair and was running on infatuation hormones. I was distraught and 2 young kids in tow, high pressure job and all. I actually thought I will not survive it all. My kids pulled me out of the funk. My W started behaving like a teenager, started wearing teenager clothes, torn jeans, leather wristbands, spiked earrings, the whole nine yards. People around her actually thought the lost her mind.
She started accusing me that I did everything for her in the marriage (yes, you read right, she accused me of doing everything for her ). I was in all 9 rings of Dante's hell and it took me more than a year to get out it...
It doesn't matter what she expects you to do at this point. You do what you feel is right for you.
To be honest Ginger, I don't really know what I feel is right for me. It's just a small amount of money (less than $1k total) and I really don't care about money right now...but I guess everyone here feels that is me contributing to the A which it kind of is in a way. I really don't want to create more tension though either. I really hate that she has so much resentment for me right now for everything. Especially knowing that a lot of it isn't true (or is extremely exaggerated)...but I suppose this is something we all deal with.
I have been so accomodating up to this point. I didn't argue about anything she wanted from the house, I have paid for car taxes, insurance, cell phone bill for the 4 months we've been separated. I didn't make it a formal/legal separation at her request.
Maybe you should make it a formal/legal separation at this point? What do you want? What is best for you? What take you closer to your goal?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
This is JMHO, but as Kaizen suggests - why not? You seem to be tip toeing around her, not wanting to make waves and worried that you may seem cold.
I understand you hope to save your marriage, but I think a guy who goes - Wow, this isn't working for me and takes solid steps to move forward - is far more attractive.
That would mean (in your mind) dropping her like a stone and making plans for yourself with no reference to her and what she things. It would mean robustly protecting your own interests. Not in a jerk kind of way - but just doing what works for you.
Did you read Defacto's thread? He's a previous poster and I think he got to where you want to be. His D did go through - but he was good regardless (as am I...:-))
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Now channel some of that into detaching. Use that anger to say, I DON'T GIVE A FUNK WHAT TONE YOU THINK I HAVE.
I think you have to fight being clingy and needy. I do believe you should be warm and kind, but that's very different than wanting to engage her every time she says something.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
