Regarding the Friendzone thing. I have "celebrated" 3 birthdays since BD and my W made me my favorite cake each and every time, whilst entertaining a R with OM.
Friendzone? No thanks...
Although not as far along as you, I'm in the same boat. Eff that friend zone.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
So, I plan to respond to some of the other posts in a bit, but had an interesting thing happen. W called to tell me that she scheduled a doctor appointment and told them to use the credit on my account for it (which I had previously told her was Ok.), then she asked if I was doing Ok. I said yep but was kind of rushed at the time as I was trying to get to my doc appointment. She asked who was taking me (because I can't see after the appointment for a few hours) and I told her a lady from work. She said "well you two have fun". A little while later she sends me a text that says she is sorry that I feel like I can't ask her for help.
I haven't responded, and I suppose that I don't have to but I'm guessing that she will later send another text passive agressively complaining that I didn't respond. I hate that I even have to think about all of this.
Well, she called me again and we spoke for a while. She texted me not long after that and said that I seem cold. I have no clue how to respond to this.
Forgot to mention on my phone call with her I mentioned car insurance was due and she asked if I want her to pay it. I told her I wasn't sure yet.
I texted her back: Me: I hate you feel like I was cold, can you help me understand why? W: Tone. Maybe not a bad thing for codependence Me: ok. Sorry my tone gave a cold impression. I am not cold, so not sure why it sounded that way. Dont think cold is good for anyone. Enjoy your night! W How much and when for car Me: Just curious if I have upset you? (I could tell she was upset by the way she wrote her texts...) W: no, you shouldn't pay for me Me: Ok thanks for clarifying that I haven't upset you. I have to take you at you word so please answer honestly don't just dismiss. I don't have details in front of me for car right now. W: Ok, lmk W: Its upsetting that you casually said you dont know if you want to pay that yet...but i really shouldnt expect anything less. It makes me think again "we moved here for your career and i just found something to do and the money thing pi$$es me off again. (this has come up so many times since BD) Me: I hate that you feel that way. Thanks for being honest. It helps put things in perspective for me. There's so much more to it from my viewpoint, but I can certainly see your viewpoint as well. W: but at this point you shouldn't be paying for me to live Me: I get this point of view also. Hope the rest of your night goes well. W: thanks you too
So, give me input folks. I know I should have been shorter with words, but that is a huge mission for me.
That whole exchange should not have taken place. You should not have initiated it, and it does you no good at all. You sound clingy and needy.
The only exchange that should have taken place is: W: How much do I owe you for <some car related expense>? H: I paid $NNN for XYZ, so about half of that. No rush. W: Thanks. H: No prob. Good night.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Yes, I agree you are engaging FAR too much in that convo above..don't beat yourself up, but do learn from it and change your approach next time.
Your W has left the R - but as soon as she suggests you may be a bit cold, you come running! The best thing to say would have been 'I'm sorry you feel that way' or 'no, just busy today' - work on your pleasant 4/5 word responses and stick to business (car) with the odd validation..
Lengthy text convos like the one above, which touch on how are we relating to eachother, are not a good idea. Be minimally available...
You're making progress though
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Seems to me that she is trying to guilt you into accepting her and her position. Otherwise, she wouldn't have put the focus on you and your tone.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Yes, I agree you are engaging FAR too much in that convo above.
The best thing to say would have been 'I'm sorry you feel that way' or 'no, just busy today' - work on your pleasant 4/5 word responses and stick to business (car) with the odd validation..
Agreed - Look at that conversation again - do you see that you are contributing ~2/3 of the words? For every line she offers, you are texting 2 back.
And honestly, WHO CARES if she thinks you sound cold? SHES SLEEPING WITH ANOTHER MAN - why would embrace that with being jolly? You dont need to justify or defend yourself to her.
