Love is a decision - my story

[Gordie]

I agree with some of this, but strongly disagree that the W thinks it's no big deal. It is always a big deal and W usually think about it for months or years before acting.

[Dawgs]

Truth, Seeker. And they plan it much longer than we know. We are blind because we can't see their thoughts.

[Seeker7]

I agree it a big deal to them after they start acting it out and that's what send them into limbo. But from what I read it is the stage that sends them into limbo where they are wanting to leave. There are several stages of limbo though and most of us are in the third stage.

It is a lot more complex then that and there is a whole book about it. This is just the very short version of it.

[Dawgs]

Be careful in relying too much on books and all. While some give great advice, only you know your wife. Take mine for instance, all of the advice and suggestions from the numerous books I have read had the opposite effect on her - it pushed her even further away because it seemed to her as if I was uncaring. However, mine has such issues as to "normal" things don't work for her. But then again, neither do non-normal things, too. There just wasn't any help - and sadly that is the way it is for many of us...once that bridge has been crossed, especially when adultery is the path, the support beams fail and the bridge is gone, severing the path permanently. I'm not saying its impossible to regain, but its akin to climbing an icy, mud covered mountain with nothing but flip-flops on your feet.

[Seeker7]

Jeep74 I agree with you. I do not rely just on books for advice. In the beginning I thought that if I read books it would teach me what I needed to fix my M. But as time progressed and the more I read and talked to other people I realized this journey was not about trying to fix my marriage. Because fixing my M it meant that I had to fix my W too. Over time it became only about me fixing myself and continuing to grow mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. It was about me UNDERSTANING

[Dawgs]

Over time it became only about me fixing myself and continuing to grow mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. It was about me UNDERSTANING

You, my friend, are on the right path.

[Seeker7]

It was about me UNDERSTANDING me and learning all I can about R. Because if I learn how to make the most complex relationship of all M work then every other relationship will be better and easier to be good.

I understand that I can not change my W but I can influence change in her through my actions. Now will that bring her back to me? I do not know. That is completely her decision. I use the books to learn and I use my support group to run stuff by before I implement. As you said ever W is different. That's what make the world so complex and interesting because no two people are alike.

For me this time is a gift for me to grow and become the best version of myself. If she does come back I will be very strong and understanding. If my W does not come back then I will be very prepared for my next R. Also reading for me has replaced all those hours I spent in front of the TV that taught me Hollywood's version of reality. There is so little that TV can teach you that is very productive in real life but learning from the wisdom and experience of others is where true growth comes in.

"Wisdom is found on the lips of him who has understanding."

[Seeker7]

Well the W called me today after a week of NC. I have not initiated any calls with her for 3 weeks. She had a couple of questions for me and I answers them to the point but did not go into detail. She talked a little about the kids and some of what is going on with regular life. Then I told her that I had to go and we said by and hung up.

Boy that was hard to do. I just wanted to keep her on the phone and talk. This was the first time since she left that I initiated the hang up. It also felt sorta good afterwards by taking charge of the sitch. I really hopes this helps more then it harms. Because one thing that she had a problem with me was me not giving her enough attention. But on the same hand now she is not the W I knew ether. Other people have stated that too. Some of our mutual friends have lost respect for her because of how she is acting.

Well I will just have to be patient to see how this turns out. Also now that I have pretty much detached I am able to me a lot more cheery on phone and around other people. Life is getting better for me even though my circumstance is the same.

[Dawgs]

Life is getting better for me even though my circumstance is the same.

You'll find that as you regain your footing, it gets much easier and better, and you'll find that you aren't caught up in that quagmire as easily. Not saying that you won't have relapses, because you will. After all, what you are going through is probably one of the most difficult things you ever will encounter. I'm afraid to say that it'll get worse before it gets better.

[PacLove]

Seeker7,

Good for you for hanging up - yes the way she is acting is not the W you know... we have all experienced that for sure.

I also agree with the fact that every sich is different and every W is different, I know my W felt I was being very cold in the beginning. Despite being in the A, she had been talking to her IC about leaving vs. coming back and me being cold to her only encouraged the leaving side.

I think there's a fine line we need to balance between boundaries, self growth, but also showing a caring, loving and kind attitude towards them - if they are receptive but without feeding too much that would lead to cake eating.

It's not easy, what I'd suggest is writing down goals, or playing through scenarios so that you are prepared as spur of the moment we tend to react with our emotions.