I'm Back :( #2

[Laowai]

@ForGump: Thanks for your insight. You are always extremely well spoken and I love reading your posts.

@Vapo: I certainly hope that's not what she's going for. If it is, I suppose I'll see more signs of that in the near future.

@Sotto: I'm certainly not dwelling on it. You're right, I see that by telling her about my counseling I was trying to extend the conversation. I think subconsciously I was trying to tell her that I am learning and bettering myself. I'll try to keep it a little more brief next time. So far, I have lifted weights everyday this week, started my teeth whitening program, have an eye doctor appointment today, went to a friends house for coffee last night and to teach them about 401k's. So, still not hardcore on the GAL but definitely making strides to get there.

Last night was another tough night with mind movies followed by dreams of my W. I have also had an issue that really only started about a week ago with comparing myself to OM. I know there is nothing to gain from this, but it still happens. He has a much higher paying job, much nicer house, nicer car, in better shape....so it's hard to think how I can "be the man only a fool would leave" when he has much more to offer in those regards. Now the redeeming quality is that clearly he's morally bankrupt for getting involved with a married woman. So, that's a saving grace I suppose. My W has never cared about material things in the past and is very frugal so I am not sure that these things matter to her...but I don't really know anymore because she isn't who she used to be.

[MoveFrwd]

I have also had an issue that really only started about a week ago with comparing myself to OM. I know there is nothing to gain from this, but it still happens. He has a much higher paying job, much nicer house, nicer car, in better shape....so it's hard to think how I can "be the man only a fool would leave" when he has much more to offer in those regards.

So what are your goals? Lets get off of focusing on W and OM.

What do you want? Who do you want to be? What are your steps to get there?

[JRuss]

Laowai -- the only comparison game you should be playing is comparing who you are, right now, with the man you want to be. Be very honest, identify the things you want to change, set goals to get there, and get going. You may not save your M. You will save your Self.

Also, box all of that stuff up and put the box out of sight! You don't have to throw it away, but quit torturing yourself and get it out of your sight. It will hurt in the moment that you're taking the stuff down and putting it away, but you need to pull that Band-Aid all the way off, IMO, or it will hurt every day and hold you in place. Is this place, where you're keeping yourself, a good one? Why cling to it, then?

[Sotto]

Let go of the OM comparison - that won't serve you well. Most people are 'affair downs' due to the emotionally broken/morally bankrupt aspect that let to them being involved with a married/unavailable person.

He is not your equal or better and so let that one go...

My XH became involved with a much younger, but rather successful and attractive woman. However, her last R was also an affair in which a family was broken up and then she cheated on that guy. This is where 'affair down' comes from. People may superficially appear successful, attractive etc. But the fact that they are willing to become a third person in someone else's marriage and the brokenness that led to this = affair down.

:-)

[ForGump]

Laowai--

Thanks for your kind words.

Despite all my mopey-ness in this forum, I have been pretty stable and cheerful at home. In other words, I've got plenty of pathetic, pursuing, begging, crying instincts in me. I bet I can out-do whatever desperation you feel.

But here's the thing. Both DB coaches and the conventional wisdom in the forum agree on one thing: pursuing, clinging, begging behavior does not help. So the more I feel pathetic about the impending divorce and about myself, and the more I let those feelings be displayed to my wife, the more I'm digging my own grave.

So you have a pretty simple decision to make: dig your own grave or don't. We are all drowning here. You can swim or sink. Look deep inside yourself, and ask: am I going to fight it, or am I just going to sink. If you decide to fight your woman and your marriage, man, fight. Fake it. Fake it every day. That's what all of us do here. Fake it til it feels real. Rise above where your W is. Rise above the comparison w/ OM.

That's all the rah rah rah rah shish boom bah for now.

[ForGump]

Correction:

If you decide to fight FOR your woman and your marriage, man, fight.

[Dawgs]

Sure it means something. 1 way ticket to Friendzone central...

I'm sorry, but I had to laugh at this. The truth hidden in this statement is louder than anyone wants to hear.

[JRuss]

I think there's a pretty significant difference of opinion here in terms of the DB Coaching perspective -- which tends to advocate friendly interactions as a way to (re)build connection -- and prevailing board advice, which is much more "tough love" for lack of a better phrase. The former would say that the "friend zone", while not a desired permanent destination, can be a valuable rest stop; whereas the latter seems to say avoid any time there whatsoever.

[Vapo]

Sure it means something. 1 way ticket to Friendzone central...

I'm sorry, but I had to laugh at this. The truth hidden in this statement is louder than anyone wants to hear.

Hidden? I thought I was pretty blunt about it.

Regarding the Friendzone thing. I have "celebrated" 3 birthdays since BD and my W made me my favorite cake each and every time, whilst entertaining a R with OM.

Friendzone? No thanks...

[Dawgs]

The former would say that the "friend zone", while not a desired permanent destination, can be a valuable rest stop; whereas the latter seems to say avoid any time there whatsoever

The friend zone is like a black hole. There is no escape.