My WW and the Great Sandi2 Experiment - part 2

[Chris73]

Woke up this morning with the Van Halen version of "You're No Good" stuck in my head. I wonder where that came from?

2 more days until Disney, and I have to say that I'm getting pretty excited. I plan to put all the hangups and bitterness aside for the week and concentrate on facilitating an awesome time for my kids. It would be nice to think that the escape from our normal routine might help my W and me connect a bit as well, but I'm not going to worry about that.

Tomorrow I have an IC session as well as a DB phone coaching session. So that should help get me in the right frame of mind.

If anyone has advice regarding my last 3 or 4 posts, I'd be grateful, as always...

[maly]

This is simler to my sitch,with all spewing my wife was doing and mental cruelty to me,I decided to take everything and give her nothing,but I still love her,but I'm not going to help her in any way while she is like this and treating me like sh@t,I was lucky I was able to get the house and she had to find her own place,I even let her take my dog,let her pay for him I still see him when s brings him round,so she has lost her home,lost me,lost her dignity,good for her I say,I hope she is happy now,don't get me wrong I was her doormat for 4 years,did everything for her,but now I'm sorry to say the gloves are off,

[Gordie]

Just back from the gym. Man did I need that.

I can't even begin to explain how surreal it is to spend half my time today talking to lawyers discussing divorce and the other half of my day finalizing itinerary details for our trip to Disney.

I'm going to get deep here for a minute but does anyone ever think that somehow there is karma involved in all of this?

...When I was 28 I got involved with a woman who had just gotten a divorce but her ex-H had just returned to their home in hopes of patching things up. They had two kids together and they were both very young at the time. We worked together and saw each other in secret. Eventually she moved out, our relationship became public, and I temporarily took over the role of the father figure. I was good to the kids and I truly was in love with their mother at the time. But looking back now I can see the situation from the father's point of view. How emotionally distraught he must have been knowing that someone else was spending more time with his kids than he was.

I know that everyone is responsible for their own decisions but every now and then I think that maybe my sitch right now is payback for my poor judgment back then.

I guess maybe this is a sign of self-loathing? IDK...

This is interesting...in a late night with drinks sharing with the guys the weird things in life sort of way...but don't think it's healthy to dwell on it or its implications for your current situation...certainly wouldn't share this with your W...

[Gordie]

***But I've seen these types of cases a million times and if you're really hoping to reconcile with her you need to let go of her completely.***

Your L shouldn't be giving you unsolicited marital advice...

***Tell her that you'll agree to whatever is fair and let her live with the pressure of having to handle her life without you.***

I agree with this...this is what my W and I are doing...

***She'll soon realize that no one is going to be as good to her as you are.***

This is pure BS/speculation; he has no idea what she'll soon realize...

***And then if she decides to reconcile either during the divorce proceedings or after, it can be on your terms.***

Again, he doesn't know the future, so I call BS on this too...

***...You should start the divorce process as soon as possible.***

You should start the divorce proceedings when YOU WANT TO...not when your L thinks you should...

***If she's willing to be amicable regarding the division of assets and joint custody you should be able to work out an agreement quickly and it won't have to cost you very much in legal fees.***

This is true...

***But the longer you wait the more opportunity she has to decide that she wants more than you're willing to give and then you have a messy legal battle.***

Again, this is BS/speculation...no one can predict the future...and it sounds like he is selling/pressuring you into doing something so he can collect his fees...

***Interesting side note, after I got home and spent some time with S8 before bed I sat down with her at the table to go over any last minute items for the Disney trip that we hadn't gotten to yet. We talked for a while and then she said, "It's really great that you're handling the itinerary. All of those details about what rides to reserve and what shows to go to and where to eat just drives me crazy." So I said, "Well I guess it's good that I'm going with you... one last time." That "one last time" part came out so naturally and I know it took her by surprise. She got red in the face and choked a little on her words. I didn't react at all and just got up and left the room.***

High five!

[Gordie]

***Ugh, I feel like crying and vomiting at the same time.***

(((Chris73)))

***Yes, I just had an initial consult with a lawyer. Might have been the most depressing hour of my life.***

No, that was BD...remember?

***I'm doing all the right things by staying in the house and continuing to be actively involved with my kids. We talked about how things could go depending on how much my W and I agree on the details of a divorce (assets and custody).***

This L sounds more level headed...

***We talked about a post-nuptial agreement which could help speed things up in the event that one of us files.***

Oh...do a post-nuptial agreement NOW...a few months before S or D...that's interesting...basically you'd be negotiating NOW on everything that will happen...IF/WHEN it happens...I could see the benefit of this if (1) you know you are going to D but just don't know when and (2) this will not be a contentious negotiation...

***The thing that makes me want to vomit is the cost of all this. I am obviously going to need representation regardless of how "fair" my W claims she's going to be. And of course if I have representation, so will she. So now we're talking about spending anywhere between $5-10K to get this done.***

Yes...both of you need representation...and it's expensive...my W and I also don't want to spend a lot of money on Ls, so what we are doing is that we both had our consultations with our Ls...we are going to agree on all the major points for financial assets and custody between the two of us...and then are going to go back to the Ls and tell them what we want...again, my situation my be different than yours in that my W and I are mainly in agreement (at least so far)...

***I just can't understand how she thinks that this would be money well spent as opposed to investing it in college funds for our kids or our retirement.***

She probably doesn't think of the cost and if she does, then it's just the cost of getting done what she wants to get done...

***If things progress in this way I will be in the biggest fight of my life with the person I love the most. It's revolting.***

Why do you think it is going to be a fight? Does it have to be a fight?

***The only silver lining is that she has no intention of making the next move until June. So I absolutely HAVE to spend these next 6 months focusing on DB'ing, GAL'ing and lovingly detaching.***

Chris73--I'm hoping and praying for you to be one of the success stories around here...6 months...the gift of time...

[Chris73]

***...You should start the divorce process as soon as possible.***

You should start the divorce proceedings when YOU WANT TO...not when your L thinks you should...

***But the longer you wait the more opportunity she has to decide that she wants more than you're willing to give and then you have a messy legal battle.***

Again, this is BS/speculation...no one can predict the future...and it sounds like he is selling/pressuring you into doing something so he can collect his fees...

Thanks Gordie, I agree with all of this. I think the L's main point was that based on my gender, role in the family, and level of income compared to my W's he's anticipating that my financial contribution post divorce will be very high if the case goes to court. Not knowing anything about my wife, he assumes the worst and expects that if she seeks legal counsel she will be encouraged to try to get as much as she can (which is a lot). So he was encouraging me to get out sooner rather than later since my W is currently amenable to an agreement that is fair.

But you're right though. Definitely a strong sales pitch.

[MoveFrwd]

But you're right though. Definitely a strong sales pitch.

Yes - keep in mind the source of the information. A lawyer is likely to NOT be pro-marriage. If you stayed married, he isnt getting paid.

That said, you need to do the best to protect yourself financially as well and the information he provided is valuable in understanding your risk and options.

[Chris73]

Last night my W came home directly from work (no going out to party with friends) to find me in my office playing my guitar. We had a friendly exchange, mostly about the Disney trip. And then she went to bed.

Despite the positive feelings I've had lately, last night was a bit depressing. For some odd reason I decided to listen to the song "And So It Goes" by Billy Joel... do yourself a favor and stay away from that song if you're feeling particularly pessimistic about your sitch. But I've read that sometimes it's important to embrace the sadness and own it until it goes away. Distracting yourself from it sometimes makes it worse.

I have another DB coaching session today. I'll report back after.

Have a good day everyone!

[Chris73]

Wow! Just had an awesome phone coaching session. Lots of takeaways but the one that struck me the most was the old adage of "It's not a sprint it's a marathon." Basically I understand what that means but I never realized that it also applies to giving yourself a break. My coach used the example, "If you train every single day for a marathon, you'll never be able to run one. You have to give your body a chance to rest and recharge."

Such good advice! I have been obsessed with this sitch for so long now. Reading books, reading this board, posting on this board, every single day. I really do need a break!

There's a lot more, but I'm going to give myself a break from this board for now!

[BillyHo]

Wow Chris, I was just thinking the same thing. I need to take a break from the board and even talking about my sitch at all. As nice as it is to get the support sometimes reading all of the sad situations can bring me down. Seems like the obsessing gets in the way of any GAL activities.