Ongoing...

[RBG80]

Thanks Sandi, great advise.

I do not have concerns over her life or the safety of my Son.

I am really surprised at her behavior - she's always been a great Mother always putting our S first. She's very lost and its difficult to watch, BUT i fully understand all of your comments.

I really don't think that we could go back now, so I don't want her knocking on the door giving me an alternative option to consider. I just hope she learns to cope on her own.

I will step back now and wait and watch.

[RBG80]

Hey guys, Just thought I'd throw a little update to you all.

It would appear that the W is still struggling and I've had a number of her family members tell me that she "miserable" and "regretting" her decision. I don't think she regrets leaving me, so not sure what it is she regrets?....

I received a random text from her last weekend at 11pm on a Saturday when I know that she was drinking with a friend. The message was simply referring to the fact that her friend has a particular CD. Now there was no reason for her to feel a need to express this to me, let alone text me. She also had a go at me and said "its ok for you, you've rebuilt your life, you're happy now".

When she sees me I'm smiling, Ive dropped around 60lbs and feel great. I'm talking with a woman and it may turn into something (it may be nothing), but its made me see that happiness can be found elsewhere.

My W is having difficulty in obtaining credit and is still living with her Mother (with no plans to move out yet). I guess she feels that her life is falling apart. As I'm no longer falling apart and am getting on with things, I think she feels that I've rebuilt my life - and yes I'm on the way, but she has no idea what I've had to go through to get where I am. She has no idea how dark my thoughts were and now I almost worry that she might want to come back!

I've accepted my situation (although this is improved by the possibility of someone new), and I just don't want to be put in that position where I have the option to go back or move forward.

I feel that at this point the chance of a full, working reconciliation would be maybe 10%. I think I'd only be going back for my S (wrong reason).

[Dawgs]

When she sees me I'm smiling, Ive dropped around 60lbs and feel great. I'm talking with a woman and it may turn into something (it may be nothing), but its made me see that happiness can be found elsewhere.

A great, great thing to hear. Good for you!

[sandi2]

Great update! Why? B/c I can tell the change in you. As for your W's regrets, she is seeig her reality is not lining up with her fantay. She is upset that you are doing just fine.

[Sotto]

Hi RGB, I'm pleased to read you have been making progress and it does sound as though the grass isn't as green for your W as she had hoped. I agree there is no need for that text and you were on her mind and she chose to contact you. From what you write, it doesn't sound as though she has closed the door completely on the relationship.

As for you, from what you wrote I thought you sounded a little like a WAS yourself. I do think that happens sometimes - things go full cycle - the original WAS wants to reconcile, but the original LBS has moved on and isn't interested.

I would offer a couple of words of caution though. Firstly - the other woman - your BD was relatively recently and you guys had a long R and longish M. It takes a while to heal from all of that, so best remain really aware of that and my advice would be to stick to 'friends only' (and not the attractive single female kind) at least until you are D'd and for a while yet.

Also, your W doesn't sound to be in a great place and I understand your anger about what has happened. However, do try to accept that she is a flawed human being - as are we all - and dig for compassion. You guys are going to coparent for many years yet..

And finally, I don't think a decision (ie: not to reconcile) made so soon after BD is likely to be a reliable one. Strong emotions exist for a good while after a shattering experience like this. I think the best thing is to accept that may be how you feel today - and maybe this week - and next and maybe next month. However, allow yourself to feel what you feel for a good while yet before making big decisions would be my advice.

I imagine your M was one of the most important things in your life - as was mine - and it is natural to grieve the loss. In fact it would be surprising if it weren't the case...

Take care and accept it is still early days and keep moving forwards..

[NGUChip]

Sotto, this is one part that really troubles me. My situation is similiarr to RG but how does one spouse seem to move on so quickly with such a long history and marriage that was very meaningful. You said strong emotions exist for a good while, and grieving the loss. It appears as if my other half is completely fine and moved on extremely fast. This seems to be the case with most of us around here.

Sorry can't figure out how to quote on my phone.

[sandi2]

How are you doing? Hope to hear from you soon.

[RBG80]

Hi Guys, hope you're all doing good...

So an update and some advise required.

Despite advise from many people, I have continued a relationship with the woman I mentioned above - things seem to be going well. I've told my W about this relationship as I want to be honest with her and let her know that I've accepted the situation and moved on.

I have accepted the situation and take responsibility for the part I have played in the break down of my marriage. Accepting my flaws has helped me massively. The hardest part however was accepting an apology I have never received from someone who's not actually sorry.

Now for my problem....

My W has lost every single one of her friends and I mean our joint friends and friends that where her own. She is completely on her own. She is still living with her Mother and blames me completely for everything wrong in her life (incl her friends turning on her). She is completely broken and it breaks my heart to see the woman I once loved and who was so strong to be so down.

So, what can I do?... What should I do?... I have reached out to her Mother, but had no response so have now reached out to her Brother who said that he would talk with her. I want to see her strong again, not just for our Son, but for herself.

She has said that I'm "dead to her" and I don't think that I'm the person to help her (is it even my place anymore?) but what do I do?

Is this the typical WAS behavior?... If so, what do I expect from her, will she be ok and what do I do from here? So that I am clear, I only want a stable and happy co-parenting relationship with her now.

As always, I appreciate all your help, support and advise.

Thanks Guys
R

[sandi2]

So that I am clear, I only want a stable and happy co-parenting relationship with her now.

She is bitter b/c she did not get the outcome she thought would happen. It is not your job to rescue her (point in detaching). If you are moving forward........and especially if you are interested in another woman, then leave your W alone to work out her own mess she's created.

[RBG80]

Hey Sandi, I think she is bitter as she can see me living the life that she had planned for herself. Would I be correct to assume that this is typical behavior of a WAS?...

Do you suggest that I literally back away and do nothing?... I don't want a bitter or twisted relationship with my ex, what can I do to avoid this?...