Altair - Are you sure we're not brother and sister?
I'm struggling in similar but different ways. I'm trying to decide what to write on my own thread.
Unlike me, you don't tend to write much about your H - perhaps because you have so little visibility into what is going on in his "Planet of the Fairies". You've set a pretty high threshold for him to cross to get back with you. From the little I know about him I personally think it unlikely that he would be able to leap that high. From what I've read the person who could attempt to come back will not have fully dealt with their issues either and would require a lot of care and patience before they could be considered "whole" again.
I don't have any advice for you except on one point. Don't put your future into his hands. If you decide you want to file, you do it. Don't rely on him to do any heavy lifting. Why should he? Study up on what is required, do your preparation and then present him with a fait accompli. YOU control the situation and YOUR future. If he can't bear the shine, he needs to get out of the d@mned sky.
The other piece of advice was given to me by Jack_Three_Beans and I believe eric a long time ago. Don't put a particular date on it. You'll spend all your time watching the clock and building stress as the minutes and hours of your life tick by. IF you decide you are done, you will know it in your heart and in your soul and can move on with no regrets. Until then, you are not done.
It sounds like you're getting ready for a great 2017 and will shine brightly my friend.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I do tend to write little of H now because anything would be some serious mind-reading. I have such a tiny bit of info to go on, that it is meaningless, really. One thing that bothers me the most is that H said he and his therapist thought he should go NC for awhile. I've read about this online, I've read on it here- most often it is the LBS who does it for their own sake, or a counselor plans it out for the couple. I've not seen my case, where, there was no end put on it, no reasons, presumed blame on my part (as if I were some impediment to his progress to health which is doubtful, as we didn't see each other/hardly spoke anyway). Which is exactly how our "separation" went. "We are separated" to me implies a mutual decision on both parties. I never agreed to anything, no terms were made, no nothing. Not only did I not 'agree' to anything I was completely left in the dark as to when/why/how it happened. Of course he will claim otherwise and tell you why he left. This is the opposite of cake eating. The cake sat on the counter, untouched. So back to what you said about filing AP. Many months ago, I told H that this wasn't acceptable, and the response was give me space or file or tell me to file and i will. So if (and there's no date on this) I decide to do this, i will choose door #3. I will make him fill out the paper work. (TBC)
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
And I will ask him to file for a few reasons- paperwork is a bit of a pain, but not too much as it's essentially a done deal (another reason to file, I guess) Another reason is money. He is an MLCer and hasn't done anything crazy with finances, but after a certain point I don't want to take that chance.
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
How are you doing? I do understand how you feel about asking him to file the paperwork. I would like to just caution you on this, many times, when we ask them to file or they go off and file quickly, they do tend to drag their heels after starting the process. In some cases, they don't respond to the requests of the lawyers for certain documentation, etc., which means that for every phone call, letter, email, text etc. that the lawyers use to negotiate the case, the bill continues to go up and up. I just hope and pray that if and when you ask him to file, he will do the right thing and not drag this out for you and your wallet.
I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and hope that you get some good news concerning your health in the next few days.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Job, thank you for asking about me. My health is maybe ok, who knows. More tests are needed, I have all the referrals to specialists I need, this will take time. But apparently there is no rush, so I have lots of stuff to do in the months ahead.
Re, filling. Our assets have already been divided and decided upon. We would file the paperwork ourselves (well, one person has to do it and the other signs it then the judge then done) We can even waive papers being served and have them come in the mail. We are splitting everything basically in half, as we came into the M, in our discussion about it ages ago there was virtually no difference in our mindsets. I cannot see how this would change at present. So, if he did file and didn't follow through or any other permutation, we'd only be out a few hundred bucks. But, this is the kind of thing I would think you wouldn't want to drag on for years and years.
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
Journaling Not doing so well today. I think in part my stomach is killing me and that is affecting focus and thoughts. I'm also at a conference which is never easy. I'm just...drained. I have never found joy in my work like others might do i think-- it's just a means to an end. I'm very good at it. But at the end of the day, cooking, socializing, family, parties, holidays, you name it were always my highlights. Definitely not work success. Now, pretty much all I have is work success. I lost my H, my/his family, my favorite rituals/ pretty much everything, but oh aren't I a success at work! UGH, so what. It's a paycheck. I know I will rebuild. I think I expended a lot of emotional energy to get through the holidays unscathed and now I am feeling the numbness. I'm at this conference and a lot of nice interesting people are here and it takes everything to leave my hotel room. I feel old and uninspired. I don't envy the young ones though. Argh this is turning out to be a depressing post and I'm not even anywhere snowy and gloomy. The new years blues. Maybe someday this will be a paean to NC Dbing in some way for some future me to find his or her life. I'd like that. For now, my life is heII. It'll get better, in its own way, I know. I spend way too much time in my head. Ciluzen I got a chance to read your whole thread. You did great, and are doing great (should you see this). I could see me headed down the same path of never trying, no counseling, just the end. that is what is happening for me as well. You were a great help to see that possibility and how I can prepare for it. I am very grateful for your story of DBing in the face of never working on the M. love to all your favorite star
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
Hi Altair, I'm sorry that you aren't feeling so great today. It doesn't help that you are in an environment that requires a lot of socialization and are generally just draining.
I'm just popping in to say, I feel ya sista. You know you will get better in time and you know that you are changing and learning, but it certainly is painful. I also know just how hard it is to keep up the brave face for the holidays.... And now just feel deflated. Emotional stress is no joke!
I hope you able to re-energize soon and your stomach feels better. Maybe there will be a silver lining to being at the conference.
Take care... I'll be thinking of you.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Altair - I "am" somewhere snowy and gloomy and we I think are at similar stages in so very many ways. Being around people and having to force yourself out of your nest is both difficult but also good for us. I too am feeling blue, trapped and stuck.
I also am very good at what I do professionally and derive a certain level of satisfaction out of it. One difference is that the hours and hours of driving, the long hours, holding myself back from more creative outlets were in a large part to provide for my family. Now they're all gone and it's just me and the cats. I haven't seen D24 since November 2015. Spending time with my family doing "stuff" was always the shine that made it all worthwhile.
One thing that I decided to do at the outset and I believe that W has as well is to find one piece of joy in my day. Today I had a nice breakfast that I made, the roses on my desk and bedside table are opening nicely and I gave one of the cats a nice belly rub. Right now I'm looking out of my home office window and seeing a pretty snowfall knowing that I am safe and secure in my home writing to a good friend and trying to cheer her up. What joy have you found today?
When a star passes through a dust cloud it's shine is dimmed. But it picks up stray elements and can shine all the brighter.
(((Altair)))
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
When stars are about to die they turn into supernovae and are at their extreme brightest (sorry, sorry, I'll be positive)
Eh, this is probably a natural January lull. I watched workmen move all of the Christmas decorations out of the hotel yesterday, it was kind of funny to see a parade of snowmen and giant nutcrackers exiting the lobby on dollies. I also think this is a time for H to throw in the towel. You know, wait until the holidays are over then quit this M. I am steeling myself for it. (It's also hugely statistically a THING). My IC says I should live in the present. I've always mentally prepared myself for various outcomes- which seems contradictory to her advice. I'm mulling it over. I find that if I have thought about a possible outcome, I am better able to respond to it should it come to pass. Which, of course, she is trying to steer me away from. I'm willing to try, but I'm pretty entrenched here! I'll have to clarify what she means tomorrow.
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
