That's me in the spotlight

[Altair]

Journaling.
I made it through the bridal gown fitting of friend. The sight of the dresses, the women trying them on, the flurries of photos and family oohin and ahing I was okay about. The fitter told my friend, "Congratulations!" and that is when I teared up and ran to the bathroom to recover. That word, unexpectedly, killed me.
Then we went out and let's just say people are starting to give me some nudges. My friend was like, this is insane, your H is acting insanely, don't wear your ring, as far as I am concerned you are single, stop wasting your life, etc.
I listen, I validate, inside my stomach churns because I'd be saying the same thing.
Another one today. More advice, you need to do an ultimatum, I want to help, we love you Altair you need to move on, this is crazy, he's treating you like crap, what about you, abandoning you is not okay!
Again, I listen, validate, thank them for caring (stomach still churning)

I told everyone, yeah, well, I won't do anything until next year at any rate. To be clear, I don't talk about H, they are merely concerned (not sick of me moping and complaining). So H is not poking head out but concerned friends are.

[Coly23]

Hey Altair, glad the dress fitting experience went okay. I know it's always the small things that are a trigger.

I had the same this weekend, caring friends wanting me to give H ultimatums and move on. I did the same as you, validated but desperately wanted the conversation to end. I don't know about you but these days I feel like I want to talk about it less and less....

How is your week looking? Do you have any extra time off for the holidays?

[Altair]

Hi Coly,
It's interesting you had the same weekend. I think there's a 'logic clock' going off in people's heads bringing us to receive ultimatum advice, related to our timelines. Which makes me assume people are doing it to the H's as well. In my case that would mean H must be feeling extreme pressure right now. All the more reason to leave him alone. This week, yeah I can be done on Thursday. Tuesday drinks with co-worker and she's bringing a guy I've not met (for me? for her? neither?) Hair appointments and then a Christmas Eve party. IC too.
She's another one, I feel like she is gently shifting me to D. I know this is in DB, is a known phenomenon, but I still find it strange. Maybe she's seen this happen 1,000 times with the same outcome? I sometimes think she knows something or sees something I don't. Well, at some point I will ask her this. Just not now. Getting through this week is still where I am at in my head.

Also I am getting the cat today for the week. Well I was supposed to have the cat now, but I took a friend over to see him and she 'borrowed him' because she's like me - loves cats, can't have one.
I have the key to her house, she leaves for the East Coast today. As cats do, she said he stays under the bed a lot. I hope when I go over there I'll be able to put him in the carrier. Any advice appreciated. He's very sweet, but he is a cat, a hider.
How about you, Coly?

[AndrewP]

Altair - Cats I can give advice on

"The girls" are a particular problem. I wear heavy gloves and expect to get peed on. The second one is worse than the first. Planning is key. Have the carrier set out with the door open so that it is somewhat familiar. I have yet to have the cat walk in but I'm a pretty optimistic guy - why else would I be here? Cat #1 is usually fairly easy. I place the carrier by where they hang out, scoop the cat up and then put them in arse first closing the door quickly so that they don't jump back out. Getting the cat out from under the bed would be your first challenge.

I too have been getting the "just D her" message a lot. People around me are even more tired of this than I am it would seem. Most cases that look like ours on the surface end fairly quickly with divorce which is why many people think that's "normal". But there's nothing normal at all about what we are going through. We each have to find our own reasons for "standing" - for me, my reasons sometimes change day by day.

[Altair]

Cat people will like this. Went to get cat, saw disaster in the living room. Cat dug up a plant and made a mess of the living room! Was coaxed out of underbed slowly, put in carrier. Then I vacuumed like crazy.

[job]

Yep, I've had that happen to me and the plant went out the door after cleaning up the mess kitty made. I'm glad you were able to coax kitty out from under the bed. Hopefully kitty won't be digging up a plant again any time soon.

[Altair]

Hi all and want to wish everyone a happy holidays, Christmas, you name it.
My journaling is kind of sad I don't want to sound hopeless; I'm really upset about today, but I will get through it.
So, journaling.
I had a health scare. I talked to IC and she said I should reach out to H, just to let him know, keep it simple, etc. So I did. He said he'd be there for any tests/procedures that I needed and that "I love you very much". That was a few days ago. I cried a lot after that short phone convo (it's been months since we spoke.)
So today I contacted him again, texted him, he called me right back. I read him the results, and gave him my take, and asked him his. It spiraled into him saying you haven't done enough, why didn't you press for more, I validated and said I did, they are hardly there, don't return calls, people left for holidays, and so on. I tried to steer conversation back to me clarifying nothing will happen until Jan or Feb. He got angry, was like, see, this is exactly you. This is what you do, you always do this. You just don't follow through. You've always done this with medical stuff and now you are doing it again. (and so on)
I tried to reign it in and say yes, (validate) and I've called I've gone there, I've called, gone back I've done everything to try to get the information. He goes in again about how I haven't gone there (I have, I protest lightly) and here we go again, here's how I do things wrong.
I say well, yes, more validation, more just letting him know things are okay for now, just wanted to let him know, that was the reason for talking.
He calms down, then proceeds to tell me how the same medical system has screwed him over, complains about his issues for twenty minutes, I listen, validate, am kind. Basically we had the same exact situation happen to both of us but as you can see, "there I go again" and I just listen to him and empathize.
This phone exchange has been painful beyond belief. Because I have never criticized how he has handled his medical issues. He can be on top of it, and lax, I get that and have been always kind and loving about it. Secondly, I've never seen him so critical of me until bomb drop. He was just so mean about it, in his terms "there you go again, the way you always are, doing X and not Y"filled with anger and frustration. He never used to speak to me this way. So, this is exactly where we were last summer and fall with the fault-finding. It hasn't softened or changed, I don't think. he seems as mad at me as he was six months ago.
All I can say is, I was validating and kind and listened. But JC really? Attacking me for this, so draining, so depressing. No one can really navigate a crazy health care system properly-- BUT I gather many of you will say that isn't the problem.
I contacted him because I have no family-- should I need procedures and stuff well, for now he is next of kin, etc. I guess he is still massively depressed, incredibly angry at me for G_d knows what, ugh. I am drained. I'm drained and sad and do not know this angry person. I think of Job: leave him be, she says. I feel so sad, in that this person who was always the sweetest to me is now irritated by my very existence. There's no NEED to be so angry at me. For any reason I think! He could D me tomorrow and there's no disagreement in our D or finances or anything. He doesn't even need to justify anything! Is the hate to make me file? Why so mad at someone you haven't talked to in months? When he was never angry before like this? I wonder if it is the depression or his IC bringing out all the dirt. I don't know, it looks grim, but I have been a kind listener, that is all I can do.

[Coly23]

Hey Altair, first of all I am so sorry about your health scare. I pray that everything turns out okay.

Secondly, i am going to give you a very soft, fluffy 2x4 here because you don't deserve anything too harsh at the moment. I don't generally give them out but I'm feeling generous as its Christmas! Where in DR does it say that you should take and validate someone who is being insensitive, angry and attacking you personally when you have just told them some devastating personal news? There is a time and a place to validate and IMHO I'm not sure this was it. You reached out to him for support as he is still your husband however he has not provided that to you whether he is capable of it or not and it has left you empty and sad. You are not a doormat!

It may have been that he was concerned that you didn't do enough with regards to the results and pushing for more tests but from his reaction his empathy tanks seems to be empty. Same with my H. IMHO you didn't do the wrong thing by contacting him, you just expected the old H to be there on the other end of the phone. New H spent 20 minutes talking about himself again when it should have been all about you. Job is right, leave him be he still isn't ready. Let him reflect and stew on his reaction to your news especially as that was the first time you had spoken for months. I bet he won't feel so good about himself when he thinks back over the conversation.

Maybe next time drop him an e-mail with any updates and tell him you are only doing so as he is your next of kin. Then go and find or ring a friend who you can lean on and or provide you with all the emotional support you need.

(((Altair))), you didn't deserve any of that in your hour of need but your H isn't in a place where he can provide you with the emotional support that you were looking for.

I wish you a peaceful Christmas and I hope the New Year brings you health, love and happiness. Xx

[bttrfly]

first {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}

I read a lot of projection on his part and anger because he's scared. I could be wrong. Just my initial take on it. Still - Coly is right, you don't need to be yelled at right now. When they are depressed, and MLC is all about depression, they just don't have anything to spare and can't handle very much. I'm sorry you're going through this and am very sorry he cannot give you more than that conversation.

Try not to take it personally and realize that was more about him than you. I hate to think of you alone with this. Is there a good friend you can turn to? We're always here, of course. Take care of yourself right now. Be gentle. Rest. I'm so sorry you are going through this. We are here for you xoxoxoxoxo

[Sotto]

Hi Altair, I'm sorry to hear about your recent health scare and that convo with your H, and big hugs from me Sweetie. (((((Hugs)))))

I agree with the lovely ladies above. When MLCers get pressured (ie: feeling difficult emotions, us wanting something from them) they can get nasty. That's what your H was doing I think. Rather than deal kindly and positively with the situation, he want into critical, ranting mode, which really wasn't helpful....and is all about him and what he can't deal with right now.

Here's my fluffy 2x4 for you my lovely. He just doesn't have it to give right now, and I think relying on good friends is better than relying on support from him. Because, likelihood is you will feel disappointed and upset again, as you did after this convo. Things may change in time, but you have seen how it is for now with him.

Maybe next time, you could drop him a quick email if you want to keep him in the loop. But for now, I would go very dim. Fine if you want to briefly wish him a nice Xmas, but other than that, please do leave him to it and reach out to friends if you need support.

Do you have any Xmas plans my lovely? I will drop in on the forums over the next couple of days and see how you are doing.

Take care xx