Under a Big Umbrella

[HaWho]

Yes, Job the tree is up. He put it in the entryway hall this year. And it looks nice there. No tree in his room this year. He bought a few decorations for the house though.

And yes, he's coming back east, too. But, the boys and I are staying on for several days without him.

Roist and Job, excellent question - what do I plan to do? Roist phrased it as my Scarlet O' Hara "frankly my dear, I don't give a d@mn speech" and Job framed it as a new found free way of thinking. And it is both.

One thing that is changing (and this is awful) is that I don't bother giving him much of my energy at all. There's no point. He is too crazy. He still locks his door against us and presents much paranoia. I feel it's all too nuts for him to stage a comeback. And even if he woke up this instant I am just not sure what is to be said at this point. He has accused me of trying to kill him!!!

Just letting that sink in for a bit.

Besides putting more distance between us, I am not sure what to do. As I said, it's so much more complicated than "I just need him to wake up."

In some ways I feel squeezed. Him waking up does not fix things. Him saying sorry and working on it does not fix things. I don't see a friendship with him as he is a complete weirdo. So what am I still here for, then? I don't want to share/split my kids so I feel stuck. I have zero interest in another man although I am lonely living in the house as the only adult.

I guess for now I just find more ways of making myself happy.

Get a load of this. Last year I told h to do his own shopping for his family. This year he is buying everyone the same exact gift! It's an electronic gadget. So 6 people will open the exact same thing!! (I think most of them already have one, to boot.) Can't wait to see the jokes flying when they see the pattern. His family has a merciless sense of humor. Barbs will fly. I may join in: hey, how come I didn't get one?!?

However, with his kids, looks like he's gotten the memo as he is asking them what they want.

[HaWho]

Just to clarify, Job, one tree is in the living room and his fake "all seasons" tree is in the foyer.

[Irish M]

Hi HaWho
Thanks for your post to my sitch. We must of been writing at the same time .

I appreciate your concern for my D14 :-)
With all that you have going on.

I believe your compliment to me about being a tank is just you projecting :-)
Because you are a strong woman dealing with your day to day.

Hugs to you. Keep your humour it is a strength

Irish

[roist]

When he wakes up and does the necessary you can decide then how you feel.Right now that is academic as he is not there.It is normal you don't feel like you want him back. You have been through a lot. But the H that will want back in won't be the same boy that hides in the cubcave!! He will be different.You will too. So decide on that when you need to.

Are you squeezing any fun into your days into the buildup to Christmas?

Thanks for dropping by my thread.

Best wishes

[bttrfly]

Ha. Had some conversation today with stbxh. Even though the conversation wasn't ugly, I now have a nagging headache that's growing.

How the he double hockey sticks do you live with yours????

My God.

I just couldn't right now.

God love ya.

[HaWho]

Roist - thanks for the post. I appreciate your positive thoughts.

Bttrfly - I just posted onto your thread. I think other people's situations often seem crazier than our own? You amaze me!!

So, what is new over here? A touch more paranoia surfacing. A few weeks ago h said he was going to leave me some cash on the counter to pay for a repair. Except he never left it. So then he saw the charge for the bill and asked by I didn't pay w/cash. Umm. Because you never left the cash! He said I was trying to pull a fast one, all via text. I went to his room and told him he never left it for me. Then I said: "can't you just look at the money you last withdrew and see if that amount is missing?" He made no eye contact but told me from now on anytime he had to give me cash he'd hand it to me directly.

Whatever. The crazy train rolls on.

I was doing some Xmas shopping for the kids. H saw the charges and sent me a text saying I was a shopping addict! His m actually IS a shopping addict so I know whence this projection comes! She used to buy so many presents, you couldn't even see the tree!!

I went to him and told him exactly what the budget was for presents. He did his bit where he looked away and meekly said ok. (I cannot believe the contrast between who he is via text vs. who he is in-person.)

He initiated a few jokes via text. I barbed back but things have shifted within me. I can feel it.

He tried to pick a fight over the weekend. It's something that would have worked months ago. He is going to visit a friend and his wife when we go back east. The wife invited me and my sister-in-law, as my BIL will be there, too. H said none of the gals were sure they were coming. Then he asked if I wanted to go. I said, nah, you go get your guy time. He said he would get it regardless of whether I was there or not. I said, well, it doesn't sound like the gals are even sure they're going. He spewed in a sputtering way. He huffed and said I was difficult to communicate with!

I was polite and said: let's see how it shakes out. (Like I want to be THAT woman that goes and crashes a guy hang out???)

A few hours later he texted me asking if he can bring me and the kids lunch. I declined but the kids wanted some. When he came home he insisted I eat some, too. Maybe this is how he makes himself feel better for snapping at me?

Yesterday he came into the kitchen and boisterously said: "boy are YOU a lucky lady." Me (verrrry flat): "oh yeah? Any why is that?" Him: "because I bought you the best Christmas gift." Me: silence.

It's so odd that he thinks what I want would come in a neatly wrapped box.

[Bee29]

HaWho, I agree with roist. It's not this h that you'd want back.
Every time I'm about to give up I remind myself of it. For me, it's the second time he is in MLC crazy and though the first time it was much lighter than now, it was unbelievable how different he was once we started to work on marriage again. & how ashamed he was of things he said before. & a lot of what he said he didn't even remember...

It's much more difficult for you when you have a live in MLCer. I hope you'll be able to get some time w/o him during holidays & recharge your batteries. You're a saint to be able to go through all this on daily basis & with such grace!

I'm curious to know what is the best present for lucky lady... can't be another landline...

[kml]

Ummmm....girl? You need to figure out what you want.
If you're hanging in there in the hope of ultimately reconciling - you can't keep ignoring his positive attempts.

Remember the dog training adage - ignore the bad behaviors, reward the good ones?

I see three separate attempts in a row on his part to connect with you, and you rejected each one.

H said none of the gals were sure they were coming. Then he asked if I wanted to go. I said, nah, you go get your guy time. He said he would get it regardless of whether I was there or not. I said, well, it doesn't sound like the gals are even sure they're going. He spewed in a sputtering way. He huffed and said I was difficult to communicate with!

You were not understanding that he WANTED you to be there. In this case you WERE difficult to communicate with. Don't be so dense.

A few hours later he texted me asking if he can bring me and the kids lunch. I declined but the kids wanted some. When he came home he insisted I eat some, too. Maybe this is how he makes himself feel better for snapping at me?

If he wants to do something for you, LET HIM. Clearly acts of service is one of the love languages he expresses, don't discourage it. (Btw, if he expresses Acts of Service, it usually means that he like to RECEIVE Words of Affirmation. Try to work some positive compliments in there where you can.)

Yesterday he came into the kitchen and boisterously said: "boy are YOU a lucky lady." Me (verrrry flat): "oh yeah? Any why is that?" Him: "because I bought you the best Christmas gift." Me: silence.

He's getting you a nice present (or, at least, what HE thinks is a nice present. Hopefully not a rotary phone.) I recommend, if you want to save your marriage, making sure you have a nice present for him also. And whatever he gives you, give him a lot of positive words of affirmation (as in, "oh honey, how did you KNOW that I really wanted my own landline with a hot pink rotary phone?")

Seriously, though - if you're done, then fine. But if you're committed to standing and still hope for reconciliation, you have to stop bashing him every time he makes an attempt, no matter how feeble. Encourage the good behaviors.

[HaWho]

You are right, KML. I see his efforts now that they are spelled out for me.

I just need a break. I want a few days off w/out him. Yes, it's effort on his part but it's also a WHOLE lotta crazy. I recognize that I am burned out. Logically, it makes sense to reward the good behavior. But it's hard to compartmentalize it given crazy is waiting.

KML - I am curious; did your h live at home during his MLC? Or did he cut and run?

[roist]

I love the post from klm. It makes sense. It is also about focus.You are overwhelmed by the craziness and poor behavior. That is understandable. But focusing on it helps neither your situation nor you.

Your H is reaching out to you also by letter and of course by texting.

I can't wait to hear what the best gift ever is!! But even if it isn't perfect have a nice reaction to: t or at least not negative. Maybe you will even like it.

I understand you craving some "off" time. So make it happen. Make some plans without H.

Best wishes