New ILYBANILWY

[Georgia Bulldogs]

'Exactly what I was going to say. This script is 100% what cheaters say, and how they act.'

Not necessarily. Just because they say certain things doesn't mean there's an OM

Mr. Bond is correct - don't rule out that it could be an affair with an other woman (OW).

She may not be having an affair at all; but, if she is (with an OM or an OW) the sooner you discover it or rule it out the better.

[Cadet]

Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.

[Chris73]

Hi Bman72. Sorry to have to make your acquaintance under these circumstances. Your sitch sounds EXTREMELY similar to mine and I would invite you to peruse the thread I started on this board about a couple weeks ago.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2714296#Post2714296

I made a sh- ton of mistakes in the 6 months since my W dropped the ILYBANILWY bomb. I discovered the affair on my own. I doubt she would have ever told me about it. We do the same things that you and your W do (share a bed, hello/goodbye contact, etc.) It's very hard to live with, but I think sandi2's advice is right on.

The detachment stuff is tough especially this time of year if you have kids and the holidays are coming up. But the GaL stuff is actually refreshing.

Keep reading and posting, even if it's just to do something other than pursuing...

[Bman72]

Some good comments posted - thank you.

My wife is at university but does it from home online and her Uni is in another state so there isn't anyone that she would be spending any time with from there. I am going to keep my distance so she can do what she wants - she has to live with her choices. If she is having an affair then that's her choice and I will deal with it.

As for now I do not see her with anyone else - maybe I am right and maybe I am wrong but my gut tells me it's not the case. For now I see her as a walk away and I will treat her with love and patience and if she is cheating then I will adjust my approach as needed. I will not snoop and be needy to see what she is doing. Either way - there is a limit to how long I will do this for...I won't be sitting here for years as she comes and goes. I will drop the axe on the situation once I feel I have done all I can. I don't know how long that will be. I will give her enough time to decide when she will leave and then I will discuss my thoughts and let her know that I won't be part of her moving out. Then she can see the reality of her choice. She may love it and then I will see that she isn't the person I married anymore and so be it. I am not going to let this rule my life and my future ....I love her and would love to share my future with her but if she doesn't want to then I won't be sitting around moping about it. She has told me how she feels and she knows how I feel. I am able to get on with life with or without her and won't lose my integrity over it. I'm a patient rock - I've done lots of work on myself and I like it. I'm here living life - she needs to either take some time and slow down in her decision to run away or she needs to just run away. I'll be here loving life with my beautiful children.

[Gordie]

I feel my w stole her script from your w. I too am struggling over how to deal with this when we do everything together as a couple or family currently (married 20 years with five kids) and how to think of separation and divorce when I work and travel extensively. Help!

[Gordie]

Either way - there is a limit to how long I will do this for...I won't be sitting here for years as she comes and goes. I will drop the axe on the situation once I feel I have done all I can. I don't know how long that will be. I will give her enough time to decide when she will leave and then I will discuss my thoughts and let her know that I won't be part of her moving out. Then she can see the reality of her choice. She may love it and then I will see that she isn't the person I married anymore and so be it. I am not going to let this rule my life and my future ....I love her and would love to share my future with her but if she doesn't want to then I won't be sitting around moping about it. She has told me how she feels and she knows how I feel. I am able to get on with life with or without her and won't lose my integrity over it. I'm a patient rock - I've done lots of work on myself and I like it. I'm here living life - she needs to either take some time and slow down in her decision to run away or she needs to just run away. I'll be here loving life with my beautiful children.

This is inspiring. Keep it up. What is your limit?

[Bman72]

Hi Gordie, sorry for the slow reply - what's my limit ? I get up and do my best each day and rinse and repeat each day - I don't know my limit yet - I guess it will be when I feel I can't do it anymore. I know I am guilty of expecting too much at the moment - probably because it is nearly Xmas - that makes it harder. I have to keep my patience because this will be a very long journey - one that I want to ride out as smoothly as I can. At this stage I still feel that if and when she goes then it is not over but just another stage of the journey. How are you going ?

[Gordie]

I too feel this will be a long journey. Expectationa for 2017: tell kids, S or D, daily co parenting, W will pursue POM.

[Bman72]

Yes - a very long journey - I try to look at it as a journey of personal growth and evolution for the better - the hardships I view as growing pains - they hurt a lot but every day I feel just that little bit stronger. Some days I go backward but that is ok too. It shows that I care. Their actions are their choices - as you know - we can only control how we respond but that gives me strength - I recently was in discussion with my W about another friend who was going through a messy D and I said that the WAS actions only reflect themselves - poor choices and behaviour makes them look very poor - I noticed my W changed her behaviour since then and has been more pleasant - doesn't change the sitch but it can affect how she interacts as she sees how it has worked out for our friend. 2017 - she will announce a date of depearture, tell kids, tell family - she will see that as her time to do as she pleases - I will be stable and focussed and enjoy my life and build it how I want it.....one day at a time. Door will be left open for her to talk etc.

[doodler]

Bman72,

Have you ever punched the prime minister?