I have to ask some more questions, and in no way do I mean this judgemental. Why was she not on birth control pills when she was a teenager and getting pregnant that many times? Did she ever say why abortion was chosen each time?
Did she ever say if she had wanted any of the babies that were aborted? Do you know how long she carried them? Did her mother 'force' her into the abortions?
What is her relationship like with her father?
Why was she not on the pill (or some type of effective BC method) after having two children with you?
Sorry for so many questions.
sorry for the slow reply. we traveled for thanksgiving and it made it difficult to have private computer time.
I don't know why she didn't use birth control as a teenager. From what she has told me over the years I can speculate though. Her mom was in denial/unapproachable. She apparently didn't feel that she could ask for help. she did not want any of the babies. they got the abortions ASAP, she did not carry them for long. she once told me that after she came out of the clinic her mom was giving her a hard time and said something like, "Now don't you feel awful!" and she replied that she felt great and was glad that it was gone. Unfortunately that is all that I know about the past abortions so I cannot offer any more.
Her father was not the brightest guy and was pretty beaten down by her mother by the time that he died. He was prone to switch between doing what his wife wanted and yelling at her for being to crazy. Underneath that he seemed like a decent guy to me though.
when the wife and I were originally together she did use the pill. when she came off the pill to have our first baby she had a lot of trouble and it took a year and some hormone therapy to get her cycle going again. this was really scary to her and she was never willing to tinker with her hormones again. after our second baby we agreed that we did not want a third but the pill was not an option. I was really careful for a long time and we made it work for almost 3 years before I made my stupid decision. I realize now that we were already entering a danger zone before I accidentally got her pregnant. once I screwed up it all fell apart though.
One other thing that I thought was worth mentioning. W never felt protected by her dad. He did not protect her from her mom and he did not protect her from her bad relationships with the boys who got her pregnant.
That is why I really don't know what to do. I know the DB book says to pull away and GAL but our lives are very intertwined and I fear that it might hurt or scare her more if I start pulling away.
Emotional neglect during childhood is one of the key causes of borderline personality disorder. But it doesn't matter what label you put on your wife's state of mental health. She was deeply hurt and affected by her upbringing. Maybe she has BPD, maybe not. The important point is that her emotional being was shaped by those hurtful experiences, and it affects everything today, including how she relates to you. I guess I've said all this before but I want to make the point that this is pretty serious stuff and you're not going to fix your wife and you're not going to fix your marriage without professional help and without lots of time. You probably won't be able to fix anything -- she is who she is, and will stay that way for a very long time.
My two cents.
Also, about "getting her pregnant" -- is it really all your fault? Did you and your wife have a conversation to establish that you are to be held responsible for withdrawing? She always has the option to stop it herself, or ask you to use a condom.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Also, about "getting her pregnant" -- is it really all your fault? Did you and your wife have a conversation to establish that you are to be held responsible for withdrawing? She always has the option to stop it herself, or ask you to use a condom.
I figure that nothing is "all one person's fault" in a marriage. However, at best, I made a really foolish decision. I personally feel that I made an outright stupid decision. I have to own this. I don't think anything productive can happen with my W unless I do.
I agree that each of us needs to own up to our faults and responsibilities. But you also have to think about whether you are taking on too much, to an unhealthy degree, i.e., you are "enabling" another person's unhealthy habit.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
I agree that each of us needs to own up to our faults and responsibilities. But you also have to think about whether you are taking on too much, to an unhealthy degree, i.e., you are "enabling" another person's unhealthy habit.
So that gets me back to my real questions at the moment. Should I pull away? Should I confront her about her flirting? Or should I just cruise along as-is and hope that everything will be ok?
Currently, it feels like we are slowly disintegrating so I figure I need to change something.
I don't know if this is relevant but I am including it in case that it is. I have been taking care of all of our needs since day 1 of our relationship. I do not have any regrets about this and it has never seemed like a bad thing to me.
w does not drive by choice, I do all the driving w only worked a regular job briefly when I met her w is an accomplished artist but the earnings on her best year were about $4000. currently she is earning almost nothing w takes good care of our kids (I consider this a full time job and I am glad that she does it) I cook all our dinners and usually clean up after I do most of the cleaning I spend time with kids every day I pretty much don't do anything separate for myself except for 2 times a week judo workout but even this I do together with oldest son.
This situation has never bothered me until we stopped having sex all the time. Now I think about it.
Do I do too much? Is it possible to do to much?
If I pull back, is it right to use all of this leverage I have? Won't that just push her further away.
It is possible to too much. You want a partner, not anything less.
Based on what you've written, it's tempting to say you're doing too much, and my guess is, you probably are. But I can't say for sure. It depends on everything else going on in your shared life: taking care of kids, shopping, cleaning, bills & finances, etc. So, you have to ask yourself, looking at everything you guys do for the family, is she a mature, responsible equal partner?
I don't know exactly what you should do. But I think it's best not to frame the question in terms of what it will do to your wife. Frame the question in terms of what's healthy for you. What's going to make you a healthy parent, a healthy adult.
Take care of your kids. Take care of yourself. Give your wife the freedom and space she wants to figure things out for herself.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
W thanked me yesterday for all of the space. We didn't talk about our situation any further after that. She hugged me and it was nice. I'm afraid to get hopeful but maybe she had reached a turning point inside herself? I guess I should just keep my courage up and keep waiting.
