Its that last little bit of fear that I wish I could just burn from my brain. At the very core of it lies the statement- "If I stick up for myself and protect my interests, then he won't come back. "
I have had this type of convo with my therapist about a year ago. She said the above statement typically resonates with childhood memories and FOO issues. ie: if I'm good, then he/she will like me..... Etc.
I've tried really hard to figure out where that dynamic comes from... And from what I hear, it's a pretty typical mindset. I know it's engrained in me, and I just can't figure out where it stems from and how to officially over through it.
So... I think if I'm honest.... That's the last piece that I am just holding on to for dear life. I'm moving forward protecting myself with my L but the emotions aren't aligning with the actions. I'm scared. At the same time, I'm 99.9% sure I don't want to go back to that life. lets be real.... The only good thing about that life was we didn't struggle financially. I never felt supported of truly loved by him. Our mc told me I would never be enough for him.
Also, I'm scared of what stbxh will do to me. Again, it's because I know he's a liar and manipulator.
So, as I'm typing this... Stbx texts me that he's taking the dog this weekend during my time. Ummmmmmm.... A request or ask would be nice don't you think?
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Hi Feyth, what you write resonates with me. If found this difficult too and I think it does link to the wider theme of - if I am a good girl, people will like me...
I found Brene Brown's work really helped me. There is some useful video content of her online. I can recall watching one of her talks on boundaries, and it popped into my head when I was reading your post above.
I think the 'nice girl' issues are pretty common and don't think there needs to have been anything specific or significant in your background to have led to these. However, this awareness is useful and will help you move forward. I still have these tendencies, but I find I am more aware of these dynamics now, and there's an important shift from:
I aim for greater authenticity in my interactions now. I don't always achieve that, but I achieve it more and I think it deepens bonds with people.
I'm sorry about the doggy time text. Options? Do nothing? Let him know. Yes, I'm happy to swap and I'll take doggy on X date (dose of own medicine) or maybe - 'sorry, I already have plans with doggy that day.'
It's up to you. But try and act from your highest self and in an authentic way and I don't feel you can go too far wrong.
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I called him out on not asking me if I would agree to switch days/coverage for the dog. And today, he emails my lawyer stating that the dog is his property and the dog is his.... He's only sharing out of consideration. Going forward he is going to keep the dog but is going to allow me visitation.
This on top of a whole other mess of insults telling my lawyer "your clients ignorance does not allow her any rights to my property or business".
Again, we declined his settlement right off the bat because we haven't done any discovery which is required.
I'm absolutely devastated.... The dog thing just kills me more than anything. What a POS monster.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Well, obviously that is really low. Sounds like he's grasping for control and probably anger gets him his way.
The thing is, as I have grown older and wiser? I am super comfortable with people being mad at me. If I have fault, I apologize. (And I let it go even if the other person does not. This is VERY freeing.) If I did not have fault? Oh well. Not my problem. And that? I drop like a lead balloon.
My advice? We need to become comfortable within ourselves when others are unnecessarily angry with us. It's not our problem. And this way, we don't "teach" someone that they can work us over through anger. Probably this is important for any future r we have.
Enjoy your Thanksgiving.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Great advice, HaWho. And, wow, Feyth. I'm so sorry! What a grasp for control that is. I am thankful that my XH didn't even try to take my pup (he IS the one who saw her at someone's house and convinced me to get her when he found out she was available) and had no interest in or ability to have her at his apartment. Sounds like he is really monstering. I wonder how out of control his life is for him to feel the need to vent it all on you in such nasty ways!
Sounds like your L is on it, though. Water off a duck's back, then. It is irrational behavior; and reeks of desperation. I wonder why?
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Hi Feyth, my two wise friends have already given good advice. His anger is his problem, not yours. Continue calmly on and use your L as needed. My XH too wasn't keen on the whole (inconvenient) disclosure thing. He would throw out emails saying - I don't want a long drawn out process - you have X and I'll have Y (always massively in his favour.) However, I patiently insisted on disclosures...
The thing is in your sitch - you guys are M and there is no way up down or around that. The things he thinks are 'his' are marital assets...
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
ugh Feyth.. I'm sorry. What an immature little baby. My WW took our pup but he was hers before we got together so I was OK with that. But it still stings... I miss that lil guy! Hope you have a great thanksgiving.
I am so sorry that he is acting childish over everything including the dog. He is angry and he wants to control everything and like all of the posters have said...that's his anger to own. I know it hurts to know that he's pulling out all of the stops to act like a bratty child, but do not allow him to see you sweat. Your lawyer is on the ball here and he knows what to do and will not allow your h to walk all over you.
As a poster pointed out...you were married and anything that was purchased/earned during the marriage is considered marital assets. These MLCers don't get it and are very stubborn about what they think that they are entitled to. If he wants the dog, so be it...but he's not going to want to take care of the dog for very long because it involves responsibility. Here's my take on it, the more you try to point out that it's your time w/the dog, the more he's going to want to take that dog away from you. He's acting like the bully and/or kid who sees another child w/something he wants to play with and yet the kid playing w/the toy won't give it to him, so he has to become the bully to take it away from you. Once he gets the toy, he'll grow tired of it and then leave it where it falls. It's called being a bully and attempting to control the situation and hurt you in the process. Again, don't let him see you sweat.
Choose your battles and if it means him taking the dog...let him. You have bigger battles to fight right now.
I do hope that you can enjoy your Thanksgiving.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hello. Hope everyone had a wonderful thanksgiving.
As usual, I'm deeply appreciative for all of your words. Thank you.
Hawho, going back to your feedback- Thank you. Your thoughts about letting go when others are mad at you is brilliant. I want to get to that place more than anything. I am so insanely fearful of what other people think in relation to those in me and H's circle. I have this mindset to a degree outside of that, but I'm paralyzed with fear when it comes to him. I'm so scared of doing or saying the wrong thing. I am consciously trying to work through this every day.... Trying all my detachment tricks and my own attempt at aversion therapy. I think I'm afraid of them being mad at me because at the end of the day I haven't done anything wrong. (That's the ego talking again) .... But truly, ive done nothing. Not one single action has been done to deliberately negatively affect h and yet I am the monster and people in my former life have sided with h. It's emotionally challenging living in the twilight zone. And it's a paradox that I need to work on fixing.... See my next statement.....
This kind of speaks to the larger issue. Stbx's control over me. I didn't see it then, but I do now. I was his puppet and I gave him every ounce of power because I learned early on in our relationship that I couldn't fight or disagree with or even have an opinion of my own that differed from his. It didn't matter, I was always wrong... Wrong... Wrong.... Wrong. Then I was made to feel stupid for not doing something right, time after time after time. And do not get me started on the money. He was a finance guy so I trusted him with all my pennies. He always told me I would never understand the inner workings of our finances so I just trusted him.... Blindly. Stupid girl. On this same token, I can say I haven't done anything to him and that's because I've always conceded. Even though I'm deliberately not being a raging b* (it's not in my nature) He's very used to me not rocking the boat. He's used to me not doing anything to hurt or harm him or the situation.
So back to the legal issue and the dog. I've been still this entire time. As mentioned, were still in the intake process so there's no reason for me to be taking the offense. I feel like h is running around wielding his sword while I'm just sitting here with my shield (my L). I haven't succumbed to any of his demands so he's getting angrier and angrier. I've always rolled over the second he demanded something. This is new for him.
With regards to the dog. He hit me at my weakest spot. I'm a huge animal lover and I love my dog. What he did was the lowest of the low. And per usual.... I havent actually done anything here to make it worse either.
Let me explain- he texted me to tell me he was going out of town for thanksgiving, he's taking the dog and will be back next week. I told him I thought I was having him longer because he told me he was flying out of town and we never discussed me giving up my time or negotiated otherwise. He told me things change and he's sorry I'm disappointed. I told him I'm not disapointed, but I feel disrespected because he has not asked me if I was willing to give up my time. I have not agreed to this. He said, my decision to take him was not made out of any disrespect to you. I said, therein lies the issue "your decision to take him." That was the end of the convo.
Next thing I know.... I get the email from lawyer that shows h spew about how the dog is his property and should have custody.... This amongst my ignorance... Etc
Funny how he never mentioned to my lawyer that he was a pissy little brat who was intentionally uncooperative and that is why this new legal issue has developed.
If I'm doing anything glaringly wrong, please let me know. Clearly, it seems like I haven't been doing any 180's as my nicey- nicey behavior has been consistent. Im willing to hear advice on how to do this differently. Please... Help me to do this differently.
Ugh he's such a giant EXPLETIVE!
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Wow Feyth - such heavy duty processing on your end. Good on you!
So, if I may, here are some thoughts I have. It's so good you are recognizing your discomfort with people being upset with you. Whether this is a FOO issue for you or not, now is the time to course correct. And you are very fortunate that you're figuring this out so young! I think it can take women more time "to come into their own" for various familial and societal reasons. This is an issue hear and dear to my own heart as I have grown so much through this hot mess.
I see it all the time. A man is aggressive at work and he's a "go-getter." A woman is aggressive in the workplace? What a b**ch! We've all seen it. Even many women sit quiet with the double standard, afraid of speaking up. One of my biggest personal regrets is not calling out that double standard for fear of being branded bi**hy, too. Now I do call it out.
What I have learned? Actually, some of the nicest people on this planet have the firmest boundaries in place. Telling people where the lines are in our life is a GOOD thing. It allows us to have healthy relationships. People are not confused.
Once we get in touch with our inner voice, define our boundaries and get downright righteous about them, we create a circle of healthy relationships. For me? The thinking has been: I am this person. If you can't honor that? Then you are not in my inner circle and I have lost nothing as it's not a healthy relationship anyway. There's nothing more lonely than not being able to be you around "friends."
It does start with this inner voice you are hearing! Listen to it and honor it. You will attract like minded people, which is what you want.
You're not going to like this next bit. While I am so sorry he's doing this blackmail with the dog; personally? I would consider going completely dark on him. Sit and think if interacting with him over the dog is healthy for you. If it isn't I would go NC. If you don't have the heart to do it, to protect yourself from his nastiness, I would deal only with your lawyer from this point forward. However, don't be surprised if he contacts you to take care of the dog when it's convenient for him. So determine your boundaries there, too.
I suspect by this time his poor lawyer (or that person who is "conferring" with him) has had to explain how the legal system really works when it come to division of marital assets. He has to be rip roarin' mad. And so he'll probably try to control whatever he can whenever he can. I suspect as he "loses" some things he thought he would for sure have, he'll get even uglier.
Maybe stop and determine how to put yourself first here. Remember, if you lose unhealthy relationships, actually, you didn't lose a thing!
