Lex, you have several elements in your story that resonate with me. The things you're seeing -- I realize they are surprising for you, but if you look back into your history, are they really new? Or is there a pattern of such behavior over the ~20 years you've known her. Is she quick to anger? Do her emotions run very hot and very cold suddenly? Does she have trouble opening up about her inner feelings? Does she have low self-esteem? Did you have good communication all those years? Was she a very willing partner for daily sex for 18 years? Does she gravitate towards strong infatuations, as with the celebrity?
Please think about it. I'd like to hear whether this is all new, or maybe this has been a part of her personality all along.
When I think back, some of this is new and some not. communication has been difficult for her but we have usually figured it out. she has been quick to anger sometimes and the response can be disproportionate. Once early on in the marriage she took a swing at me for putting the wrong shirts in the dryer. The surprise rages were fairly rare though so I just let them go. I have always paid for everything and I think that her self esteem may have suffered some. she is an accomplished artist but has made very little money over the years.
she was a very willing sex partner. she initiated as often as I did and was playful/experimental in bed.
I knew that she had a teenage crush on the celebrity but I never thought much of it. she has been faithful to me and up to this point I was not aware of any flirting. she is even kind of quiet and introverted in mixed crowds. I was very shocked to discover that she had actually made contact and was flirting with said celebrity.
Lex, everybody comes here and reads each others' posts and say, "Hey, that's just like my wife/husband!" We're all astounded by how spouses seem to follow a script. But the specifics of your situation are so similar to mine, it's eerie. I am not going to point out those specifics because of privacy concerns but if I did, you would be puzzled. How could this be?
Anyhow, here are some things to consider. Your W's childhood, including all those boyfriends and abortions, and her (seemingly) unfulfilling relationship with her parents, could have been deeply emotionally damaging to her, and could be strongly affecting her even now as an adult. I think your wife may suffer from "borderline personality disorder" (BPD). There are many websites and books on this (I prefer books because the quality of information on the Internet isn't very good.) Don't be misled by the unfortunate name of this condition. And I'm not saying your wife neatly fits into this. First, BPD is difficult to diagnose and must be done by a specialist. Second, as with many psychological conditions, a person doesn't neatly fit into a category; people are complicated. Whatever you do, don't bring up BPD with your wife. It is counter-productive to tell her directly about it (so say the professionals.)
I recommend that you talk to a mental health professional who is familiar with BPD, and get some input. They'll see spouses of people suffering from BPD. Even if your wive does not have BPD, it's really helpful to see a counselor about your failing marriage. If your wife does suffer from BPD, I believe it would explain a lot about her initial interest in rape fantasies and the later accusation of rape against you, as well as her delusion about having a relationship with the celebrity.
Man, I wish I could give you a phone call and talk.
p.s. Is there any parallel between her behavior within your marriage and her mother's (or father's) behavior?
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Lex, everybody comes here and reads each others' posts and say, "Hey, that's just like my wife/husband!" We're all astounded by how spouses seem to follow a script. But the specifics of your situation are so similar to mine, it's eerie. I am not going to point out those specifics because of privacy concerns but if I did, you would be puzzled. How could this be?
Anyhow, here are some things to consider. Your W's childhood, including all those boyfriends and abortions, and her (seemingly) unfulfilling relationship with her parents, could have been deeply emotionally damaging to her, and could be strongly affecting her even now as an adult. I think your wife may suffer from "borderline personality disorder" (BPD). There are many websites and books on this (I prefer books because the quality of information on the Internet isn't very good.) Don't be misled by the unfortunate name of this condition. And I'm not saying your wife neatly fits into this. First, BPD is difficult to diagnose and must be done by a specialist. Second, as with many psychological conditions, a person doesn't neatly fit into a category; people are complicated. Whatever you do, don't bring up BPD with your wife. It is counter-productive to tell her directly about it (so say the professionals.)
Man, I wish I could give you a phone call and talk.
p.s. Is there any parallel between her behavior within your marriage and her mother's (or father's) behavior?
Her mom is pretty much a full blown sociopath and probable BPD sufferer. W is estranged from her mom. They talk occasionally on the phone but that is it as far as their relationship goes. I'm not sure about the wife being BPD. we had a pretty good run up to this point. She snapped on me now and again but it was fairly rare. she never fantasized about rape or celebrities until this year as far as I know. She is not wrong to be mad at me for getting her pregnant. I should have done better. It's just been 7 months now and we are slowly chilling in stead of making up. I noticed your signature said "in house separation" I fear we are getting close to this. We still sleep in the same bed currently but we're drifting further and further. currently I have to face away from her at the wall and then she will put her arm around me. If I face her even without touching her she will sleep in a fetal position facing me with a pillow in between us.
Did her Mom go through any big changes in her life when she was in her early 40's?
Whatever the cause and whoever's fault it is, what's going on is not healthy, not normal. Not just the marriage itself, but each of you is not in a healthy place. So I believe you will benefit from a therapist. I hope you can find a good one. It takes a bit of effort to find a therapist that feels right. Whatever your wife is going through -- whether it might be diagnosed as BPD or not -- you are likely playing a role. Talking to a professional about all of that will help you figure out how you can be a healthier person.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Did her Mom go through any big changes in her life when she was in her early 40's?
Whatever the cause and whoever's fault it is, what's going on is not healthy, not normal. Not just the marriage itself, but each of you is not in a healthy place. So I believe you will benefit from a therapist. I hope you can find a good one. It takes a bit of effort to find a therapist that feels right. Whatever your wife is going through -- whether it might be diagnosed as BPD or not -- you are likely playing a role. Talking to a professional about all of that will help you figure out how you can be a healthier person.
I appreciate your advice and I admit that you are probably correct. I also agree that I am probably playing a role. Nothing happens in a vaccum, it takes two. However, this option is off the table for me. The reaction to suggesting therapy would be rejected and make my situation worse. I'm looking for ideas that I can do on my own.
I have to ask some more questions, and in no way do I mean this judgemental. Why was she not on birth control pills when she was a teenager and getting pregnant that many times? Did she ever say why abortion was chosen each time?
Did she ever say if she had wanted any of the babies that were aborted? Do you know how long she carried them? Did her mother 'force' her into the abortions?
What is her relationship like with her father?
Why was she not on the pill (or some type of effective BC method) after having two children with you?
Sorry for so many questions.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
