CBTDAD -- can you maybe see that her using a toy is far, far better for your sitch than her using another man's anatomy (which, unfortunately, a lot of posters here are dealing with).
That said, I'm only in month two of total sexual freeze out, and I'm about to lose my mind, so I commiserate with you.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
Ginger I appreciate you being blunt with me. There was a time in my marriage where I would have disagreed with you. Unfortunately this is now where the insecurity comes in. I know you have followed my thread. So I'm assuming you have seen where I have pointed out that W goes straight to sex now. It's been like that for 5 years probably. No kissing, no foreplay, nothing. Just boom, straight to sex. The same toy I'm talking about was introduced to the bedroom about the same time, 5 years ago. Which was also about a year after our son was born. Seems like when things went downhill. I'm not an idiot. I'm sure when she was with the OM during our first separation that it was hot and heavy and included passion. Which probably included kissing and foreplay. When we were separated I slept with 3 women. All three came back for more. So I'm assuming I wasn't bad. But this is exactly what I'm scared of with my W. That she doesn't want me in that way and that she isn't going to want me in that way again. That there just won't be any passion. So I go to a bad place in my head. Is she getting it from someone else? My IC who also does MC says that she thinks W is masturbating to relieve stress. She also says that this is a very hard to come out of and it takes both parties to make it work. She has seen plenty of couples who do an in home separation and have a very hard time getting back to one room and intimate But she has said she has seen more success when an in home separation is involved whether than one of spouses moving out, as long as they can give each other the required space to grow Thanks for the well wishes I always appreciate your advice
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Basically Ginger I feel that it's not that I'm bad in bed, it's she isn't attracted to me like that anymore and hasn't been in a long time. I think that's why I'm wrestling with this so bad
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
So it's been almost a month since I've posted. I've actually tried to stay away from the forum because unfortunately it can put some bad thoughts into my head when I get to enriched in it. Ever since the last blowup, the day before our anniversary, there hasn't been any major blowups or fights. Over the last few weeks the space between us definitely seems to be growing. She is extremely short winded with me. Sticks to herself when she is home. Only responds with one or two words at most to texts. Everytime I even approach just to talk about the day or things she just seems bothered and put off. Last night was the first time in a while that we actually had a conversation. I told her I realized that our marriage isn't priority number one for her right now. She didn't disagree. I told her I'm here to support her getting through paramedic school just like she supported me so much through the years. It wasn't a long conversation as I could tell she was done. So I didn't push. Old me would have kept going and dragging it out. She starlets having to do clinicals for paramedic school about 4 weeks ago and that when the distancing really started to seem obviously to me. So maybe she is just that burnt out and that stressed out. But to me it seems that she is pulling away from me more and more. A couple months ago I really thought we had a real shot at making it. Now it feels like she is distancing herself for her safety or trying to do so for me to pull the trigger. For the first time I've actually thought about going to see an attorney to discuss my options and think about protecting myself. It's been 7 months of living in guest room and no sex. She isn't done with paramedic school for another 7 months. I'm staying no matter what through then for my son. I'm really trying to focus on me and continue to better myself. I've also stated snooping again and don't like me at all when I do that. I never find anything and I know that I wouldn't. She's too smart for that. She will communicate through facebook IM or instsgram or snap chat. Something that doesn't show up on bill. So that needs to stop pronto because it leads to nothing good ever At this point I'm really just trying to continue to have as much patience as possible. We are headed to her dads for thanksgiving this evening. Her family knows nothing of this going on. So we stay in the same bedroom while there. It's depressing thinking this could be last Thanksgiving and Christmas together as family. I'm trying my best to stay away from those thoughts
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Well I made an appointment to do a consultation with an attorney. I want to start getting my ducks in a row. I am not filing yet, but I am to the point that I just don't see this marriage being saved. It's been 10 months in separate bedrooms and no sex. I've begun to lose interest in her and I do believe she is getting her needs met elsewhere. Whether it be emotionally and/or physically. I am just at a point were I refuse to be in this marriage any longer without my needs being met. We are nothing more than co-parents and friends. I have begun to loathe the fact that she is getting all the benefits of marriage while not providing any back to me. So therefore my love tank is empty. I am devastated at what this is going to do to our son. He knows something is going on. And he even brought it up Friday. He said he thinks I am going to leave. I told him that I will always be there for him and that I will always love him.
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
We are nothing more than co-parents and friends. I have begun to loathe the fact that she is getting all the benefits of marriage while not providing any back to me. So therefore my love tank is empty. I am devastated at what this is going to do to our son. He knows something is going on. And he even brought it up Friday. He said he thinks I am going to leave. I told him that I will always be there for him and that I will always love him.
Hello cbtdad,
I'm glad you posted, especially since it has been a while.
It is certainly good to learn where you stand legally/financially by speaking with an attorney.
What you said about her getting all of the benefits of being married while you get none sounds like the definition of cake eating. Why is she getting all of the benefits? What are you doing to take care of you?
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
When I say benefits I mean that she is getting all the bills paid for by me, I still help around the house, and do as much as I can to help out since she is doing paramedic school and clinicals. I take our son to school 3 times a week. I cook dinner when I can, do most of grocery shopping. I'm buying any gifts or anything. Im not "dating" her. I'm not sure what I can do that will break that. One of the things that started it was her saying I'm supportive. So that's been one of my 180's For me I'm doing a lot of reading, workout out and getting healthier. But I really need to get out and meet new people. It's very tough with our schedules right now
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Well it's official. We just had a very pleasant 2 hour chat. Most open and honest communication we've had in years. We both agreed it was time to move on. We verbally agreed to take all the assets subtract the debt and split the remaining balance. We also are ok with shared custody. I am seeing the attorney Thursday to work out details. We had a good run and almost made it 10 years. It's sad, but the reality is both of us are ready to move on
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
We had a good run and almost made it 10 years. It's sad, but the reality is both of us are ready to move on
Right there with ya. Almost 10 for us, too. Fair winds and following seas, my friend.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Well since Monday nights conversation it has been very pleasant. We actually text back and forth during the day. It's very pleasant around the house. I guess it's like the pressure valve has been released. For the past couple months I think we both have been playing so many mind games that it built up. Now it seems as though we both have relaxed a little. We had created new cycle I believe. One were she would say she is "working on the marriage", but really wasn't. Which would frustrate me. Then would cause resentment and round and round we would go. She said she didn't want to tell me She was "done" becuase she thought I wouldn't let her finish school. I met with attorney yesterday. Got some good advice and told her I would be in touch when wife is done with school. We shall see. Just going focus on me for the time being. That's all I can control
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
