Phase 2 contd (2)

[kml]

Rent a tall handsome black man to accompany you to the dog swap

[Pax_luv]

Omg! What a great suggestion, KML! Haha. Better yet, I could hire one of the body builders at my gym! Many of them are fitness models! They do bicep curls with 100lb Dumbbells! These guys are beasts! Haha!

[pinn]

Rent a tall handsome black man to accompany you to the dog swap

That made me literally LOL.. and I never LOL!

[Pax_luv]

Hope everyone had a great weekend! I can not believe its thanksgiving this week! Ill be approaching my second holiday season without a spouse and im starting to get those holiday "triggers." This is on top of the audacious divorce triggers. Thank god for bootcamp and this board. It's the perfect distraction.

Just journaling 3 things on my mind-

1) I recently got reacquainted with an old friend. Many years ago we had a really stupid falling out. We were roommates and she would rather go out and party than pay rent which put me in a huge bind. We fought, she moved out, and I had to get the back-rent from her mom. We haven't spoken since. She was 21 and I was 19.

Prior to this, we were great friends and had a lot of the same values (minus the excessive partying). Well, here we are 14 years later and it's all water under the bridge now. The point of this is, time really does heal all wounds. I hadn't thought of her in years and years and now it's like no time has passed at all. We're reconnecting and it's fun. We had so manybgood memories and I barely remember the few bad ones... And the bad ones aren't even relevant in my life today.

Do you think the same thing happens with our ex- spouses? In time, if we don't intentionally create bad memories, do you think they'll think of us lbs's fondly? I wonder if my ex will wake up 10 years down the line and say, wow, I threw away my wife and marriage over something so stupid! (ignore the mind reading.... It's kind of a rhetorical question)

2) stbx's young boy- toy friend had posted something on facebook and a former mutual friend had commented on it and I was able to see it. I guess I was being nosy, but normally I would completely ignore this (in fact, I'm very close to eliminating this mutual friend because she's not a friend at all). It was a cheesy little essay about girls that stbx's friend wrote. It was not good. I had to cringe thinking how h has the patience for this kid. H is an elitist (so am I with all this judgment!) and even our former therapist said, "oh, no matter what, Mr. Feyth will always be the smartest person in the room." I wonder if it's an ego thing or if h really has common ground with this kid due to his current mental age. Again, kind of a rhetorical question. Doesn't concern me... Just boggles the mind.

3) I have a friend who has been contemplating becoming a waw over the last year. Her h had been unfaithful to her and she now was ready to walk. Her h quickly shaped up, was remorseful, etc. Over the last 4 months, She did the work to look deep within, she got her own life, found her voice and now her and her h have a relationship that is better than ever. They continue to work together, respect eachother, and respect their commitment. They both decided that marriage is really f'ing hard, but their spouses were worth it.

I think it's a beautiful story. As we all know, walking away without trying is the easy way out. I am so happy for them and where they've gone on their journey, but I'm also jealous. Why wasn't I worth it? I thought h was worth it so I went to therapy, got a DB coach, read everything I could get my eyeballs on. Don't get me wrong, I think he's a giant %*€~face, and I want to be as far from him as possible right now.... But why wasn't I worth it? Why wasn't I even a little worth it? He's never once demonstrated the slightest hesitation in his decision to exit the marriage. I know with certainty I was not a horrible wife... That was never his complaint. His chief complaints really revolve around him not getting his way like a pissy 2 year old. Blehh.

Enough about him.... Just my thoughts/ feelings. Wishing everyone a lovely week.


Have a good one!

[Sotto]

Hi Feyth, I'm glad to hear about your reconnecting with your friend. Sometimes I think these sitches have so many silver linings - if you weren't in your current place in life and she in hers, it might not have happened etc..

I think so many of us share the - did he really think so little of me and of our long(ish) R and our M? When I look at the sitches of others, their MLCers seem to engage with them much more. But mine? Zilch. I'm partly glad and it partly stings a little still. But if I'm applying MLC learning here, I would say that he doesn't have 'it' to give just now and is seeking the thing or person that will 'make' him happy....ie: it's much less about your value as a spouse and much more about what's going on with him...

Xx

[Pax_luv]

Thank you, Sotto. I think you are right with your assessment.

Well, another week beginning.... Another obnoxious interaction with stbxh and gut wrenching call with the lawyer. Each lie is so heinous and hurtful and it freaks me out. Yes, according to h our entire relationship was a sham and I was just a money leech. at least the lawyer said, the burden of proof is on him. He has to prove that I willingly gave up my ownership of the house years ago. Wtf?!! Why on earth would a happily married couple do tha and why would a wife just willingly say, hey I have an idea lets take my name off The house like I don't evenn live here It kills me every second of every day dealing with this. But I knew it was coming..... I know him too well. It's not about winning, it's about doing anything and everything possible not to lose.

I hate this and wish I could fast forward the next few months.

[Pax_luv]

Sorry for all the typos....I'm just a mess. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

[Rouky]

I'm so pleased to hear about your friend and her H. What it tells me and should tell you is that if H is meant to in your life he is meant to be. Like you I wondered why wasn't I worth it? I have come to the conclusion that we are worthy, unfortunately we have met someone who hasn't got the same values as us and therefore weren't worthy of us in the first instance. Maybe our H were part of our life to show us that we are strong women and that we should believed in ourselves more.

Turn the table round, if you were still with H, would you have accomplished or even contemplating to do everything you have accomplished so far. Maybe it hurts because we blame ourselves for not following our gut feelings ( well it's my case) regarding H. Who knows?

What I can tell you for sure is that I have done thing I'd have never thought I was able to do if I was still with H. From reading your post it's the same. Embrace the new you and if it hurts maybe it's because we can't have what we want (even if we know it's not healthy for us).

Take care xx

[Pax_luv]

Hey rouky,

You're right.... It's kind of the ego talking I guess. The ego always wants it can't have. I don't want him. However for myself (my ego) I have to know that I gave it all I had. Clearly I'm still here so I'm not tapped out yet. But at the same time, how could anyone go back to their spouse after this behavior and total disrespect. Disrespect that has occured throughout the whole relationship.

Then there's the MLC caveat. They don't get a pass for their bad behavior, but we're still encouraged to respect their journey.

Even though the whole "you didn't break em" phrase runs through my mind, my ego still blames me for not being the perfect wife which is egotistical to even think that's possible.

When it comes to the craziness and arrogance and entitlement which seems to be on par with MLC..... Part of me still doesn't want to believe it. Kind of like I have to continue to touch the fire to see if it's really hot. That's why I haven't completely turned my back on him yet.

Also, I feel like this is the toughest part. I'm not good at standing up for myself and that's kind of how I got here. I always backed down to h because he was so controlling. And he still is!

Now is the time that I have to stand up for myself without fear of h, his words, and what my former friends and family think of me. Who the f cares anyway..... None of them have reached out once during this ordeal.

This really is the hardest thing. He is such a snake.

How's that for an angry woman's stream of consciousness.

[ciluzen]

That was an excellent angry woman's stream of consciousness. Get it all out!

As for all the rest, I still wander around having those imaginary convos, lectures, fights, confrontations with H and "friends". I think that's ok. It makes it easier to just look confident and unflappable, smiling and validating his feelings no matter what the tangled ball o' craziness before me comes up with. Vent away. You are going to see the side during D that you would never have expected, even from MLC.

It doesn't mean you hate him or have given up on him, or it doesn't have to. But that's not totally him right now.Its some awful MLC creature. I envision that scene in the Exorcist where the little girl writes "help me" on her stomach from inside her own body that was taken over by the demon. Yes, I'm a total wierdo. But really, I feel that he's probably still in there...somewhere. Look how much you've changed, are changing, since this happened; but you're still the same person inside.

So, repeat ad nauseum, "focus is all on me, what I need, what I want." You know the drill by now. Let him be crazy and say or do what he wants. Just make sure your L is on your same page. Go live your life. Live it beautifully, daringly, givingly ...is that even a word? Authentically for you. Leave him to bubble in his broth of crazy, depression and anger. He's probably a bit of tough meat right now anyway.