Greetings, I have read the SSM and am planning on reading the divorce busting book soon. I have read over much of this form and it has been helpful. My situation has some unique features to it and I think now is a good time to tell my story here. I thank anyone who takes the time to give me any advice. Things start in January of this year. W and I have always been very close. We do everything together and have 2 kids. Married 18 years with no more issues than occasional fights. Sex almost every day. In January I started to feel like sex time was a little different but ignored it. Wife tells me she has “rape” fantasys and wants me to take her more forcefully. This is not really my nature but I agreed to try it carefully with her. Tried 4 or 5 times over the next few months. She seemed to like it. I was ok with it but don’t prefer it. Wife and I practiced coitus interruptus for birth control and it worked for us for many years. Foolishly, I decided to count her cycle and then leave it in right before her period to try and enhance sexy time with a surprise. She got pregnant so I either counted wrong or she ovulated very late. She surprised me with how upset she was. We did not want a 3rd kid but I assured her that I would take care of it and it would be ok. She insisted on abortion and I agreed to help her get this done. This was her 7th abortion (6 other abortions before I met her) So I accidentally tapped into a very dark place for her. Abortion was 7 months ago in April without complication and she healed quickly. Sex stopped completely and I was patient with this. She initiated sex a few times over the next few months but then screamed at me after and said that she hated me. She stopped wearing our wedding ring. I got anxious and I definitely made a few mistakes during this time. I did not beg though and tried to be patient. I did pretty good at backing off and giving space but I would try to “convince” her things were ok occasionally which always backfired badly as she said I was trying to control her. Daytime mostly continues normally and she is surprisingly nice to me. I tried to initiate sex a few more times and she consented but told me she hated me after and wished I was dead. I left her alone for a few more months and then asked her to wear our wedding ring again. I asked her to at least try to be together again. She did not take this well and after argument I took mine off as well (trying to show acceptance) I promise no attempt at sex for a month. During this time I realize that she is flirting online with a B list celebrity that she has had a crush on since she was teenager. I realized that the flirting actually started before she got pregnant and we were having problems. Lucky for me, he is not responding to her but he just chats back about the regular topics. I realize she is somewhat delusional about where this is going. She has a pretty popular twitter feed for her art and she keeps making him art and posting it there. Her replies indicate that she thinks their relationship is closer than it apparently is. I realize over the next few months that she had picture of me in her head that is way worse than I actually am. She has “forgotten” anything good I have ever done and “remembers” the few bad things in much worse detail that is true. She blames me for things that I did not do at all. I have mostly been going with this. I had apologized for things I didn’t do and taken more responsibility than I should have. She has told me she hates me, has no trust and that I am a murderer. She tells me that I hurt her on purpose(I did not) I have mostly let this go. The most bizare thing is that most days she is very nice and you would not know that anything was wrong. It took months to piece together the picture in her head. The kids have not noticed a thing (which I am very grateful for) Where do I go from here? Effectively, I am unable to talk about it at all with her. If I even mention counciling she will fly into a rage. I miss my wife and want to make amends. I’m pretty sure she would leave me if the opportunity presented itself. I don’t want to lose her or my children. I have tried very hard to be honest and impartial in telling my story. I would be happy to provide more details if someone thinks that it would help. Should I try to demonstrate pulling away from her? I have been working on acceptance within myself but I don’t really want to just sit back and lose her. Thank you for reading this far. I look forward to your replies.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
So sorry to hear about your problems in the M. When using that method of birth control, the W has to put all her trust in her H to not get her pregnant. Learning you thought it was "safe" and went ahead and done your thing without consulting with her first........could cause a multitude of negative emotions in her. What are the ages of you and your W?
From reading your post it sounds as if your W has some serious issues. Has she ever had therapy?
How did the two of you meet? How old was she when you M? Did something bad happen to her when she was growing up? Did you know about the six abortions before you M her?
IMHO, your biggest problem is not a SSM. I mean, it may seem to you it is, but you were having sex almost every day for 18 years........until a few months ago, right? Your W could have some emotional issues that will need professional therapy. She could also be in an emotional affair, even if that guy did not return the same affectional texts.
Things may be a little slower during the holidays, but if you'll stick with us, I think you will get support. Keep posting.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'm still figuring my own situation out, but its easier to look at other peoples with a little more clarity than my own.
Some things that Ive done for myself is to go to counseling alone since my husband wont and is insistent upon divorce. In the mean time, he sees me bettering myself and I am. It helps me, gives me an outlet and makes me less emotional with him.
It doesnt sound like divorce has been brought up yet, but obviously things aren't good. Would she be open to individual counseling just in regards to the abortion, not necessarily relationship counseling? That alone can be a very hard thing to deal with and it sounds like shes struggling with it, among other things.
The fact that she is looking outside of your relationship for attention means she likely already has a foot out the door. The thing I've struggled with most is the fact that you can't win her back with logic, promising things, etc. It isnt something you can talk through. You have to do the things in the DR/DB books for you. Its counter intuitive and can be a struggle. So for me it clicked when someone said, "youre going to lose him anyway, whats the harm in trying?" Basically if youre afraid of detaching and sitting back because youre worried shell take off if youre not in action, well.. shes going to go anyway. So at least this way you have a fighting chance. It is taking action, just not in the way you would think.
Married for seven years
1 two-year-old boy
BD: 09/16/2016
Separated in different states due to military/school
Thank you for the reply. I will do my best to answer your questions impartially. I appreciate any replies that I receive here.
I am 42, W is 43
I know I was wrong to risk her like that. But, it's to late to take it back. I have done my best to own my failure and let her know it is not something that I would do again.
W has never had therapy and has a very low opinion of therapy in general. It's likely off the table because she hates the idea of it.
We met at a Rave when we were 23 and 24. We were together for a year before we married. She had a string of bad boyfriends and got pregnant repeatedly while growing up. Her parents were busy/unavailable for her and offered little/no help aside from getting her abortions. I knew about her trouble with boyfriends and the abortions before I married her. she seemed stable and over it.
Sex stopped in April of this year after the abortion. Before that it was rare for us to go more than 2 or 3 days without sex.
She is almost definitely having an emotional affair. She is imagining that he is connecting with her when he is not. she takes facebook items that he posts as containing secret messages for her(they don't). she will write him a paragraph and he will reply with one or two sentences. this has been going on for a little over a year.
I'm not terribly afraid of the OM. I realize that he is a symptom of the problem. I actually admire him for not taking the bait and replying to her sexual innuendo or requests for more personal info.
Still, I don't like what all of this means for our relationship. I'm pretty sure she is willing to run off but just doesn't have the opportunity.
Foolishly, I decided to count her cycle and then leave it in right before her period to try and enhance sexy time with a surprise. She got pregnant so I either counted wrong or she ovulated very late. She surprised me with how upset she was.
I agree with Sandi. She put her trust in you and you betrayed her.
Originally Posted By: Lex23
We did not want a 3rd kid but I assured her that I would take care of it and it would be ok.
Thats easy for you to say. Were you going to sacrifice your body carrying for 9 months? Were you going to undergo the risks involved with pregnancy and delivery?
Originally Posted By: Lex23
She tells me that I hurt her on purpose(I did not)
You did not? It sounds like you made a selfish choice and it backfired. It was an accident that she got pregnant, but your decision was NOT an accident.
I know this post is not helpful in how to move forward. But I think at first, you need to really look at your side of the street to understand what you did in your marriage.
I agree with you. I didn't mean to misrepresent myself. I know that I did wrong. I have owned up to my huge mistake to my wife. I owned it unconditionally. When I am able to talk to her I never try to make excuses for what I did.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Lex, you have several elements in your story that resonate with me. The things you're seeing -- I realize they are surprising for you, but if you look back into your history, are they really new? Or is there a pattern of such behavior over the ~20 years you've known her. Is she quick to anger? Do her emotions run very hot and very cold suddenly? Does she have trouble opening up about her inner feelings? Does she have low self-esteem? Did you have good communication all those years? Was she a very willing partner for daily sex for 18 years? Does she gravitate towards strong infatuations, as with the celebrity?
Please think about it. I'd like to hear whether this is all new, or maybe this has been a part of her personality all along.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
She had a string of bad boyfriends and got pregnant repeatedly while growing up. Her parents were busy/unavailable for her and offered little/no help aside from getting her abortions. I knew about her trouble with boyfriends and the abortions before I married her. she seemed stable and over it.
Lex23,
Just my opinion...
It sounds as if your wife has suffered through a lot of trauma, and she's probably been a victim of rape, maybe even childhood sexual abuse. PTSD can result from trauma, as well as other serious disorders. With trauma, memories are often repressed, so the victim actually becomes more susceptible to further abuse because they have difficulty discerning between safe and unsafe people and behaviors (i.e. poor boundaries).
For a variety of reasons, the repressed memories are often triggered in middle age and that's when the house of cards begins to fall apart. The victim is usually not fully aware just how bad things have become.
From personal experience with my ex-wife, she didn't "trust" therapists at all. It really wasn't just a trust issue, she was afraid that all of the deep and dark stuff inside would be exposed, and in her mind, that would just lead to more intolerable pain. Begging the victim to go to therapy won't help much and it may even push her away.
