Struggling

[fightin]

Chris,

I initially stated that I didn't want to hear anything about it, and thankfully we don't talk in depth about it. However, since we are best friends when I'm willing to sit down with her and listen to her feelings, even if about the OW, that is when she says she really sees the woman she fell in love with. That said it is hard for me to give that up knowing that right now it is the only time she sees the person in me she has been missing.

She initially said when she was with me she "promised" to be in the moment with me and wouldn't text the OW. Well of course she can't keep that promise. It started off she would text her if I left the room, now she just does it in front of me. I confronted her about it last night, but when she got angry and just shrugged when I asked why she'd be so disrespectful I just said "ok" and walked away. I continued to be nice to her rest of the evening and this morning before leaving for work.

No matter what happens between us I don't want to give her reasons to blame me, and I want to walk away knowing I gave it my all and that I can live with my actions.

[fightin]

hawker, so sorry to hear of your struggles as well. Yes, my friends are trying to be supportive of me working through this the way that I am, but they don't understand it at all. They know I deserve better. Well so do I, but what they don't understand is like you said, my W is not the woman I married and fell in love with. I deserve way better than this new person she has become, but I believe my W is still in there and that is what I'm fighting to save.

I've had stupid moments where I have let my emotions get the better of me, but that is what I am working very hard on stopping. Like last night as she text the OW right in front of me several times after she was the one that made the rule she wouldn't do that. I confronted her about not respecting it to which she replied "Oh I'm respecting it quite a bit." in a very hateful way. I asked again that since she made the rule why and she just shrugged so at that point I just said "ok" and walked away. Her disrespectful behavior is on her and I'm doing my best to not engage in arguments and not give her any reason to blame me or feel pushed away.

We had our son last night and tonight so I'm going to a doctor's appointment this afternoon to finally get back on my meds, and then I'll be going to the gym and heading home. I'm trying to not disrupt our son's life as much as possible. He is her son from a previous R so she will be home too. All I can do at this point is be the best me possible for the sitch and hope and pray the W I know and love sees the W she once knew and loved. If she doesn't though, then I can walk away knowing I tried everything I could.

I honestly think the guilt is killing her, and that is why she's being so hateful. As long as I don't give her reasons to be angry with me and don't act like an emotional basket case, she has only herself to blame and be mad at.

[fightin]

hawker,

So you said your W is living with the OW. How are you handling things so far? Have you seen any progress using the DB methods?

[hawker]

Well, I didn't handle things great at first...I didn't find this site until after she moved out. My W is weak and couldn't make the decision on if she wanted to work on our M or start a new R.....after 4 months of EA with the OW she moved out to a rental for 2 months and then it moved to a PA. She still said she didn't know what she wanted...I was tired of living in limbo and said I can't live in a 3 person M....it didn't take long for her to move right in with the OW....which was so hard, I was emotional and had one melt down when she moved her stuff out....for the next 2 months she was texting things like I miss you and love you...so we were still talking some but then on Halloween she said she was going to start the process of D...that kicked me in the gut (she did it in the courtyard at school during class change)...since then I have went went very dim...she has texted a few times asking about my dad I gave a short answer reply and that is it....

So I thought there was progress at one point but not with the going dim....she is still in the fog with the OW and I don't see it lifting anytime soon.

I see progress in myself with the DB methods...I am thinking about her ALOT less and not waiting for a text or wanting to text her...I know I can't control her feelings I can just control my own emotions and how I react to the situation. Believe me I miss her and our life but I am OK.....I have a great support system!

Hang in there!!

[Chris73]

Hi fightin. I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine how heartbreaking all of this must be for you. The jealousy must be so overwhelming, I can't imagine staying calm in this situation. I've only been posting on this forum for the past week but I can already say that continuing to share my sitch here helps me get past those moments of panic and worry. Even if no one responds, it still feels good to get the thoughts out of your head. Keep posting and stay strong!

[fightin]

Today is not so easy. It has been a full week since BD of the A. Initially W said she wanted to work on our issues, but as the days pass (slowly I might add) she is less receptive to have anything to do with me. At first she would still text me to make sure I made it to work if I didn't text her as I have an hour drive. I have stopped texting her, and she does not text me to see if I'm okay. It is little things like that I notice that can crush me in an instance.

I'm still screwing up too. The other morning I couldn't sleep. She has all the cards I've given her pinned to the wall in our bedroom and I decided they needed to come down right away a 4:45 am. That of course made her angry, it made me angry at myself too for letting my emotions rule me. Then today before I left I was stupid and decided to tell her "Your wife and your best friend are standing right in front of you.". In my head it sounded good in the moment, but it is pursuing behavior and I have to stop it. I don't do it often, but I know even once a week could be enough to firmly push my W out the door and deeper to the OW.

I'm thinking of moving to the couch as we are both sleeping in the MBR when she comes home. Would it be a good idea and help me detach if I moved to the couch?

Tonight she is making it officially a PA, yes, she told me this. This hurts a lot and I'm having a very hard day already. I hate that I feel this way, and that I'm so weak. All I want is my W back and with each passing day that seems less likely to happen. I'm not sure I can live like this. I have no idea how you veteran DBers stayed the course for months and even years. I admire you for that and I hope I can do the same.

[nutts]

I don't know that there's anyone here who hasn't backslid some when trying to detach and DB, but just keep trying to move forward and detach. It's going to be very hard, I won't lie, but once you start to reach it, things get easier.

IMO, you should set the boundary that your W moves out of the MBR since she's having an active affair if possible. It isn't you that's f'ed up your marriage and having an affair, so why should you move out of the MBR? At least, that's what I did with my W when her A was exposed.

Either way, good luck, we're pulling for you.

[fightin]

I know it is still very fresh for me, and I probably shouldn't beat myself up for the slip-ups as long as they're not major blow-ups, but they drive me crazy once I've thought about it. I have not done any detaching aside from not texting her and not talking about the A & our R.

I will try and see if she's willing to move out of the MBR, if not I may go stay with a friend for a while.

Thanks for the encouragement.

[fightin]

Question/Advice Needed

I've decided to stay with a friend for a few days. While I do not expect my W to even care, let alone ask where I am, what should I say if she does ask?

[hawker]

I wouldn't move out of the MBR...she's the one having the A and telling you about it...have her move to a different room.