I am 37 and have two kids with my WAW of 13 years. It all started late last year when she started slowly cutting of family for perceived slights or because maintaining a relationship was pointless. Early in the year, she started having issues at work due to a new boss, and her parents helped us buy a house she wasn't really on board with...both of these caused her great stress (perhaps in tandem as the house meant she couldn't quit) In May, it got worse and she was talking about suicide. Then, in July things changed...she was more angry than sad. Lots of yelling and tons of anxiety. She was texting a ton and had started running, staying out later and later each time. She had lost weight, was straightening her hair, wearing earrings. And I was suspicious. So I checked her text history, and sure enough she was texting a guy. When I confronted her she said he was a friend from work who was depressed and helping her out. I thought it was weird, because she told me about her other friends from work that she texts but kept this one a secret. I told her it made me uncomfortable since he was 28 and single, and it didn't go well.
She started going out with her friends from work. Poker nights. Bars. Dinners. She even ditched me on a date night to go to a movie because they had an extra ticket. And there was tons of guilt and lots of secrecy. She blocked me from our cell phone bill and turned off her gps. But i was able to track her down other ways and followed her phone for a week. She wasn't going where she said, and wound up stopping by an apartment complex a few times...you guessed it, that guy from work. When I confronted her again, she was furious at first. Turned off her location services. But the next day she was extremely remorseful. Said that she was running while he caught Pokemon. That she was sick of hearing about his problems anyway and wouldn't see him anymore. But she continued to not come home until late at night. Worked more. Couldn't sleep. Started going hiking for the day on Sundays. And then she dropped the bomb and said she was moving out in September. 6 month lease.
I helped her move out. I did what I could to support her. She promised to come over daily and help with the kids, and for the first week she split time between our place and the apartment. But by week 2 she was there full time. We saw her 1 or 2 times a week. I heard from her daily, but it was usually really short. We were not allowed at her apartment.
It had been like this pretty much up until the Saturday before Halloween when we were supposed to go to visit family together about an hour away. At the last minute, she said she had a stomach bug and we weren't going. Later that day, I sat down to watch netflix and noticed some shows that had been watched recently that I didn't watch and I know she didn't (they were cartoons) but that the guy she was talking to would be interested in. I confronted her. I also called her mom and talked to her about it for the first time. Her whole family thought it was an affair before I even gave a story. Her mom called her and told her to stop stringing me along, so on Sunday she came over and said she didn't love me anymore. Was very cold. When I begged and argued, all she had in return was rage like I have never seen. I thought it was over.
But the next morning she apologized profusely. Wanted to come over and take the kids trick or treating. Gave me a hug when she got there (first in months) and told me she loved me (also first time in months). It almost felt normal for a night. Then back to the same ol the next day. On wednesday it came to a head. She came over without notice and i asked what she was doing there. We fought about the guy, what she said, etc...and after she left, I had had enough. I called verizon and was reinstated as account owner. There were THOUSANDS of texts to this guy. I was sick. I was done. My parents came up to help. I met with a lawyer. I sent her a proposal that she dump that guy and go to marriage counseling, and if it doesn't work I would consider it a sign of good faith and consider a more equitable arrangement with the kids.And a strange thing happened. She started begging to see the kids. For me to tell them she loves them. She said she was "coming out of her fog"
On Saturday, my daughter fell playing with her brother outside and needed some stiches. I let her know and she met me at the ER. She was very angry/cold at first, but by the end we had a chat in the car where she admitted she was angry at me from years back and that she just couldn't get past it...that she couldn't love me anymore. But we agreed she would come over on Sunday. It was nice and we almost felt like a family again. She made plans to come over Monday. But she also refused my proposal and refused to show me her texts from Logan.
I found this website yesterday when looking for what I should do. I see now I made tons of mistakes. But what I really need to know is...is she a WW or a WAW? I lean towards the former, but part of me refuses to accept that she had an affair despite all the obvious signs...Without concrete proof (she denies it, of course) I am constantly wavering on a course of action and it is killing me. I started the process of treating her like a WW last night when she came over the best I could, and it obviously got to her. She lingered when leaving because I just said bye, she texted me when she got home saying she sensed pain in me and hoped we would someday be friends, then when I didn't respond she said she gets it and wont contact me unless it is about the kids. I don't want to drive her away, just make her want me again.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
what I really need to know is...is she a WW or a WAW?
It doesnt really matter if she slept with him for it to be an affair. There was an emotional connection which threatens/ed your marriage...thats an affair in my book, regardless of whether he put his penis inside of her.
I would proceed like you have a WW. Follow Sandi's rules, detach, GAL, and all of that.
The perhaps most unusual part in all of this is that she didn't only leave me, but our D7 and S4. She was only coming by once a week, and before she left she saw them for maybe 20 minutes a day. She told me she didn't love anything, including them, and being around them was painful. She also said she resented them because she couldn't end her life for fear of how it would impact theirs.
Of course, this all predates the guy...I assume he helped her feel something.
But starting with Halloween she has been coming around more. LAst night she told me she wants to see the kids as much as possible. What I don't know is if this is a reaction to potentially losing me (and thereby the kids) and she is really "coming out of her fog" as she puts it, or if she is just trying to keep me on the line. She does seem a bit more like her old self.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I have ordered the DR book and plan on reading it this weekend.
Quick question...she has moved out of the house, so when she wants to see the kids is it ok for her to come there, or should I be meeting her at a neutral site?
First off, any tips for GAL when your WW leaves you with the kids and up until a week ago has made almost 0 effort to see them? I don't have much in the way of family in the area, and the kids are young (7 and 4). It's tough to have a life when my life pretty much revolves around work and them
Second question, also regarding the kids. Since I had a consultation with the Lawyer last Thursday (the day after I discovered she was still texting OM), she has been wanting to see the kids more...technically it may have even started a bit sooner than that. Anyway, she now says she wants to see them every day after going a week without seeing them and even then only for an hour or two at a time. I tried to work out a schedule, but she mocks the idea that we could be busy and says her schedule at work is hectic. The best I could do was requiring 24 hours notice. Any tips for enforcing better boundaries without being a jerk or denying my kids access to their mom?
Quick question...she has moved out of the house, so when she wants to see the kids is it ok for her to come there, or should I be meeting her at a neutral site?
There is no right or wrong answers here, you know her better than we do, what do YOU want to happen?
The only other advice I can give you is that whatever you set up now could follow along in any divorce proceedings. So be sure to stand up for yourself and do what you want, dont do something because you think it will bring her back or make it easier to reconcile.
Quick question...she has moved out of the house, so when she wants to see the kids is it ok for her to come there, or should I be meeting her at a neutral site?
There is no right or wrong answers here, you know her better than we do, what do YOU want to happen?
The only other advice I can give you is that whatever you set up now could follow along in any divorce proceedings. So be sure to stand up for yourself and do what you want, dont do something because you think it will bring her back or make it easier to reconcile.
I don't want to punish her or the kids for what she is done...the truth is I don't have a lot of anger towards her (of course, she also denies any infidelity of any kind but refuses to provide any proof to the contrary in the face of how bad it looks and that little bit of me not being sure one way or the other keeps the true anger at bay).
What does scare me is she is acting erratically. Unsafe driving, running at night, staying out late, hanging out with losers I wouldn't want my children around, maybe even drinking and driving...and that is just what I know of. So I don't feel 100% confident in leaving young children in her care for extended periods of time. I'd like to be there when she visits, but that in turn makes GAL and detaching a million times more difficult, so I am torn.
I don't want to punish her or the kids for what she is done...the truth is I don't have a lot of anger towards her (of course, she also denies any infidelity of any kind but refuses to provide any proof to the contrary in the face of how bad it looks and that little bit of me not being sure one way or the other keeps the true anger at bay).
What does scare me is she is acting erratically. Unsafe driving, running at night, staying out late, hanging out with losers I wouldn't want my children around, maybe even drinking and driving...and that is just what I know of. So I don't feel 100% confident in leaving young children in her care for extended periods of time. I'd like to be there when she visits, but that in turn makes GAL and detaching a million times more difficult, so I am torn.
It sounds like you should make the best decisions for you and for your children. Sometimes being a good DAD means tough love. I am not saying to punish her but just be aware she is not the person you thought she was. She is an alien in her a body that looks like her right now.
