Sorry about the two year bombversary HaWho. It must be hard dealing with his idiocy and craziness day in day out for that long.
I'm also staying oust of H's communication with the kids. I actually gave the kids an old mobile so that whenever their "Disney" dad feels like doing some parenting he can call them directly.
Don't be too harsh on yourself sweetie, you are doing amazingly well xxx
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
I am going to go anti-BD here. Please forgive me. Your H angers me more than he angers you.
I know you don't want to leave. I know you have a strong sense in your vows and he was around for your depression. I completely understand that.
But when he says such awful things about how you are a nuisance in your life, did you ever tell him, well, you have the option to leave it and I am not keeping you here against your will? That he isn't a prisoner and he could make his own choices?
That would be the truth dart I would throw directly at in his eye. He is seriously being abusive and rude now and your are as loving as could be to him. You definitely have a special spot reserved for you in heaven.
I totally, 1000%, agree with your "lecture" to the newer LBSs here. I thought the same thing you did about the gift of time. But Cadet is right on the money. The inner growth I've gained is extraordinary.
As for your h's recent antics ... it has been my experience that when I am happy and satisfied with the way I'm navigating through my life, my h will try to throw a monkey wrench into things. I realized that a while ago. It seemed like every time a reached a point of feeling like I have a handle on all this, he'd do or say something that would take me 2 or 3 steps back.
You seemed to have a reached a point that you can go about your business and not let it get under your skin (or at least that he sees). I think he'll give up trying to provoke you eventually. I think they need to figure out that they can't "get to you" anymore. In the meantime, stay strong!
{{{Hugs}}} 2T
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
Well, this is a weird one, more texting from h and I'd love some advice.
First, thanks Esame, Ginger and 2T.
Ginger - the issue is he is totally PA. He just infers I am a nuisance but never actually says it directly. Instead he says "you are wasting my time" over these silly things that take 2 seconds to resolve. He knows he can leave. But, I am not going to tell him that when he voices mere cranky annoyances.
2T - that is what I sense. He is miserable and I am not. And he is trying so hard to pick a fight.
Speaking of which, I woke up to more crazy texting. Not sure how to respond. He is definitely stuck in the past. This weekend he told us he kept dreaming he was back in his childhood apartment only we were there with him. It's so weird he can't see it's a nightmare he HAS actually created and now he lives it.
Anyway, we are going back east for XMAS and we've been invited to his best friend's house to have dinner with his family. H sends a bizarre text saying the following: "x night we are invited to my friend's house and I'd like you to join us if you can act well. No crying, pouting, criticizing me, no problems. If friendly and discreet behavior isn't possible, I will take the boys and give you private time. As for family visits, I am happy to join you and our boys. But, not if I am made to feel unwelcome/uncomfortable. I know I can behave well in all scenarios. And I can entertain myself if friendly behavior is not exhibited by you. So I am flexible. Your call. Let me know soon so I can plan accordingly. Thanks."
How weird. He thinks I am going to cry and cause problems?!? I hate to mind read but I know when he was little, at a holiday, his mother got into a huge, very emotional, Jerry Springer-like fight with someone and they ended up leaving in the middle of dinner! I can't help but wonder if this isn't another case of him projecting his mother onto me. I know he always felt uncomfortable going to his extended family's house, too. He has always been welcome at my family's.
My gut tells me he is in the past on this one and maybe this is the little boy. It's uncanny how similar this is to that holiday with his mom.
Thoughts?
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Yep, the little boy has come out to play and he sees you as his mother and him as the child. I wouldn't get into it w/him. I would just say whatever you wish to do is fine by me and if you wish to discuss it further, we can do it over a cup of coffee or a snack. Then let it be. It tells him that you are open to speak orally w/him. Sometimes we have to make a move to get them to move an inch.
These text message deals need to be stopped. You both are living under the same roof and he needs to be speaking to you directly in person about this stuff. Texting is a PA move on his part so that he doesn't have to deal w/you face to face and you don't have the opportunity to challenge and/or dispute his nonsense. Time to do a 180 and not respond to all of his texts and when he cries about you not responding, advise him that you are available to speak to him directly about the issues and will be happy to do so in person, not via text, telephone or email.
HaWho...time to do a little testing in the old MLC Lab. Time to try something different and help him move an inch.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I agree Job and sent him a message telling him that. He never responded. He seemed angry/grumpy with me until later in the evening. At one point I was leaving with the kids and h said goodbye so cheerfully to the kids. But to me? He said bye in this super flat, depressed voice. The disparity between the tones was laughable.
I assume he will continue to test this texting boundary.
This trip back east ought to be interesting. Sounds like he's already worrying about it all. He really is stuck in the past.
It's so weird. Sometimes I still can't believe how real this thing can be.
Thanks Job.
Last edited by job; 11/09/1606:06 AM. Reason: Edited posting for poster to reflect the complete sentence.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Yes, just like a teenager, he is going to be testing the boundary on text messages, etc. He's doing everything he can to rattle your cage. He tries one thing, it doesn't work to rile you up and then he tries something else. He's a very frustrated man child right now.
If I recall, he has some anxiety just before your family came to visit recently. He has nothing but time on his hands and he knows that if he goes, he's going to have to wear a "mature" mask and act like a grown up and that worries him. He's afraid that people will be watching and judging him for his actions/behavior. Of course, we all know that we don't have any control over what they say or do, but we get blamed if someone questions them about their behavior, etc. They don't realize that they tell on themselves.
I wouldn't worry to much about him and his anxiety. He'll either go or stay home w/his tree. But the most important thing is that you and your sons have a great time. I'm sure you are looking forward to coming east for the holidays.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Why did you send a message to tell him to stop sending messages?
You are a brave woman. Tell him to his FACE! Let him know if he has anything to say, he could address you directly, not via text or email. I bet saying that to his FACE would make an impact.
I'm sorry I sound so pushy. From where I sit, whether or not he's got his childhood issues and is recreating something, you deserve to be treated with respect. Again, I may differ in this, but there appears to be no consequence to him acting like a disrespectful a$$ to you. Can you punish him? no. He does get his kids cared for without much effort from him, a clean house, dinner in front of him, and you treat him so kindly.
Maybe time to really shake it up a bit to lay those boundaries.
You have gotten some great insightful feedback from.some wise people.I agree with them.
Another way to look at it could be that H is unable to openly discuss his thoughts. It is not only easier to do so in text but maybe the only way he is capable of communicating "openly".
In the past I have expressed my sentiments to my W in written format. I wasn't capable to formulate my thoughts as good in front of her. It would have been preferable and much better to openly discuss stuff, but at the time I was depressed and even without the depression it is not natural to me. Maybe he is a coward but chances are he cannot contemplate doing it otherwise.
I am not saying this for you to let it slide. I believe good boundaries are important.I say this so you feel less negative towards him and his texts. And hopefully they will not affect you then.
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
HaWho, I agree with Job and Ginger. Perhaps when he sends messages like that, you can respond you'll be happy to discuss it with him whenever he likes and then drop it or ignore future texts about the same issue until he comes to you to talk face to face. He'll get angry or moody or pouty, but let him. He'll get over it.
I'm willing to bet that you don't communicate important issues with your boys this way and my question would be why let your h get away with it? He's having issues but you can set boundaries and let him know you expect him to civil and respectful to you.
Sorry if I was too blunt ... just my 2 cents.
xoxoxo 2T
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
