Certainly it is frustrating to realize she was detached but kept it to herself.... There are somethings she said that I have thought about that I can do better. Be more patient with my son and be more present. I have started doing better three months ago after I felt she started the A while on the first trip. And I will continue.
I do think it is more planned, i told her today that the exchange of texts with someone she did not know since the 8th grade, got more serious leading to June trip and then you saw him for coffee and then saw him for sex. And you never told me. This was planned. I know it is not about this guy and only about my W. (guy was a loser, ugh )
I am focusing on changing my emotional response and not using the word "should"... although it is hard. I did proactively try to do the right things over the past few months to win her back... and it worked so far... so trying to feel good about that and not a victim.
H (me) 52, W 42 M 15 D14, S12 PA June and Sept 2016 Found out Sept, confronted Oct NC with OM since Oct, remorseful Dating since Nov
I'll be honest it sounds like you are convincing yourself everything is going awesome and i hope it does/will. What i dont hear is concrete actions. A lot of analysis on your part and observing and mind reading.
Did you try for an MC/IC as the others have suggested.
Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs 23Mar16-BD 9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss. 27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM. 14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation. 24May17-Divorced.
No C yet Not trying to mind read or analyze, my intent is to share something on this forum for input. I do my best to share the facts I know and then interpret the rest. My W has answered a lot of questions... but also seems to not fully know what happened. Or why. Simply detached or not close to me and that I would not find out and she wanted to do it on those five days, and then felt bad hoping I would never find out... I asked her what she got out of it... and she does not know. What was missing in our M and she said nothing... that is what she said....
On the concrete actions, we are using ideas from the goasksuzie website... we went on a picnic date today for example. And we are not taking about A everyday...
My analysis is that she is just hoping I will get past it.... When I told her that I knew for three months... and I kept it to myself because I did not have the facts and I knew she would lie and deny... That is why I worked out so much this summer. I am in great shape now which she can see and she knows I was working out like crazy.... She feels terrible and cannot believe I kept that in... she feels bad I had to carry that. But she admits she would have lied. So I let her go back to her home town to find out what she needed to find out.... This is before I found this forum. And then I got the data and facts I needed to confront her, which I did. She was not in love with this guy or anything. I think she just did it like she was single again and did what she wanted... (my analysis) But she said to me that she was never going to see him again and was ending it.(it is a plane flight)
All comments welcome and helpful to me.
H (me) 52, W 42 M 15 D14, S12 PA June and Sept 2016 Found out Sept, confronted Oct NC with OM since Oct, remorseful Dating since Nov
--I think that she felt like she wore the pants recently in the relationship... Like she decided if she was happy or would hug me or would send me a heart emoji... because I was always sending hearts and nice things... but she was not doing this as much as me... so she was wearing the pants here.
So when she came back and I said I was letting her go..... And over the next few days continued with this message and then let her know that I knew about A... then she realized I had the power... and she did not want me to leave her....
Not so much as a mean person IMO. But as a child IMO.
H (me) 52, W 42 M 15 D14, S12 PA June and Sept 2016 Found out Sept, confronted Oct NC with OM since Oct, remorseful Dating since Nov
To be honest, you've busted your divorce so continuing on sites like any of these marriage-savers might actually be detrimental to the continued rebuilding of your M. In the grand scheme of things in this wicked world we live in today, you came away pretty lucky. Count your blessings on that won. Be the leader your family, and wife, needs. Make sure to water the grass in your life regularly or it'll start to look greener elsewhere. Set boundaries for relationship with your wife and both of you adhere to them.
If you forgive her for this then you have to really forgive her. It can't be brought up again later, it can't be held over her in any way. If she is a good person then she's punishing herself far more than you ever would anyway.
Let me ask, are you a person of faith? If so then take any residual anger, resentment, etc. from all this and surrender it to the big guy. Give the burden to God and he'll scrub it all from your heart. I was never much of a religious guy myself but I did this after my wife's affair. I forgave her and gave the burden of the rage over it to God and fortunately he took it. Today we're more in love than we've ever been. There is no resentment in our household. There are no secrets in our household. I am the leader of my family. Emotional leader, financial leader, and spiritual leader. I will love, honor, and cherish my wife until my last breath.
I think you're heading a good direction in your life journey. Keep it up and count your blessings.
No C yet Not trying to mind read or analyze, my intent is to share something on this forum for input. I do my best to share the facts I know and then interpret the rest. My W has answered a lot of questions... but also seems to not fully know what happened. Or why. Simply detached or not close to me and that I would not find out and she wanted to do it on those five days, and then felt bad hoping I would never find out... I asked her what she got out of it... and she does not know. What was missing in our M and she said nothing... that is what she said....
On the concrete actions, we are using ideas from the goasksuzie website... we went on a picnic date today for example. And we are not taking about A everyday...
My analysis is that she is just hoping I will get past it.... When I told her that I knew for three months... and I kept it to myself because I did not have the facts and I knew she would lie and deny... That is why I worked out so much this summer. I am in great shape now which she can see and she knows I was working out like crazy.... She feels terrible and cannot believe I kept that in... she feels bad I had to carry that. But she admits she would have lied. So I let her go back to her home town to find out what she needed to find out.... This is before I found this forum. And then I got the data and facts I needed to confront her, which I did. She was not in love with this guy or anything. I think she just did it like she was single again and did what she wanted... (my analysis) But she said to me that she was never going to see him again and was ending it.(it is a plane flight)
All comments welcome and helpful to me.
Hello Steady9,
Little compares to the devastation people feel when they discover their spouse has been unfaithful. Couples often struggle to get past intense emotional pain, mistrust, resentment and never ending arguments about the betrayal.
Sweeping everything under the rug and hoping it all gets better isn't the best way to approach this situation. Healing from infidelity is achievable for both of you with the right support and tools.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
