Cherry. He's gone, and divorce is looking

[Coly23]

Hey Cherry, believe me I know the NC thing is hard! Seven weeks and not a peep from H except tonight we have had some text chat about D's prom dress for which he has offered to go halves on,t because she tapped him up for it!

You are doing great Cherry. I think every time you want to contact your H ask yourself what it will achieve especially if he doesn't come back to your text or answer your call straight away, that's what sends me spinning!

As Blu always says, let them go. Your H has some serious sorting out to do and you giving him the space is the kindest thing you can do.

With him coming over to use the computer while you are out. He has chosen not to live there anymore so you really need to start setting out your boundaries with him. Tell him he needs to get his own computer. Also is he still coming over to do laundry?

Good to have a friend who can lift your sprits Cherry.

[PsySara]

You are doing great, NC is really one of the hardest things to do when you are used to chatting and bonding with the person you are married to. What's funny is you become used to it, so when/if piecing comes around you have to remind yourself to "re-activate" that part of your brain. But for now lovingly detaching is the absolute best idea.

[Surfer]

Cherry,

Wow - its amazing how we all go through the exact same. The hard bit I find is detaching vs piecing. Got to be careful with this. My DB Coach sessions made it clear really - you have to do both at the same time. Weird as on here it seems like Detach, then piece. I think the reality is more like 'lovingly detach, be nice and say nice things when you talk - "thank you for that", "I am greatful for that" etc but don't be all over them. BE loving when you see them but detach to the point you are not on the crazy train!

I think piecing (perhaps - not there yet so IDK) is more of a conscious thing. Something you both work towards.

Keep going, don't pick up the phone as much as poss. I guess. Keep on with the GAL things too....

You are doing great.

Surfer.

[JksD]

Cherry,
If he happens to be around when you are around, you could try to engage him a little and make small talk. See what happens.

The thing about detaching while interacting is that it is so dam hard. It's so hard not to get your expectations up and not spin. That's why the advice here tends towards detaching only. Piecing here is the stage when the wws/waw and the lbs have both expressed interest in working on the M.

If you really can detach while attempting to reach out, I say go for it. I honestly feel that there are times when you need to reach out, sort of like the wws' temperature checking.

[JksD]

But you must let go of expectations.

[Cherry]

Thanks guys. I think the silence of NC has helped lower my expectations. I don't really see him coming back from this. Which I guess , that protects me a little from building expectations. I haven't seen or heard from him in like a week. But when I did see him I was cheery and friendly. Meanwhile I'm just focussing on me and getting me good and friendly. I make sure when I see people, I'm upbeat, I chat to people, hold my head up. I've had numerous reports from people that he appears very distressed/not himself, standards of work slipping (very unlike him, he is extremely professional). I don't badmouth him, I don't wish for him to fail in things, I really don't. This may be chaos that he brought on, but he's clearly a distressed individual. And I do still love him, that I know. But I have had to let him go, and lovingly leave him to it.

[Surfer]

Stop worrying about him. He's doing plenty of thinking of himself. You don't need to do that now. It want stop you thinking of him per se but don't worry about him.

Surfer.

[JksD]

Cherry, I hope that when you write about your H here, you're journaling and not brooding. You may think about your H; it's hard not to.

It's part of grieving.

But you know you have to stop yourself when you can't function because you're too obsessed with H.

[PsySara]

One thing I do when I start to ruminate is Three Things. I find something I can see, something I feel (wind on my face) something I hear. It refocuses me on the here and now and makes me step away from negative ruminations.

[Cherry]

Oh yeah grl, don't worry about that. It is just journaling. I'm a fully functioning individual! I've started doing more, socialising more, filling my diary. It is just more the passing twang. I'm doing a lot better than I have been. I resist the urge (if it comes by) to message him. It was only people saying things to me about him at work that got me. I wasn't obsessing, it just made me kind of see that yes I do miss him, but I'm on my own now, I don't think he is coming back, but I don't wish anything bad on him. I like to think that although I'm getting my head around the notion that he is gone, I need him to be of the right mind for the kids, which he isn't. I also think people wanted a bit of gossip or wanted to hear me badmouth him- but they won't get that, I've more class than to run around playing woman scourned, nah ah, no can do.

Sara, that's a good idea, when I had a series of panic attacks a few years ago I was told to do a similar technique.