A review of finding out about A and telling W

[sandi2]

I wasn't suggesting you not discuss things. I just think a professional guiding the discussions would be much better than leaving it to yourselves.

[Steady9]

Ok--thank you for the clarification sandi.

It was helpful to think I need to be mindful on how I approach my W on the discussion so that it does not lead to resentment, etc.

I think my W's eyes were opened by me sharing that I would let her go and later saying that when a person has an A it could easily lead to a divorce.... I think when she internalized that a divorce was a real out come of the A, it opened her eyes and then she thought about her "destructive behavior" (her words).

She said there was no plan.... for the A... and she just thought about the moment versus the future... and just hoped I never would find out...

She is thinking about the hurt it caused everyday she says and I would say her actions reflect it. (we are not talking about it every day... maybe every third day...)

I am working on understanding human behavior, being empathetic, not being arrogant because I have faults too.... In general today, I just have to get passed the "sex act" I think... The lying is bad.... but by having sex, you cross the finish line so toe speak, no chance to stop... But what I have learned from this forum.... is at least she came back home and is working on rebuilding process. So I remind myself that, at least she is here and we can talk and move forward. It would have been worse if she left forever.

[Steady9]

My W went for walk with a neighbor, girlfriend today, and told her that she has been behaving poorly.. and that her and I were hitting the reset button on our relationship. Our neighbors had noticed that my W and I are were more close, holding hands or kissing or something during halloween get together. My W took the weight of the drop off in our relationship during this conversation with neighbor.

Is it unusual that a WW--would tell friend about "behaving poorly"??? seems interesting to me... also I would say would it is more light hearted versus being stressed. I know my W had been stressed out about the A.... but it seems like she is also trying to talk about it in a way to move forward.

[Vapo]

Do not get into overanalysing everything, that can lead into analysis paralysis. Not everything can or should be dissected.

Did you decide on an MC?

[sandi2]

Can you give some marital history? What has your W been like, during the M?

[Steady9]

My W has been supportive and nice for most of our 15 years. I was recently divorced with two young kids when we met, 17 years ago. She helped me with my other two kids and supported me as I got used to seeing them less over the years. My job has me moved us around, and she has been supportive in the moving to different states. She has a BS degree and we met at work but since then ( she was 28 or so) has not worked and been a stay at home mom raising our two kids who are now 14 and 12. She has been great. She has pride in the way our house and cars look. She even takes care of the lawn and pool.
We never yell at each other. But i have been disrespectful more than I realized. I have said, "idiots" under my breath or in another room, and my W had heard me....I think these types of things got in the way and we were not mature enough to talk about it over the past year and it just wore on her. We or I always felt we had the best marriage of the people we know....We are friendly, fun, have sex regularly.... but the past year has been off...Although I was late noticing it.

About a year or maybe even longer, I can now see that we were not as close. She might say small disrespectful things and also I learned recently that she was unhappy with the way I was supporting my son. We still were having sex on a regular basis. I have learned some over the recent talks we have had. Even today we read through "Rebuilding your marriage after infidelity 101" on the goasksuzie website together. And talked about how we can discuss and take action on these ideas. She is very willing to do and just happy I am giving her a second chance. Today she said, "I am asking you to help me or support me during this time and I know I did a very bad thing..." but hoping that all the years of supporting me would be enough for me to give her this second chance. And by talking I could see there were some behaviors on my side that caused her to drift away, although she says she never stopped loving me ... even over the past few months....

[Steady9]

I have always described my W and I think she would as well as tough, strong, and not dramatic. She keeps things inside to some extent but also not afraid to speak her mine. I have always said she is more mature than me... but recently I would say that is not the case. She is still a little girl at times. She shows love by servicing.... She has always bought me more clothes than I can wear. She enjoys the new dog we have, unconditional love I think it was that means. In our marriage, we have had a few times where we spoke very little for 1-2 days. This is what my W would do when she was upset with me. Looking back, she might not show her feelings very well. She is not a talker. In our old house, we finished a basement together. She likes the fact that I can be a white collar worker.... but also fix the house and the cars.

I am surprised how hard it is for me to answer this question Sandi.... I never thought we had any real issues in our M..... I thought we were fine. And now today, she looks at me like she used too.... and not it feels like we split up for 6 months (although I did not know it,...) and now she is back to normal, like 10 years ago normal.

[sandi2]

Well, she doesn't seem to fit the usual WW patern.......that I have seen. For one thing, a W becomes wayward b/c disrespect and resentment has continued to grow in her heart, eventually coming out in some form of rebellion. Therefore, a lot of work is required for her to get back to the woman you once knew.

At this point, I don't recall her reason/excuse to be unfaithful. I don't know of anyone who "plans" on having an affair, and most will say things like, "It just happened. I didn't mean for it, but it did". I could even understand if she was terribly sad/unhappy. But if she was, she must have been covering, or you are one blind dude! What I am trying to say is that these puzzle pieces don't seem to naturally fit together. I get the sense you may be forcing them a little.

I know you have talked, read, etc., but what has truly been accomplished to get you where you are now? Has any layers of disrespect and resentment been resolved? I don't know what additional issues she may have had about you/MR, but I have serious doubts she could switch in ten days, into this happy W you say you are seeing. It just doesn't happen (genuinely) that way with a wayward.

So..........are you seeing what you want to see? Is there something you are holding back?

Who would you say wore the pants in your MR? Who was more the caretaker of the MR? Were you more dominate, or your W? Would you fregrently catch your W in lies? Was it important to her that other people saw you as the perfect couple? Who was the sensitive spouse? When she talked, did you really "hear" what she was saying? When you had disagreements, what were usually the main topics?

Can you tell us anything about her childhood, as far as something that could have an impact on her later? Any life altering experiences, like being assaulted, raped, losing a close loved one in death, being abandoned, or anything you remember anyone saying about her younger years?

I don't mean to throw you with these questions. I'm just trying to figure something out.
Besides saying disrespectful things "under your breath", were there other things that you know contributed to the breakdown in the MR?

[Steady9]

sandi--she has a hard time coming up with words... but she said she was detached from me.... I asked her if she thought I knew that... and she said no, she keeps things to herself. She hugged me less. She became detached from me as a slow process over the past year or so. I talked about changing jobs, she was not seeing her family enough, I was happy at work and then not happy at work, etc..... I suggested to her that I was stupid for not seeing it... and she let me off the hook by saying she kept it inside.

She said that she had made up her own mind during her recent trip back home. She was going to get closer to me when she got back, and I just sped things along by letter her know I knew about A and I was ready to let her go.

I feel as though some of the other reasons were, she did not think anyone would know, she felt valued by helping this guy by listening to him complain about his situation and she was bored.... These are my words.

Today she seems to realize that she owns those feelings that led to detachment and she should have spoke up. That is part of the letter she sent to me. My W historically keeps things to herself and tries to work them out. She is immature that she does not want to appear weak.... so she does some immature behaviors to appear tough, like keep things inside. She appears to be maturing on this front over the past weeks.

[Steady9]

Oh on the other questions
I wear the pants
She is the caretaker
No one is dominate
Never knew her to be a liar until now
we do not care what others think....
hmmm I think I am more the sensitive one... but recently I see she is as sensitive and just kept it to herself... I have realized I did not know her as well as I thought, but she was hiding some parts.
No bad childhood issues. Her parents were poor when she was younger...