I've been reading as much as possible on this board for the last couple of days as I am struggling so much with my situation. I ordered the DR book and am currently waiting for it to arrive. I apologize if this post is a long one but I'm looking for feedback and honestly hope. I'll run you down my situation
My wife and I have been together for 16 years. We are high school sweethearts and have never had a break, honestly I don't even remember a single fight in all those years. My wife is very conflict avoidant where I grew up in a house that yelling was part of the everyday proces . Fights were expected in my house. I have always been conscious of that with my wife and in 16 years have never once yelled at my wife or lost my temper. Have I raised my voice yes but was always quick to apologize when I realized it.
She has been my best friend and partner for 16 years. I always tried to be the perfect husband and give her whatever she needee/wanted without question. However I'm not without flaws. One thing that was raised into me was lying was a normal course in my house and childhood. I know own it isn't right or make it acceptable but it's my demon. I have lied to my wife over the years. Mostly lies were about simple things to avoid the silent treatment from my wife. Why I did something stupid, why I said that to someone, etc. I never strayed and have been faithful for 16 years.
Earlier this year I noticed a change in my wife. She began hiding things, on her phone all the time and put a pin on her phone. We have never kept a secrets from each other like this. Very much an open book. I didn't really question it because I didn't want to push. Then the uneasy feelings set in that something was going on.
Early August it came to a head and I began to check her phone logs. The same number kept coming up all the time, early mornings, late at night, when we were at our friends house, wven out for dinner as a family with our daughter. The number was that of a male coworker of hers thar i never trusted. The type of guy that preys in women that show any weakness and esteem issues. I call them predators. I confronted her about it.
This is when the first bomb dropped. That she gave me the ilybnilwy and said she hadn't been happy for a while and thought that maybe we should seperate. That she felt I took her for granted and didn't think I cared about her. That my lying hurt her. She denied any type of affair at all and even said that he advised her to stay with me because he is also married and told her to work on it.
I took it all. Took all the blame and agreed that I took her for granted and that my lying did hurt her. I told her that day I would change. That day was a new beginning for me and it truly has become a new beginning. Since that day I have not uttered a lie to her or anyone else for that matter. I wanted to stop and this gave me the motive to. I fought the seperate part and told her that we owed it to our daughter and each other to try to make things better. She agreed and while the month wasn't normal by any means I was making every effort I could. I took her out and we did things that she liked. I'm not a beach person we went to the beach as a family a bunch of times, etc. She even admitted she noticed changes.
But she still was very secretive. We took a nice family vacation at the end of August into labour day weekend that went great and came home on the Sunday. She said she wanted to go to the gym that afternoon I told her no problem and off she went. My daughter and I went grocery shopping and swung by the gym after to find my wife's car because something good still didn't feel right. The car wasn't there.
When she got home my daughter confronted her and she swore that her car was there but she could tell I knew she was lying. 10 minutes later she called me upstairs to tell me she wasn't at the gym but she met up with him to talk.
That night we talked and she admitted to a PA with him. That they had slept together 3 times at his house when his wife and kids weren't there. I remained calm, even told her that I forgive her but gave her the ultimatum. Me or him. No contact outaide of professionalism at work. I told her i wouldnt tell his wife at that time but there was to be no contact. She chose me and the next 14 days were good. She was loving but walking on egg shells. She could tell I was hurt. Then she changed again. The passwords were back up and I felt like I was keeping a prisoner. I asked her to get an std test and to go to counselling with me. She agreed to it but never did either.
I finally broke into her phone bill account and found out that she began texting him again. I lost it. I called her at work told her I knew she was texting him again and that I was telling his wife right then and there which I did.
She came home right then and dropped the we need to seperate. That she isn't happy and needs to work on herself and she can't give me what I need right now. She was going to move out that weekend but I told her not to. I moved into the spare bedroom and the house got very cold. I tried to give her space while living together but I just couldn't. I pursued her, constantly questioned our relationship, kept telling her I love her and asking if she loved me. Basically everything the 180 says not to do, I did.
A couple weeks later she stopped wearing her wedding rings. It hurt me so bad and I said something. She told me that she found herself staring at them at work and crying because of all the pain and hurt we were going through at home.
Then on Oct 5th I found a note while snooping in her jewelry box. It was a note she wrote to him but obviously never gave to him. It said that she understands that he chose his family but wanted him to know that she doesn't regret anything, that he made her feel what love is like and she hopes they can still be friends like before.
I got so upset when she came home I confronted her about it, again no raising my voice, soft and calm and told her that I was going to a friend's for the night. That i have done everything i can think of and this is how she still treats me. She offered to leave but I said that I would instead for the night.
The next day she sent me a long text saying that she didn't know if we had a marriage to save, that she though I didn't care so she turned off her emotions to me and did this. That our marriage she felt was filled with lies from me for 16 years and she had only been lying for 5 months. That she would always regret what she did but she doesn't think she can make me happy anymore.
I called her immediately after receiving the text to discuss it. Said that our marriage wasn't based on lies and that we had a good marriage. She asked me about different woman over the years that i worked with and whether i had an affair with them. It felt like she was hoping i did to make herself feel better. I told her That she is skewing things and that I love her so we can save it but only if she wants to. She couldn't say that she wanted to save it so I told her that she needs to move out.
I rushed home in my last ditch effort to keep her there but the decision was made. She was moving out the next day and into a family members house. That conversation however I finally got her to tell me what I believe is the truth about the affair as the unknown was eating away at me. That it was many more than 3 times. That it was here in our house, in his house multiple times, in a hotel, in his car after work etc. That it started in May this year. She did also acknowledge that she now hated him. She realized that he lied to her to get what he wanted that he was never going to leave his wife and she took advantage of him
She moved out the next day to a family members house. We texted the next day and she said it was the hardest thing she had ever done. That she wished it didn't get to this point but it is there now. I told her it didn't have to be and she could come home. She said that it is there now and she needs to do this to figure out who she is because she can't even stand to look at herself now and she needs her space to figure it out. I asked if she wanted me to try and move on or stick around and wait and she said she thought I need to try and move on.
I went silent the next week until one night she called me crying saying her cell phone wasn't frozen and not working. I rushed over and fixed it right away. She could tell I was mad and even said sorry for calling me. I walked out without saying anything. I texted her later to ask if it was working, she replied yes and sorry again. I again sent her a big long text that I can't let her struggle, she knows it and so do I. That she was willing to keep the affair going even after I confronted her and she saw how much it hurt me. That she was being selfish and it was gross but that I love her too much to give up on her. She texted that she agreed that it was disguising and that is why she is taking the time to figure out how she became a person she hated. Later that week she was over one morning to take our daughter to school and she told me that she had got her own place that she was moving into that weekend. I told her i wished she hadn't and that when we get back together that would be a lease we would need to break. She said she was uncomfortable at her uncles and needed her own place.
The next week I went silent again but asked her if I could take my daughter out for breakfast on Saturday. She said yes. On that Friday night I asked if she wanted to come for breakfast too and she said that would be nice. We went to breakfast as a family and really only talked about her work and my work. On the way back to her house she offered to make eye appointments for us as a family and I said no I could make my own, she kept pressing saying that she had no problem doing it and we can still do that as a family. I told her i didn't know how to do that and that I missed her. She responded that she missed me too. When I dropped her and the D off we chatted for a minute, I fixed one of her windows at her place. She then asked if she could come over to my place the next day to use the washer and dryer because it's not working in her building. I said sure, that I would be working but I'll make sure there is some food and wine for her. Then we standing at the door talking I asked if I could kiss her goodbye, she didn't say anything which is her no (conflict avoidant)
The next day she came to my place and said she would put the D to bed there, and thanked me for opening the wine for her. She made dinner and put leftovers in the fridge for me. When I got home from work she just got done putting the D to bed and stood there for a minute awkwardly. I asked her what's up and she didn't say anything. I walked her to the door and she began to cry for a moment. I asked her what is wrong and she said that it was hard being on the house, lots of memories. I told her that they were good memories and she didn't say anything. I told her that I wished she would just come home, that I'm not sure if I forgive her but I want to and that I wish she could forgive herself and commit to working on us. She said that she wishes it were that easy. I told her that I love her and asked if she loved me to which she replied "yes and no". I think that was my wakeup call. That was the straw that broke the camels back for me.
It has been 8 days of NC with the exception of Saturday morning when I picked up my daughter for breakfast. She told me the battery in her car had died and everything inside me wanted to fix it for her but instead I did nothing. She asked about my grandmother who is currently in the hospital and I was vague. When I dropped my daughter back off I asked if she got the battery fixed and she said no but her cousin was coming over to take her to the auto store to get one. Again I left with no offer of help, no I love you or anything. Just a goodbye.
Another 2 days of NC right now but I will see her tonight with my daughter for Halloween.
Im currently on the fake it till you make it. I want nothing more to reach out and tell her I love her. That I actually do forgive her and want her back. That I'm miserable without her. But I am commited to the 180 right now.
I don't know if she is a WW or a WAW, i dont think it matters but I know I'm and LBS and I hate it. I can't currently see my future and I struggle day in and day out. I put a happy face on for my daughter but I feel so empty right now.
I've been reading this forum as much as I can the last couple days as I came over from another forum that felt like it was filled with spiteful men who just wanted me to file for the D and move on without her. Right now that is the last thing I want.
I know I have to GAL and I'm struggling to figure out how . Luckily we are busy at work right now so I've been working 60+ hours a week so that keeps me out of my house. When I am home I still just sleep on the couch as I can't bring myself to sleep in the bed without my wife.
I'm looking for any feedback, advice, criticism or anything people are willing to give and share. I'm fully aware this is mostly out of my hands right now but any help is so appreciated.
Oh some added info I have been going to a counsellor myself and have been Journaling. I'm not sure how much either are helping currently but I'm doing anything I can to improve my current situation. I need to get off this Rollercoaster I am on before it kills me.
I will stick to this thread for 100 posts to update people on my progress
Thanks in advance. Looking forward to the copy of the book finally getting her Wednesday.
M:33 W:31 T:16 M:8 D:6 BD1: Aug 2 16 BD2: Sept 4 16 EA/PA confirmed W Moved out: Oct 7 16 Currently seperated- her choice
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
You came to the best place I know of. Take a look at Cadet's links above and pour yourself into them. If you are having trouble GAL right now (which is normal), getting into reading and learning will help fill the time.
Just wanted to be clear on something. You are still living in the marital home and your D is with you?? Just wanted to make sure we understood.
I actually think you are doing pretty well. Obviously your W is going through something major right now and the best possible thing to do would to let her see what life is like without you.
You mention that lying was a big issue in your M. What type of lies are we talking about..you said you have been faithful, right?
Also, you guys look pretty young to be together for so long. Did your W have any serious R prior to you?
Anyway, you are in the right place. Get reading on those links and get the book. It's never too early to start working on making a more attractive you (sounds like you already started). Let's cool it with the ILY's for now. Sounds like you already recognized that fixing everything for her doesn't help. That's great!
The other thing I would say for now is when you do have to interact with her stop taking the temperature of the R. It's probably the last thing she wants to discuss right now and certainly not with you.
Anyway, you're in for a journey. But you can handle this.
Strength and Honor.
Mules
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
Yes I am still living in the marital home and have my daughter 50% of the time.
We have only ever been with each other in a serious relationship. Up until this affair I was the only one who had been with her sexually and vice versa
My lies were stupid and irresponsible like did you ask so and so about doing this, or did you get the flight booked yet, etc. Stupid lies to cover up my procrastination.
Yes I have been faithful through the entire dating and marriage.
M:33 W:31 T:16 M:8 D:6 BD1: Aug 2 16 BD2: Sept 4 16 EA/PA confirmed W Moved out: Oct 7 16 Currently seperated- her choice
You are so smart to recognize that fixing things for her isn't going to bring the two of you together. Focus all of your time, effort and energy into being the best Wes25 and Dad. Healing from infidelity is a long process for both of you.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Wes - I just read your sitch, as with many on here it is all to familiar. I could have written it about 6 months ago. Your roller coaster is just getting started. Let me tell you one thing (I am no veteran) but the best thing I could do was to detach. I was told this by many here on the boards. It is so difficult to do. But it does two things it shows her that you are moving on with or without her (your not playing a game it has to be for real) and it sets you up for your future you. Things are different now, and they always will be, whether you reconcile or this is the end, detaching and 180's will help you find yourself and not your dependent self. Reading your sitch sounds to me like your a pleaser...quit it. Get your Ball$ back. This will take some time and some serious self reflection. You have to realize that she is not losing sleep over this. Don't play the victim, man up and move on. She will either come back because you two truly have a rubber band around your waists or the band will snap. You need time to do "you". Let her be her, it is how healthy relationships work. If she wants to do the "we" thing again she will. You have no control over her.... be as patient as you can. Be kind, take the high road but take no $h1t! A WW/WAW will abuse you to the nth, so NC for a while is a good thing. Don't help her with anything, she made some big girl decisions that put you two in this situation so she can make some big girl decisions on how to fix her phone, car or whatever else breaks from here on out.
M 21 years XW 43yo, me 41 yo S13 BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient... End of June - I started the D process. D final 2/23/17 "He who forgets will be destined to remember" Eddie Vedder
