Maybe She Isn't Evil

[RDS]

I had a dream about my W and I last night. She is 5'2" and I'm 6'. We were dancing and I kissed the top of her head and I looked at her deeply and I said, "ILY". She looked at me with scorn, slapped me, told me to NEVER say that to her again, and stormed off the dance floor never to be seen again. I chased after her but once off the dance floor there was nothing but empty space.

It's just a dream and probably has no meaning, but that was one dream I didn't want to go back to sleep and get back into it.

I kept thinking of that dream all day.

[RDS]

I got an offer on the house today. The house was on the market for 10 days so for an offer to come in so quickly is really good; especially when you consider Hurricane Matthew put a stop on everything for nearly a week. It’s a very good proposal and I discussed it with my W and we are going to sign the contract to sell the house. It’s extremely bittersweet. We built this house as our dream house and for the first 9 years it was perfect for us, but the last 5 years it wasn’t a pleasant place to live. Now it has so many bad memories for my W she doesn’t want to step foot in the house.

I don’t know if it’s ironic or just coincidence, but the couple who put in the offer are from the same small South Georgia town where my W and I first moved in together and later married in. The buyer is in the Air Force so he was stationed the same place I was. It was only 30+ years difference.

Our love back then for each other seemed to be bullet-proof. I really wish I could turn back time and be the person I am now because our marriage would still be bullet-proof.

I did annoy my W today because I told her we would have to put the money for the house sale into the bank and let it sit until we go to mediation to determine the split. She said there was no need to mediate the money because we should split the money 50/50. I told her I am not going to split it directly in half because when she moved out I continued paying the mortgage and I expect to get the difference in equity I’ve put in the house. I could tell she didn’t like that reasoning at all. Although I want to get back together in the worst way I have to keep reminding myself I can’t be the nice guy in this and ultimately screw myself.

She will be coming by the house tomorrow after I finish with one of my meetup groups to price our stuff we are going to be selling in the community yard sale for this Saturday. The neighborhood yard sale was supposed to be last Saturday but the hurricane prevented that from happening. I’m not sure how I feel about her coming by tomorrow night for a couple of hours. I thought I would be a happy about it but I know I will have a lot of sadness when she leaves the house. I always do. She will spend a few extra hours Saturday at the house while the yard sale is going on. I am curious to see how we interact towards each other for that long of a time. We shall see.

[RDS]

Just putting words to “paper” today.

Yesterday was a fun day with the W. My subdivision had a neighborhood-wide yard sale. After living in this house for 14+ years and being married for over 32 years we have accumulated a lot of stuff. Since we are selling the house and I am forced to downsize so having the yard sale was a good way to get rid of the excess stuff. She was supposed to meet me at our house at 0430, but she overslept. She accidently turned off her alarm instead of hitting the snooze button. She wasn’t used to sleeping that late because I took her(our) dog for the night so my W wouldn’t’ have to worry about taking care of the dog so early in the morning.

My DB coach had me make a type of graph where I listed situations between my W and I. One column has a situation that would cause a reaction from me, the next column had the way I used to act in the situation, the third column was how I instead reacted, and the last column was how she received my actions. Before I would have been annoyed (to put it very mildly), but yesterday I didn’t think much about it at all. Her old reaction would have been to lash out or remain silent if I mentioned her tardiness. This time she apologized.

This is the second or third time my W has been late for meetings with me and each time I wasn’t bothered by it at all. I’m a time-conscious guy. I hate being late for anything. I don’t think my W is testing me and everything she has been late for was not important, but it is a step forward for me. The few times where we had to be somewhere on time she has been there. She did apologize profusely. I kept telling her I wasn’t worried about it and the important thing is we were still early enough to get our stuff outside. She also told me she wanted to wake up earlier because she wanted to make a couple of my favorite things like her potato salad and chicken salad. I joked with her to turn around and go back to her place and make the stuff for me as that was more important than selling our old stuff. She had a good laugh about that.

I live in a town that has a large flea market that is open on the weekends. There are flea-market people who scour media to find where large yard sales are and they attack them. The yard sale was supposed to start at 0700, but my W and I knew those people would be out in force before then. We were still pulling stuff out of the garage when they started showing up at 630. We had 4 groups of people with large trucks going over our stuff and we were wheeling and dealing. By 0730 most of what we were selling was gone. Our neighbors were barely getting their stuff out of the house so they missed the professional scavengers. The next couple of hours were people who were picking up an item or two. Towards the end we were practically giving the stuff away.

We accomplished our main goal of getting rid of stuff and we made some nice money.

During the 6 hours we were together we had lots of fun. She made me my favorite breakfast and made me coffee multiple times during the morning. She kept telling me how appreciative she was for what I was doing. I told her we were both doing this as a team effort. The one thing that make me a little sad is the money we made I could use to pay the our car insurance, but since we have to split the money 50/50 (even though the big majority was my stuff sold) I still have to come up with more money to pay the bill. I tell myself it's money I didn't have before so I have to be thankful for that.

A couple of times she did call me sweetie which she hasn’t done in a long time. I don’t know if it was intentional or what. I didn’t comment on it. I just took it as she felt comfortable enough to say that to me. She was never one to say things like “darling/honey/baby, etc.” I still call her terms of endearment all the time, sometimes I don't notice it and other times I do. She has never told me to stop. Before she left she gave me a big hug and told me I still smell nice. I’ve been putting cologne spray on me after each shower. She always liked it but I was never into putting it on me. I’m kind of starting to like it.

She is supposed to be coming by again today to pick up a couple of things we didn’t sell that she still wants to keep. She will be bringing her BFF so I don’t expect her to stay too long.

[DonH]

I just happened upon your threads and since I'm having a lazy day here (after a busy several weeks) read through much of it. I'm rather surprised that no one else has responded here recently and that you've not posted an update in over a week. I could always be wrong but if you are portraying things with your waw accurately here I think you have a real shot at R. I really do! Now don't get all excited and blow it. You have to keep doing more of the same as you've clearly found something that is working in your actions. You guys are talking for hours, she is giving you little gifts, referring to you as Sweetie, telling you how good you smell whiling giving you meaningful hugs - how many posts here have these things in them? This is not a woman who has given up - it's just not. As she told your neighbor, she is just cautious. She wants to be sure the new you is for real. You can't backslide here. You also can't push and thereby spook her. You have to let this continue to evolve on its own. If it continues and so long as an OM doesn't come along and screw it up, I really think you have a shot. I strongly believe she will use all,or most if the mandated year in your state. She has nothing to lose. She will continue to watch, wait and see. As the year comes up I really think if you are where you are right now, she will give you a second chance.

It's just my gut take on it all. Who knows if I'm right or not, but I really see positives here. Keep doing what you are doing!

[RDS]

DonH,

Thanks for replying and for the words of encouragement. Of course I'm hoping to get back with my W, but I'm getting along far enough to see if we never get back together I *think* I will be okay. I'm definitely in a much better place than I was the first three months after BD day. Back then, like most here, I was in a deep funk trying to figure out what I was going to do from one moment to the next.

A couple of weeks ago I was following your thread. I had lost track because I forgot your thread wasn't in the newcomer's thread. I found your thread incredibly interesting concerning your life after 10 years post-divorce. You're tale is one that concerns me as far as finding the next "someone". I don't need to share my life with someone as I'm happy being by myself, but I won't kid myself saying my life wouldn't be enriched by sharing my life with someone special.

I know it will take some time to find that someone special because I know every woman I meet will be compared to my W. Currently my W brings a lot to the table, even with her faults, so it's a high bar the woman would have to clear. But that's for another time in the future.

[RDS]

Nothing much to report with me but then again, there is lots to report.

The contract to get my house sold is signed and the repairs to be made have been agreed upon. The repairs are minor except for some minor wind damage. I hired a roofing company to fix the roof which they have already done. The other repairs I can do myself. The closing date of 14 November looks like it’s still going to be the date. Every day that passes is one less day I feel attached to this house. I’m not going to lie and say I don’t have some sadness, because there are times when it does hit me, but I’m really looking at the positives of moving out of the house.

I’ve already found an apartment to live in. I am really happy about the place I found. It’s in a great location, it’s closer to where I work, and the traffic to get there will save me about 30 minutes of commute time in the morning. The amenities the complex has are exactly what I’m looking for too. Best of all, my apartment is on the corner of the building and I don’t have anyone living above me so I have vaulted ceilings and a real wood fireplace. Winters are really mild here so I don’t need to have a fireplace but one of my favorite things to do is sit by a fire with an open beer listening to some great music. That’s one of the things I was going to miss when I moved out of my house.

As has been the last couple of months the conversations with my W are still friendly and non-threatening. There is still no talk of R. One step at a time is my continuing motto.

I did ask my W if she wanted to go to a ghost tour downtown or to the fair. She was surprised I asked her because we rarely did anything alone together the last years of our marriage. When we did go out it was usually with other people. She said she would prefer going to the fair and I can tell she seems happy about it. It’s been about 15 years since we went to the fair together and we used to try to ride all the rides but this time we are just going to walk around and eat all the bad (but delicious) fair food. We are going next week and I'm looking forward to it. I guess that is a kind of an 180 because as I got older I avoided the fair like the plague. The traffic is horrendous and for the 10 days it made my commute a nightmare because where I live the two main routes where most of the fair traffic comes is the same route I use to get home from work. I'm not going to let it bother me this year.

[RDS]

This morning I was getting rid of a lot of stuff today to take to the county recycling center later this week. I can’t believe how many wine glasses, cocktail tumblers, and shot glasses we had (among other things). I guess when you have as much storage space as we did it and the amount of entertainment we used to do there was bound to be a glut of stuff like that. I am disposing about 95% of the glass things and keeping the bare minimum.

After a few hours of cleaning out my kitchen cabinets and some items in the attic, I decided I needed to go for a quick run. I have not done any running since I sold my treadmill. I was one of the few people on the planet who enjoyed running on a treadmill. I didn’t think it was boring. Sadly, I’ve been gaining weight the last couple of months and I’m beginning to get disgusted by what I’m becoming.

Anyway, as I was leaving I noticed my W had come by and dropped off another care package for me. It was by the front door. I had been going in and out of the house through the garage so I didn’t notice the package until I went for my run. I immediately called my W to thank her for the items. I am touched when she does these things for me. When we were together she did these things for me all the time and I rarely acknowledged it because it was something she did and I had become accustomed to it, and in later years I was angry at her (and the world) to let her know I appreciated what she did for me. I am no longer taking what she does for me for granted.

I asked her when she dropped the stuff off. She replied she did it at 4 AM this morning. She is an early riser, even on weekends, but even for her 4 AM is early. I asked why she did it so early in the morning and she said her(our) dog woke her up and she couldn’t go back to sleep because she has so much on her mind lately. She said she hasn’t been able to think straight the last couple of weeks. I didn’t press her but I asked her if her problems were with her job or her family/friends. She said it wasn’t her job or her friends. She said there was so much stuff going through her mind. It was almost as if she was probing me to go deeper into her thoughts. I didn’t press more because I didn’t want her emotional door to shut, but the inside of me wanted to keep digging to see what it was. In my mind, I must think she is thinking about us and our future and maybe she is getting conflicted. From what I’ve read and what my DB coach has said this would happen. I should ride out the string of emotions she might come up with and validate and much as possible if she lashes out.

I get the feeling she is not as happy with my new place I’m moving to as I am because I’m moving further away from her. She did comment she wouldn’t be able to drop off care packages like she has been doing, but in the same breath she did say she is going to help me move to make it easier on me.

I don’t understand this woman. Why is she being so caring towards me? I keep thinking to myself if the shoe was on the other foot would I want to be as nice and accommodating as she is towards me? I run it through my mind if I left her and told her ILYBNILWY I would probably want to run and stay away as much as possible. I am so afraid I am being played by her.

One good thing about our conversation is I walked over 5 miles through the neighborhood while talking to her. I planned to run 2 miles but when I called her I just walked my route. My legs are lead right now. It proves to me how bad out of shape I’ve become. I used to run the 5 miles easily and now just walking as worn me out. I did tell her our conversation was better than listening to music. She thought that was funny.

[RDS]

Had a "date" with my W last night. We went to the fair. We had a blast. We ate some junk food and walked around looking at the exhibits and people watched. I had her laughing and she had me laughing. We didn't hold hands or anything like that. Of course, no ILY between us.

Still no talk of R. I have got to let her bring it up. I try to stop myself from asking why did I let my M get so bad? Because the woman I was with last night was the woman that hadn't really changed all that much and was the one I loved for years but I stopped seeing it.

We hugged each other when we got to the house. She then left to go to her place. She texted me about an hour later thanking me for taking her to the fair and said she had fun.

[Stormchaser]

I dunno, dude. I think she is wanting you to make a move.

I get the GAL procedure, but in this case maybe she is wondering where YOU stand. Not sure why you have to let her bring it up, she may want reconciliation as much as you do but SHE may be afraid to bring it up?

[RDS]

I will post later, but the last couple of days after the awesome fair "date" have not been good at all. I almost feel like I'm back to square 1. I haven't been this despondent since the temporary spousal support court appearance.

I've made a few mistakes but I think the mistakes I made were unavoidable. I have to get my mind wrapped around what I have to do going forward.

I did lose track of my DB practices. I will say that.