Thanks uRworthy! Excuses is exactly what I am doing. I need to focus on what brought the positive changes in the first place. We talked when she got home the other night. I realize a lot of this stress. Paramedic school that she is doing is extremely stressful and its about to get worse. I did tell her that I need to find an outlet to vent my frustrations about it to other than her because what happens is that it comes across that I am mad at her personally, not the situation. I know she isn't doing any of this to make me "mad" and I need to recognize that. Like Cnut said, I definitely feel like I am being co-dependent lately. That's not healthy at all! Last night I made it a point to go out with neighbors to a haunted house. Just me. W and son didn't go. We had a blast! I am so glad I went. On another note we had a MC session yesterday. Good timing. It definitely got rocky in there. I think some of the stress hit a boiling point. I told her and MC that I have really been thinking about moving out because I think it may be best for us. She got defensive quickly. She said, "you remember what I said next time you threatened that? I was going to tell you to go" I sad I am not threating anything, that its something that I am seriously thinking about. She got really upset and yelled, "do that and I'll take half of everything you own" So she threatens me after she thinks I was making a threat. Once the yelling from both of us stopped we were able to dig deep into some of the real problems. We discussed some important factors. Especially the stress of her being in school right now. In the end we were able to come back together and she said that she wants to be with me. Said that she knows these last couple of weeks aren't permanent and if she thought things couldn't change she would have left already. I am trying to be very patient. I really am. I need to focus on me right now and let it play out. I started to get caught up in the little details again and I forgot that thins were actually good for a while.
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
In the end we were able to come back together and she said that she wants to be with me. Said that she knows these last couple of weeks aren't permanent and if she thought things couldn't change she would have left already. I am trying to be very patient. I really am.
From all your recent comments, this is what I think you need to remember.Your W is going nowhere any time soon. Relax, take the pressure off and then do what you need to be doing. You can do this. Dig deep for that patience
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
So nothing really new to report over the last few days since Friday. W has been very distant with me, but I don't think it's about me or R. She really has a lot going on. I've been getting more one word texts and she has been really quiet. Yesterday when I got back from work I could tell she was stressed out. I just told her I'm here to listen if you she needed to talk about anything. Later in the evening we went to neighbors and she was very distant and quiet with them as well. Even one of neighbors pointed out what I seem to notice as well and said it looked like she had been crying all day. I ended up sending her the following text: cbtdad: W just answer me this please. School? Work? Horse? Me? All of the Above? I'm just worried about you
W: All of the above. When I need you to worry I'll tell you W: Don't stress
I didn't respond to that as I just wanted to see what was going on I know she has a ton on her plate and it's actually about to get busier. One thing I know is that I can't control her stress level or happiness. I can only try and do my best to not add any stress to her plate. I started reading "co-dependent no more" yesterday. I really like the book so far
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
I am going to ask you a question, please don't take it defensively.
Did you send that text because you were worried about her, or because you were worried about you?
Telling her you are there to listen if she needed to talk was great. Shows you were being considerate of her, and your were opening the door if she wanted to share.
But when you pressed with that text, it was not giving much space. I get it, that feeling worrying if you are the cause for distance can be super uncomfortable. But she really isn't in a place to feel more pressure.
Now be the lighthouse. Let her have her space and she knows the door is open when she's ready to discuss it.
Ginger I think it was a lot of worry about her and little worried about me The way she was acting yesterday had me really worried for her. My W suffers from anxiety. I hadn't seen her like that in a long time. I would be lying if I didn't say I wasn't a little concerned that it had something to do with "us", but it definitely was mostly concern for her and her well being I always welcome your input because of your past experiences Thank you so much
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Nothing crazy to report. Just coming in to update and do a little journaling. It's been a couple weeks since we had the "not so good week" I really learned a lot from that week and how I took some steps backwards, but it doesn't mean that it's always going to be like that. I really feel that I was becoming co-dependent again. That I wasn't really taking care of me and I was taking on her stress and attitude and turn it in to something really big, which is wasn't. I got the book "Codependent No More" and started reading. Nothing really new in the book, but a lot of reminders for me. I've learned that it is very important for me to read something 15-20 mins a day just to keep my mind working and understanding the person I'm trying to become. I also had an IC appointment and of course we discussed the things that had happened. I really dug into realizing that know matter what I won't leave until she is done with paramedic school. She will be done in June. I've decided that because that gives us time to work on M as well is it the best choice for son by far. The last couple weeks have been really good again. Physical contact has returned, but still no sex. That part is getting tougher for me. It's been 6 months. But its something that I am not going to push. She knows my needs and wants and there is no reason to constantly bring it up. Out 9 year anniversary is next week. I made reservations at a really nice place. I will get flowers for her as well. We are getting new carpet in the house and she suggested that it should be our anniversary and Christmas gift to each other Not sure if I will get her something else or not. If I do it will be something small
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Having been on the forum much unfortunately. I've been kind of laying low. Everything has been going fine for the most part up until yesterday morning. I snooped again. I did snoop on her email or anything, I actually snooped to see if she used her "toy" Well she had and that was the second time in a week. I don't know why it's bothering my so much but it is. I guess I feel insecure and that I am getting replaced by a vibrator and that I'm not good enough. I hesitated whether I was going to even bring it up or not, but of course I did. I started off the conversation by asking, "did you masturbate this often when we were having sex?" Of course that didn't go so well. I then ended up going into the graphic porn I know she was looking at months ago. I also told her that it if she would put half the effort into saving our marriage as she does paramedic school then we might have a chance I went down that cheeseless tunnel again. I don't know why I can't seem to stay on the path I know that works. We talked about it when I got home yesterday. I told her that I was sorry for the things I said. I told her meant what I said about putting in half the effort but that I shouldn't have said that to her. She said it was like the broken plate again. Just shattering her hopes We talked things out, but I like each time this happens it's closer to the end I fill like subconsciencely I am self sabotaging this whole thing I really feel low once again I am delaying the inevitable Yes this is over sex. It's been over 6 months. My needs aren't getting met in this marriage and I'm growing very impatient
Today is our 9th anniversary We are going out to dinner tonight. We shall see how things go All I know is I must focus on me regardless. Because I need to be happy with or without her. And lately I seem to be tying it to this marriage again
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Have a wonderful anniversary dinner! And, if sex crosses your mind, just think of doodler wearing a paisley thong with Austin Powers' teeth and chest hair. Yeah babeeee...
CBTDAD, Oh man. I am going to be blunt with you. She is not having sex with you because not because her sex drive is low. So there should be no surprise she is pleasuring herself.
She is not not having sex with you because you aren't good in bed.
She is not having sexual relationship with you a comfortable place with you. And from your non-tactful ways of addressing her, I would feel the same way. I am sorry.
I understand your needs aren't getting met, but you keep setting yourself back from getting them met. She's right, you keep shattering the plate before it gets put back together. Perhaps you are self-sabotaging so you have a reason to get out? I don't know.
Try to have a nice anniversary dinner. No R talk, no sex talk, try to go back where the two of you enjoyed eachother's company without sex or tension. Remember what brought you together in the first place.
