Just Tired

[TiredTN]

I really don't want to be married to this person. We have kind of co-habitated for years with occasional benefits (and the benefits are not very good). She's not a good wife, she's very sporadic as a mom...but my kids (our kids)...like most kids...love their mom. I don't want her dragging my kids out of the country to see her parents without me. Not that I fear she would try to keep them over there, but she doesn't keep track of them too well in crowds and I just don't trust her to keep them safe.

I don't trust her financially. We've never had a rational financial conversation in our marriage. I don't trust her emotionally.

I do trust her not to have an affair. She's kind of a-sexual so I don't see her wanting to get boned by anybody...what she does for me is out of duty, not out of passion.

It just doesn't seem like a great way to spend my life, but how do I separate myself from her without messing up the kids and messing up both of our financial futures?

[doodler]

It just doesn't seem like a great way to spend my life, but how do I separate myself from her without messing up the kids and messing up both of our financial futures?

TiredTN,

It sounds like you need to decide what you want and then figure out how to get there. Not necessarily fun, but relatively simple.

[JujuB]

Wow, I only quickly skimmed through this...but you sound so much like a walkaway spouse. Your posts are filled with negative comments and resentment torwards your wife. You come across just as negative as you describe her.

I am sure my husband was similar. I am sure he focused on all of my negative traits in order to justify ending a marriage that he committed to through better or for worse and brought children into. I feel that my husband even subconsiously pushed buttons, disengaged, and withdrew...which only fired up my negativity. He was waiting for me to mess up to justify leaving.

I am not saying that you have done this, but are you at all disengaging or stonewalling? Many men do. Does she really know and understand your concerns about the marriage? Does she realize you are half way out the door? I suspect she is unhappy with you as well and unskilled at communucating. And it just becomes a vicious cycle of umet needs and frusturation.

I hope that your research and being on the forums is not simply a way to tell yourself "i tried everything" when really you are one foot out the door and just looking for excuses.

So let me ask you, what are some postive traits that your wife has? Is she loyal? What are some of the negative things she would say about you? What are some of the positive things she would say about you?

I really think you need to move forward with the idea that the possibility of divorce is out of the equation. She has not cheated on you. You and your family are not in danger. You just need highly skilled help.

[JujuB]

It really sounds like you are looking for excuses to seek your personal happiness rather then fulfill your vows and committment to your wife and children. I really believe that your marriage can be saved, but your mindset has to be changed.

Marriage should not be disposable, although it has become so because many of us feel entitled. Many of us do not want to do the work.

You have so much resentment, but your marriage did not get like this just because of your wifes behavior.

[MoveFrwd]

I haven't really known how to progress and I didn't schedule another session with my divorcebusting coach, probably because we weren't in crisis and so I let it slide.

So now we are approaching crisis time again.

I completely agree with Ginger.

Curious as to what signaled the "end" of the last crisis and the "start" of this new crisis.

Have you read DB or DR?

[MoveFrwd]

I haven't really known how to progress and I didn't schedule another session with my divorcebusting coach, probably because we weren't in crisis and so I let it slide.

So now we are approaching crisis time again.

I completely agree with Ginger.

Curious as to what signaled the "end" of the last crisis and the "start" of this new crisis.

Have you read DB or DR?

Shoot. That wasnt Ginger that said it....it was Juju. I agree with HER.

[Ginger1]

I haven't really known how to progress and I didn't schedule another session with my divorcebusting coach, probably because we weren't in crisis and so I let it slide.

So now we are approaching crisis time again.

I completely agree with Ginger.

Curious as to what signaled the "end" of the last crisis and the "start" of this new crisis.

Have you read DB or DR?

Shoot. That wasnt Ginger that said it....it was Juju. I agree with HER.

What's even weirder is I was killing some time before lunch (my brain froze at work) and I decided to read this thread for the first time. And I found someone in agreeance with me and I knew I didn't post, so I wondered if someone was reading my mind!

For what it's worth, I agree with Juju.

[JujuB]

Oh she definitely has depression.
She is taking stuff for it, and it helps, but only to take the edge off.
Her family dynamic is pretty sick too.
Before we were married (before I even knew her) she had an aunt that started making up lies about her.
My wife's brother's wife (her sister in law) was pregnant. My wife's aunt starts telling my wife's mom that the baby isn't the brother's, but is actually my wife's.
My (now) mother-in-law believed it enough to travel a long distance to visit to confirm she didn't have a baby. Now...what the heck kind of aunt would make up that kind of stuff and what kind of mom would believe it?
Her family lies to each other like they are pouring breakfast cereal...it's just no big deal.
Except they all get upset when they catch each other doing it.

My wife in turn lies to the kids.
Mainly about small things ("we are going to leave without you")that do scare the kids sometimes.

So depression? Yes...but there is oh so much more than that.

Are you serious?????

Your bringing stuff up from before you were even married!!!!

Wife makes small lies to kids??? Who here doesn't say things like, I'm gonna leave without you to the kids.

I'm sorry, but you are really villifying her. You are setting this up so that you can justify walking out on your family. And trying to round up tons of support from the forums, and I bet your work buddies and friends.

is she verbally and emotionally abusive too?

Hey by any chance is there a woman at work that totally understands you better? Somone that you wish your wife was more like? You don't even have to answer that here? But seriously reflect on this.

No kid comes out of this unharmed. There are kids on these forums whose parents have left them, that pull their hair out, have major behavior issues and talk about suicide.

I don't mean to be hard on you but seriously. Have a little bit of empathy and compassion. You marriedier for a reason and you contributed too.

Your in a position where you have the power to save things. Marriages do have downs especially when the kids are young. Start focusing on what you can do. The small things did make a difference, but you seem so impatient and sarcastic regarding her. Stop villifying her. Read the books. The dB coaches are really helpful, which is most likely why you don't want to use them...because your checked out already.

I really hope for your kids sake you get real about this.

[Zues126]

I really don't want to be married to this person.

Hey Just. I'm on this thread because I saw Juju's name as a poster so I slowed down to catch up.

I get the feeling of not wanting to be in a marriage. I'm tired too and not up to reliving the horror of the later years of my marriage, but it wasn't pretty. I once told my friend I felt like I was single except that I couldn't date other women and gave 100% of my paycheck to alimony.

In the end you have to decide if you're going to steer your ship on feelings or on beliefs. If you are going to follow feelings, it's probably that you will end up divorced. Either you'll cut bait, or she will. If you operate on beliefs you may remain married. Maybe that doesn't sound like what you want, but here's the thing- divorce is no bargain.

It reminds me of my "unicorn" close. I'm in sales, and sometimes when I'm talking to a potential customer they start critiquing my product, wishing it was better than it was. But all products have flaws, and sometimes mine is the best despite those warts. So my unicorn close is to tell the customer "If you're comparing my product or service with something else out there on the market that will do a better job for you, I'm all about it. But if you're comparing what I have with something you wish existed, then I'd be doing you a disservice to stand by and watch you pass on a good opportunity because you wished something more existed. You might as well be comparing my service to a unicorn, it just doesn't exist. I can compete with other services, but I can't compete with unicorns, because my product doesn't have a magical horn and can't bound over rainbows. But it can do A/B/C benefit for you, and I'm here to help you achieve that..."

I bring that up because many people make the mistake of comparing their marriage with some murky idea of what they wished another relationship would be like. Just some "I don't know, but we'd be having sex, and we'd be loving, and it would FEEL different". Well, Just, good luck with your unicorn hunting. I think what you'll find is that in 100% of relationships either spouse could build an iron clad case as to why they should get divorced, and why they deserve better than their spouse. That's the reality. It's a bummer, I wish it wasn't so. But it is. The question is do you want to chase the unicorn and have a series of broken 3-10 year relationships with broken families, step children, mixed families, limited access to your children, more obstacles and baggage piled on top of relationships that are increasingly less and less committed as the promises of "I do" become more and more trite...or do you believe in honoring your vows, accepting that this is the 'for worse' in your marriage, priding yourself on being the guy that follows through with those vows, and working on yourself with the idea that whether it's 5 weeks of 5 years from now you'll make it through this winter in your marriage and will see a loving spring again, with a committed and appreciative life partner that will be there to the end?

Clearly I am a marriage believer, as are many on this thread. I make no apologies for this, and I believe it's my job to spread that belief and challenge the temptations of our feelings. Just realize that you either do or don't believe in marriage, and basing your actions on how you feel is essentially declaring that marriage is conditional and hence ultimately won't be achievable in this world. And you'd be making that decision for someone else that has no say, that you promised to love and cherish.

You mentioned expectations in marriage. There's a great youtube video about it by Andrew Stanley I'd encourage you to watch.

What I've learned is that the biggest benefit of marriage is that you have someone else you get to love, protect, and care for. When you look at 'what you get' it doesn't seem worth it. But when you include that you 'get' to love someone else the way God wants you to, you might see that it's the most important role we've been given in this lifetime, and it means more than we thing when we're simply scorekeeping and comparing our day to day quality of life selfishly. Divorce is more destructive and a bigger loss than I could ever explain to someone that hasn't gone through that loss.

As for what you SHOULD do (in my opinion), I will again agree that it is very, very difficult when you are where you are. There are things you can and should do to feel better, more yourself, less resentful about her, and less tied to her behavior. But there's really no reason to go down that road if you're not committed. If you're not committed it will look like too much work for not enough immediate relief or immediate results. If you commit wholeheartedly, however, let us know and I'm sure we can help you cope through the short term and work on building a better long term.

No matter what I wish you the best in your journey ahead. Get some sleep Tired.

[Oluwa]

Hi. Thought I would swing by your thread and see how your doing!

I do understand where you are coming from, in that you kind of feel you want to give up, which in a way is the easier option. At least, if you agreed to separate then you may feel there was some closure or progress. But, separation and subsequent divorce etc is going take years as well.

Continuing to try to work on yourself and support your kids and wife is a good way to go for now in my opinion. I have times most days where I just want to pack it in as well, but I keep finding a ray of hope somewhere in all this mess, that maybe we can reconcile. My latest hope is following the DB Approach and doing some proper 180's.

Not sure if I can do them, but without trying, will I be able to walk away from the marriage satisfied that I did everything I could. I don't think so.

I wish you all the best in your journey, and keep on posting.