Court date set, still holding on (csabo part 2)

[csabo]

Link to first thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2706990&page=1

So, kind of a lot has happened since I was last here. Most notably, he got drunk last Friday (October 8) and said it was really hard to leave and that he missed me, and we had a talk and he didn't seem ready to think about getting back together, but he seemed closer. He seemed to be thinking about the possibility of getting back together in the future.

He wanted "meaningless sex" and said it wouldn't be taking advantage of me if we both agreed to it being meaningless. I told him it wouldn't be meaningless to me and he said "I miss you" and I thought he was trying to connect so I said I missed him too, and I know lack of sex was a big issue for him during the M so I thought I would show him that part can change too, so we had sex. Well, big mistake, I guess. he really wasn't into it, and then the next day he said he was mad at himself for "coming back to me" because it meant that he had failed.

He said he shouldn't tell me he misses me because it doesn't mean he's coming back, and that it just confuses me, and that he needs to "pull the rug out" from under me.

Then he was being really sweet the next few days. We were just talking about normal stuff, and somehow The Giving Tree got brought up, and I said I had never read it so he told me the story. We both got teary-eyed and I said "you're my giving tree" and he said "yeah" and I said "I'm sorry" and then changed the subject back to something light-hearted. Before bed he initiated a hug and said "good talk".

A few days later we get the email with our court date. January 9 at 2 pm. Seems too soon. He says not soon enough, but that he doesn't have to be in a rush. I tried really hard not to cry in front of him but it hit me too hard. he asked if I was freaked out over getting a court date, I said yes, he comes over and hugs me and says it'll be okay. I ask him why he's being nice to me. He says these bits of affection don't mean anything, he's just being nice because he's a nice person and he's nice to all his friends, but he doesn't feel anything for me anymore, and that he doesn't think he ever could again. He's not coming back now, or in the future.

The next day we go to the gym together, I'm having trouble with a certain lift, and he comes behind me and grabs my hips to move me into position then wraps his arms around me to put his hands on mine to show me the move. Because that level of intimacy is something I show all my friends I don't have feelings for.

Ugh.

He's right about one thing: I AM confused...

[Surfer]

Csabo,

No you are not confused. You are simply attached. He is confused. Don't be confused over who is confused here. It's confusing and if you are not careful you will confuse yourself.....

Surfer.

[csabo]

I'm trying to just keep up with the changes I've made, which he acknowledged (without my pressing) but I'm getting pretty anxious with a court date set and him not seeming to make any progress towards coming back.

We were playing dungeons and dragons with our friends and he was drinking and I was taking care of him just a little, i drove him home and gave him my water bottle and he was saying thank you thank you, then we get home and suddenly he's cranky at me for helping him...

I'm trying not to read into things but I wonder if he started having positive feelings towards me so felt like he needed to act cold towards me to make up for it.

[csabo]

He also had me feel his butt because "it's all muscle". Even after I said I didn't want to, he pressed me to touch his butt... Like, that seems weird for someone who has no feelings for me.

[j20a00g]

Csabo-

You are going to drive yourself insane looking at every detail and hanging on to every word. Stay the course. His reactions and actions towards things show that he is confused. Don't give him reasons to top the scale more against your goals.

Not sure as if playing games and coddling him when he's drunk is doing much good. Seems to be serving him cake.

[csabo]

Thanks for the reply, j. I know I shouldn't analyze every little thing but it's so hard sometimes not to. I will try to do better at just doing my own thing.

Playing dungeons and dragons with friends is a little trickier, we've been doing it for years and I don't want to stop doing something I enjoy just because he's there too. But I don't think he's going to quit either.

[Surfer]

Csabo

Do you think you are DB'ing here? What do you think you should be doing versus what you are doing.

Should you be mind reading?
Should you be believing what he says?
Should you be attached?
Should you be always available like a W or should you be going dark?
Should you be working on you to be the best version of you?
Should you be doing 180s?

The last 2 are easiest for you. Your first post listed things, not listening, housework etc. Do the opposite. But don't chase him.

At the core of what you are not doing is detaching and being the best version of you I expect. It might be good to re-read DR also. My copy is open next to me I keep going back to it. I suggest you get to work on this too - otherwise you will end up repeating the same cycle of posts that you have recently written. They are all about the roller coaster and living this will do neither you or your R any good.

Lots of people are here to help. We are all living the same dream sadly.

Keep posting and stay positive.

Surfer.

[j20a00g]

Thanks for the reply, j. I know I shouldn't analyze every little thing but it's so hard sometimes not to. I will try to do better at just doing my own thing.

Playing dungeons and dragons with friends is a little trickier, we've been doing it for years and I don't want to stop doing something I enjoy just because he's there too. But I don't think he's going to quit either.

While I understand you enjoy it do you think it's helping or hurting your cause? Let's say you continue on and January comes and you end up divorcing....you still going to be going? Or do you think you stepping back and distancing may help show him that you can and will be ok without him which may help bring him closer?

Looking from an outsiders perspective, may be easier to take a break from d&d right now as opposed to likely stopping forever in January.

[csabo]

I think I was doing better at DB'ing before he got drunk and said he missed me but that he wasn't coming back. It kind of felt like the break up all over again. You're right, Surfer, I need to get back to working on detachment and focusing on myself. Thanks.

j - about d&d, I was worried that if I quit playing he would see it as me being weak/avoiding him/withdrawing and being depressed. But if I kept going despite his presence it would show that I can be my own person regardless of him. But I'm not sure...

[j20a00g]

And so in January. What is your d&d plan if you divorce?