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Cherry Offline OP
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Link to my old thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2711747&page=11

So to recap, he's moved out. The last thread was mainly the results that transpired when he left. Suicidal threats, calls to police and all kinds of drama.

He has given me the religious part of the divorce (not sure it was done properly, and it isn't official until once I have delivered the baby)

He has started to swing by the house.


Surfer I will reply to you here as my old thread maxed out.

The reason of 4 months is merely for the religious divorce, he basically has the opportunity to reconcile any time until I've had the baby. After that, he would not be able to remarry me. He has called round to collect laundry, he used my machine yesterday as he said that his hasn't arrived yet. They have been flying visits, I was out yesterday most of the time he was here. Today I was in my room, kind of avoiding him, but he came to check up on me (perhaps guilt, must not mind read).

I get what you mean re trying to push my buttons about the ow. I was just annoyed, and to be honest, I didn't really want to see him for a while so I could collect myself. I just saw it as majorly disrepectful! I shall work upon this, until I can figure out a way to perhaps lay down a boundary on this.

I think that would be an idea to be out, I don't want him thinking he is the only one who has a life! I completely get what you mean regarding control, by surrendering his rights, I mean he surrendered his rights to give an opinion on my life or anything that happens in it!

I think perhaps I do have a view of not being worthy, you could be right. I'm not sure how I can improve upon this and realise that I am!

My plan was to stay dark, until he came around. Maybe I shall break this to him in a way that he needs to let me know beforehand. I don't send any texts or communicate to him. I think I need some severe space from him to regroup and collect my thoughts. Right now things are too raw and I'm adjusting that I end up feeling hurt or angry when I see him


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
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Cherry,

He's chosen to leave the M home. He cannot just swing by whenever he sees fit especially if he is not contributing to the household expenses. Change the locks or send him a message that he needs to arrange times to come by and see S or he can pick S up and take him somewhere.


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
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May have said this before but your strength is inspiring.


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
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Cherry, it may be time for firm boundaries. You can do it in a civil manner.

Wrt to the lock, you may want to check with your L the legal implications. Also, check with him the validity of the religious D.

(((Cherry)))


You can call me Dory/ Grl.

As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"

It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
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Yes, I agree with TO - he chose to leave and that house is no longer his home to come and go from IMHO. It's reasonable to ask him to arrange visits with you. I agree to be careful about the locks. Though you could take lesser steps (like putting the door chain on for instance) so that he has to knock. And if he queries, you can just say - oh the chain was on....now that I live on my own I use it more etc...)

But I would take steps to break the dynamic of 'I chose to move out, but I'll come and go as I please in my house'

Take care Cherry - you're doing really well xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Cherry,

Just ask him to be respectful and call. You may have guests and don't want anything embarrassing to happen to them....etc.

Your self esteem takes a hell of a battering during DB. I really do know this. Ha ha. However, if there is something else also that makes you feel less than great about yourself you need to work on the things that boost your confidence in both arenas. As much as I have read, I believe some of these things for you include:

- Pampering
- Dressing nicely
- Doing presentations at work

Personally, I think something that puts you slightly out of your comfort zone is good. So you can work on your self esteem. But first, just focus on This part of the DB process. Remain detached and go dark. A spot of negro cereza will do nicely right now. Don't let him push your buttons again. Stay strong and confident.

Also, dont forget the GAL activities. Talking is important too.

I am sure today will be better for you. Keep that chin up and stay strong. You are an impressive person. I know people talk about you doing all this at such a young age and coping so well.. You perhaps brush this off but it's true and you are setting such a great example for your S. Imagine that easy alternative - out of control, always flying into a fight. No give yourself a well deserved ego a boost - you are doing so well. There are very few that could handle what you have.

Surfer.


M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids
Issues2009
Wpartying w/g.f's2013on
EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR
ImeetAP/EAhalts
VariousBDDates
MFCourse
WSpew
EAresumes I halt
Wrages
DBIng4/2016




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Cherry Offline OP
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Thanks guys, yeah I understand this is something that needs to be put across to him. I think my internal battle has gone from how he was the other weekend with the suicidal, I feel like I want to tread carefully that I don't want to slam the door shut. However, he does need to respect our privacy, I don't have a key to his place, I don't call into him and crash his space, so he can't come and go as he pleases here. I have some added security on my door so it can't be opened from the outside. I think I will have the conversation with him that he needs to contact us first.

Thanks surfer, I shall try to utelise the space as an opportunity to work upon me. You're right, for some reason I do shrug off people's compliments towards me, I need to realise I am doing a good job. There could be an alternative to dealing with this, like you say, flying off into a fight, or doing disappearing acts myself and taking comfort in one night stands. I should take pride that I'm facing this face on and working on me, without disrespecting myself and setting a poor example to my S


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
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Exactly. You are doing a great job. You need to remember this.

Kind and caring people are kind and caring. They just are.

You are a kind and caring person. Don't forget that. Set your boundaries though, kindly; as people get tend to given treatment they accept.

What a lucky little boy you have to have a mum that is doing such a fab job in the face of such adversity!!!

Surfer.


M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids
Issues2009
Wpartying w/g.f's2013on
EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR
ImeetAP/EAhalts
VariousBDDates
MFCourse
WSpew
EAresumes I halt
Wrages
DBIng4/2016




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Cherry

Just getting through the day with dignity is great and a very positive achievement.

It's enough.

And I agree you can choose to have your peace and quiet and a calm home, a haven for you and S.

Hugs

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Cherry Offline OP
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Thanks surfer, I think I am the lucky one having such a happy loving little boy. He's the biggest blessing I count every day. And that's one of my focuses st the moment, to see the blessings. I watched stand up to cancer this weekend (don't know if any other brits watched it), but I saw stories of families torn apart by it, and I've been through this treatment- I've felt like I would loose my life. Chemo and radio takes it out of you, but after that, I built my life again from scratch- and I can do that again! I thank god I beat that and have gone on to achieve my dream of being a mum.

And you're right on that, sometimes I dislike the fact I'm a kind and caring people, as people do take advantage of a good person. But the flipside to that is that I have a lot of friends who are there for me now.

V, you are so right. That is something in my hands, I can either go down a route where I loose it, and am angry or upset. Or I can choose to have a calm and peaceful house. I choose the latter, and I shall fill my home with love.

Pregnancy sickness has given me a beating today, all day long! I shall take some time to rest as I've quite a few GAL activities towards the end of the week and the weekend to fill my calendar with. But as surfer said the other day, I am quite a home bird, and sometimes I do prefer my own company at home. I'm trying to make sure I strike a balance as I know it does a lot for my pma to get out and do something and see people. And I say I like peaceful quiet evenings, but I often spend an evening on the phone to a girlfriend or messaging friends.


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
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