6 Months since she said i dont love you (4)

[Natus]

Checking in.

Picked up a guitar, never played before in my whole life. Trying new things. I was so lost at first, didnt know head or tails of what i was supposed to do. Thankfully a couple of google and you tube videos later i am practicing three chords.

Assembled a gaming / foosbal table for son. Oh that took a few hours was back achingly sore but in a good way. S5 was happy even though hes not yet gotten the hang of how to play it yet.

I thought i was doing well then i started to dream of her, i dont usually dream. Threw me out of wack and now im trying to find my center again. Feels like two steps forward then one step back.

I think i work myself up too much wondering when the sadness will go.

[DDJ]

Hey Natus, a solid wall around is you good. But isn't a white picket fence better.

I learnt to face my tiger head on - she still spews alot in my direction - but i'm the only one rocking the boat now. You have to go back in and fight the fight, find peace in the madness.

Otherwise you will just carry that wall with you everywhere. Love is pain and pain is love. But you've had the pain, so now you need to show love. It was hardest for me to do with my ex-wife, but with God's grace, I now show her love, even though she doesn't deserve it. But if I don't show her love (not give her MY love) then I don't really love myself.

Behind anger, there is always pain. But you have to go through the pain to lose the anger.

[Natus]

I like to think my NC is pretty good except in one area. We are constantly sharing pics of our S5 throughout the day.

Sure it was nice at first but as im settling down more into life without her it feels like im being treated as a long distant husband.

Its not so much that i dont want to receive news and pic of S5 but she does it in the morning upon waking and expects me to do the same. Through out the day, going out, eating, toys and again before S5 sleeps. The frequency is a little much.

Quite frankly i dont want to be texting her first thing in the morning or receiving text from her first thing in the morning.

Should i bring it up nicely, you know "hey, i appreciate the photos and i love having updates on our S5 but its alittle difficult adjusting to our separation if we are in constant contact with each other"...bla bla bla or just stop on my end and see if she emulates?

[Jug]

I'd start a new system like uploading them to a shared photo site. This is what you will do and she is welcome to do the same but is free to do as she wishes.

[Natus]

Not sure i want to go the shared photo site route purely cause i dont think i can be bothered.

I just want to reduce the non-essential contact. Is it me? it does feel like i want to cut her out of my life.

[Jug]

It sound like real detachment and that's good. Just do what you want with no discussion.

[Maybe]

Hi Natus,

I was doing the photo sharing with my H, but I was the one initiate if. And to be honest, I did it because I was thinking of him, I wanted him to share these moments with me. So maybe your w is the same. You are right of being a long distance H. You can have boundaries if it's not working for you. I am still learning to detach, and I learned that texting back and forth really was not helping, even it's only about children. My opinion will be ask nicely but firmly. If she got upset, don't let her drag you into an argument. Try to think of what she might say and prepare some non reactive responses. I would say these texts are part of her cake eating attempt. Separation with children is hard. I have to make excuses for H to not come over so regularly so I can keep sane... good luck!

[Natus]

It sound like real detachment and that's good.

I wish that was true. I feel as though im actually think more of her now than before or maybe im just fixating on the problem.

I want to reduce the contact for me. Its not so much DB but me recognizing its making me feel low. I want my time with S5 to be my time.

[Natus]

So i went with telling.

I arranged to call her ahead of time and when i did i said that i enjoy and appreciate the photos and updates but its hard on me adjusting to separate lives if we are in constant contact right now. I said wishing S5 goodnight is still on the table but im not comfortable texting or receiving text first thing in the morning but ofcourse anything important like school, medical, travel etc should be communicated.

She didnt sound too pleased but i need it for me, i dont want to have to think about her everytime im with S5 updating her on every little thing.

Have to admit i was a little down after the conversation. Never fun and is not like im enjoying any of this but i need to do it for me. On the plus side when im with S5 now its just me and him which lightens the load.

we've talked about divorce and she said she would follow it through after the house is sold and we are signing papers this sat. I think im ready. I hate it but i know i can survive.

[Natus]

Cleared out the last bits of the house during the weekend. Stbx was there but i was primarily focused on the task at hand. I was polite enough just not conversational.

As we drove off i saw her looking at me, she looked i dunno miserable. Ick it started me off down the road of mind reading.

We have considerably less contact now after i asked her to stop texting me first thing in the morning and reduce the day time texts unless its important. I guess those are my boundaries now as we continue to have separate lives.

Still wondering when the sadness will go away. I think im codependent on my son. When its her turn with her im miserable.

On a plus note got my bike. A well maintained custom rebuilt 1992 1100cc Virago. Though now i have a nagging thought in the back of my head urging me to go faster and faster.

One week to go til long christmas trip with S5.