Hi everyone. I have a thread in newcomers which is probably maxxed out. So, the past few months I have been on the MLC rollercoaster. H is severely depressed and outright said he was in MLC (he's young, but I see it) I've DBed, I go back from time to time and read DR (sitting on the bed right now) time passes, and I still feel like I'm going nuts. I need to muster up all the patience I have and then some. I am really struggling, even though some days are getting better than others. As per my DB coach, I started being a friend to H. Things were going somewhat well, in the sense he'd share with me things he was up to, or email me a link to an article he knew I'd like. We had lunch a few times. His unhappiness is pretty much palpable. He is really struggling right now. Awkward hugs at the end of the lunches, as if I have cooties. Or leprosy, or something equally as horrible. This week I definitely messed up DBing so need to regroup. A financial talk which was a bit overdue turned into an R (and D) talk. I got upset, said some dumb things I of course regret like "I need to move on" and "I can't do this anymore." Well, of course I got back all the 'i feel pressured to decide and I cannot decide and you keep pushing and pressuring me and the more you do that the more i will back away.' I, stupidly, defend and say I have done nothing of the sort to push you to make any decision regarding our relationship, i was asking about a financial question. Then, ugh, he's like, i need space, i need time, my therapist says i shouldn't talk to you, and so on. Basically, it seems, the last month of a few pleasantries was... not pleasant. Then he starts rehashing old stuff, all the stuff i did wrong, i tried to validate and knew i needed to end the conversation! At the end he was basically saying he is so unhappy and thinks he may never be happy, and maybe we shouldn't talk.
So, I plan to give him space, and not initiate contact. I feel really lonely and emotional right now. I made plans for tomorrow to meet friends and made an appointment for a massage today. I plan on journaling here, and maybe borrow a rubber band from Coly (so i snap myself with it instead of texting H). There were a few days that were so good before this! Like, last week asking me how my day was in a text. Or maybe its all just temp checking, who knows. I miss H. Or I miss the old H, or maybe even who I thought the old H was. Happy Saturday DBers.
Welcome to the MLC Forum. I'm sorry you are here, but we've got a lot of wonderful people posting here who will be happy to come by and visit w/you, i.e., support you, give advice and/or opinions, as well as just to talk about life in general. So, I'm going to paste Cadet's Welcome Posting here for you to begin some brand new homework. Read as much as you can about MLC and depression and if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask them.
Here's Cadet's Welcome Posting: OK so that means MORE homework.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
_________________________ Me-62, D30,S28
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hey Altair, I've been patiently waiting for you to create a thread over here and look I have an elastic band ready for you!
I'm sorry you have had a rubbish time with H lately, I think that anything we say will be perceived as pressure however the things you said to H about moving on is essentially what I want to say to my H as well so don't beat yourself up about it. You are only human.
I am sorry to say but I think your H has you dangling on a string. At the moment his feelings are the only ones that count so you telling him how you feel has made him defensive otherwise he will have to deal with the guilt of what he has done.
If his therapist had told him not to speak with you then maybe you should respect that and go NC now. It might be good for you both. By the way, why would his therapist say that to him??
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Thank you Coly, I accept your rubber/elastic band. H has been peppering in his statements with "my therapist said i should do X" and they are generally cutting comments in the moment, probably designed to hurt. Either way, I simply need to have more self-control to do the DB Way. His feelings, his world is all that matters right now and he is suffering mightily.
I did an AndrewP and went and got myself some tulips. A trip right now would really help me clear my mind-- but I can't at the moment due to work-- but I am trying to plan something, hopefully out of cell contact and nice and remote. It's kind of amazing to see people on here talk of how it is getting cold! Not where I am!!
In a not-quite proper GAL way, I went to a trendy bar near my place I'd never been. I had a fancy cocktail and chatted up the bartender and some other patrons. The bartender said to me, "Do you have any plans for Halloween?" I was so taken aback, laughed to myself, thinking, when's the last time anyone asked me that? I haven't been to a Halloween party in over a decade. I took it as a compliment, maybe he thought I looked young, who knows. I do know this, I'm in no way shape or form ready to even think about dating, although a few of my friends have encouraged me to test the waters. Going to a bar for a cocktail is as far as I can go. I am starting to get the "you need to think about moving on" advice (unsolicited). That said, the longer I am here on this board, the longer I realize this is going to take, and keep struggling to GAL.
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
Altair - I am flattered with the reference to my own pampering with fresh flowers. Your reference to Halloween resonated with me. It is one of my favourite holidays. For many years I will decorate up my sailboat and myself in a pirate motif. I have a blast (and a cannon). D24 told me that a lot of people would be disappointed if I didn't keep it up when I expressed doubts about it for this year.
What I want to say to you is that you need to take these opportunities to take a big bite out of life and enjoy yourself and celebrate the good fortune you have had putting the sorrows behind you for at least an evening.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
That's always an interesting question these days. I think it depends which second you ask me. Saturdays and Sundays are the worst, it seems for me these days, although I do have a plan this afternoon. For some of the day, I'm generally in a panic trying to schedule things (including the dreaded upcoming holidays) to fill these (perceived) empty days. My IC says I shouldn't rush to do that, and consider more meditation-type activities. I get it, as my brain is in obsessive overdrive, so how am I? I am good, as I am looking over my week's calendar. And how are you? That 5 week buildup and denoument you just had was (what is the word) better than him not responding at all? I'm not sure what to think of your sitch right now.
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
The weekends are rubbish for me as well. I just end up ferrying D around most of the time! However I'm not rushing to plan things either, im just going to take it as it comes. I did have a nice weekend with our friends though. Lots to eat and drink!
That sounds ominous that you dont know what to think of my sitch! To be honest neither do I!
I just spoiled it all by sending one text too many with no response from H. I'm such an idiot! Back to being dark! (He just responded in the last few minutes).
Have you heard from H this weekend or does he generally not contact you on the weekends?
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
H said the week's discussions about finances and a bit of M talk "completely overwhelmed him" and he needs to figure out more boundaries about our communications. Because if I text him, he responds right away and his therapist says he shouldn't do that. The amount of times I've initiated is extremely small compared to how much he reaches out to me, but, it apparently feels like a giant obligatory pursuing attack on his soul: short answer, no. Last week he contacted me every day. This weekend, nothing.
I've been reading some pursuer literature and find it really interesting. I need to schedule a DB session-- the friendship thing and this pursuing thing seem to be clashing a bit, to my afraid squirrel H. Then again, I might just chuck my phone in the river. Problem solved!
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
Also: I say things to my IC like, the old me would never put up with this nonsense. Meaning in non-marital love relationships. My IC won't have any of this logic though, she's like yeah but now you are married, you cannot compare those to this.
I still want to throw away my phone, however.
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
