Coly - there was a time I would have found your father's story odd, but not so much anymore given all that I know about MLC.
Bttrfly - that is a very stressful way to live. I am sorry. Like you, I am seeing so many control issues surfacing.
Well, I am in for a bumpy ride. There is so much anger surfacing. Guess I am due as it's been quiet for some time.
I sent the text as Job worded it. Within minutes my phone was beeping frantically with multiple texts coming through. He is REALLY not a happy camper now. He is furious. He tells me doesn't get my reply. He tells me that the last 17 years have been mostly unpleasant and that I do nothing for him. (I think he has forgotten that he told me it was all over and to leave him alone.) He is mad that it is taking me days to contemplate all this.
I did not respond at all. This is going to be one of those where no matter what I say he will twist it all. There is soooo much anger. He wants to fight. I can see that he is very mad at his lot in life. And I am still the cause of all his problems.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
HaWho the first time I heard of the "F. Off Fund" that Andrew describes was 4 years ago. My friend told me she always puts a little money away in case she ever needs it. I though she was mad. She has a good H, who provides for her and the family. Now I wish I took her advice back then. I know that money is not the issue with my H's MLC but I recognise that it was one of the major contributing factors. You need that money, don't let him bully you into losing your independence.
I'm sorry things are escalating, I'm thinking of you xxx
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
HaWho - Stupid suggestion time. Can you accidentally and not on purpose dump your phone into the garbage disposal? The ease with which your H can contact you and you can react may be part of the unhealthy dynamic - trust me - I know how reacting without thinking can be unhealthy
Perhaps learn how to do semaphore - that way you and H will have to stand on opposite hilltops with your flags and send messages one letter at a time and only if the weather is clear - joke -
More seriously though - you are "very" available to him via text and being in the same house. Sitting behind a keyboard of whatever kind can cause people to write things that they wouldn't say in real life. It also creates an expectation of immediacy which IMO is one of the great failings of the modern world. I'm of an age when an "urgent response" took 2 weeks because you had to mail everything. Perhaps a more civilized time?
Keep strong - you are in a very tough place right now but we're all cheering for you. You are an inspiration.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Always lurking, but don't tend to post that often. I was in a in house separation, and it was a total hell. You come home not knowing who's going to be in. It was like living with Jekel and Hyde - except nastier!
I know where you're heading, but you're not gonna fix him with a text. That grey hair on his head, well, that's your fault. That beer gut, well, that's your fault. Get the train of thought here? I think back to some of the things W said to me (you made me put weight on; I only started eating meals out when I met you; my t**s were less saggy before I met you; my tummy was smaller before we had kids etc.) and realise, that I could be the best husband a woman could ever have been, and I'm not saying I am, and I still would have been blamed for her aging.
You will have re-assured him, as I did with my W, that none of that matters, you love him etc., but it won't go in. Only he can realise that. I now don't respond to spew in a climb down focus, but meet it head on with truth darts and facts. They can't cope with that. Remember, you're taking it out on them (oh, the pearls of wisdom from my W are fantastic) and everything you do, be it good or bad, is just to get up there nose.
Stay safe and try not to let him rile you. He'll soon get bored when you don't interact, because that's what they want you to do, to make them feel a part of their life that you can't do with out.
Oh, seriously, a landline? Yep, every 11 year old boys dream present that!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Andrew P, That was absolutely spot on advice! HaWho, maybe not being so available by cell phone is needed. I know I sometimes get irritated with my own ("grown up") children when they hide behind their cell phones and try to send me complex, long, and emotional texts which can be misinterpreted due to lack of ability to hear the tone or inflection they would be using. Its bad enough that we can't read body language by phone. I really believe that we are losing our ability to effectively communicate with each other because of our reliance on what is easier (text). Maybe making it harder on him will actually force better communication. He would have to meet you face to face. How would you set this up? I'm not sure. Maybe just explain that you think that texting is not helping your communication, and that you will not do it anymore while you are x number of feet away in the same house? Maybe I'm barking up the wrong tree with this. But I know in my own life, communicating without a voice or face attached is only semi-communicating when it comes to the complex and the quick...I always end up calling at the very least to make certain that one or both are not being misunderstood. Sarcasm runs rampant in my family, though, and text does not communicate that well.
When it comes to my H (at this point), his texts are always very simple...facts only. Nothing that needs to be interpreted. If it is about anything beyond "I have done x" or "will you do y", he will text "can I call?". That's our new way of communicating. No more jokes or stories by text. Sad, but nothing is left to misunderstand.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Hiding behind a computer or a cell phone makes it easier for them to say what is on their minds. They don't want to see/deal with the emotions and how we react to their conversations if we are standing right there in front of them. They do not like confrontation and one way to avoid that is by electronic means.
HaWho, it's time to stop responding to his messages. Sure, take one once in a while, but it's time to try something new. He's living under the roof w/you and it's time for frat boy to come out of the dorm room and have a face to face conversation w/you.
Ciluzen has given you some good advice/suggestions...it's time to try something new.
He wants open communication, then give it to him. Come out of the dorm room and act like a man and talk to you face to face.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I was thinking exactly what Andrew mentioned. These days, people hide behind cell phones, email, facebook to communicate, when in reality, they wouldn't say half of that stuff to someone's face. I think people thought more before they spoke about what they would say when they had to say it someone's face and not hide behind a device.
I agree with ciluzen's suggestions. Texting is not an appropriate way to communicate these feelings, ESPECIALLY while you are living under the same roof. I would suggest telling him if he would like to talk about this, you'd be glad to sit down like adults and have a face to face conversation.
I'm sorry he is blaming you for his life. You are the closest thing to him and it's so easy to blame the closest to him for all of his own problems. He's being an absolute coward.
You know what, guys, such a smart and yet simple solution! Andrew this "slow response" of course, would have offered people an automatic time out. My h has always been brave behind a keyboard.
Ciluzen - I like your idea A LOT. I think I will send a text telling him that texting is not helping our communication and as we live under the same roof we should communicate face to face so that nothing is lost in translation.
I am also thinking of turning this whole situation around and saying: you asked for my thoughts on a lot of things. When you have a moment, please come and let's discuss things face to face. Thoughts on this???
I am thinking he is the one initiating this drama. And he is sending me pages of texts! And yes, I want to get him to a point where he can come and have an adult face to face conversation. He cowers behind that screen. I am curious to see how he'll react if I tell him to come see me when he can.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Hi HaWho, I'm sorry you're having a rough time with your H. I always work with the golden rule of never anything negative by text or email. If a hard conversation needs to be had, I have it face to face. I dread that of course, and when I need to have those convos I try and do so from my 'best self.'
I think if you can aim for that with your H, you can't go too far wrong. I also think it's fine to pleasantly put a boundary on the text convos, letting him know you're happy to discuss, but in person would be best. Once you've done that, if he continues with the negative texting, I would just press delete and ignore.
JMHO of course, and I do hope things settle down soon. Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks Sotto, Andrew, Esame, Job, Huddy, Ciluzen and Ginger. You guys are amazing!
Just thinking further about what I said above. I am thinking I should tell HIM to come discuss it face to face when he wants. This IS the way things work in the real world. When I have a problem with someone I contact the person. I don't send nasty page long texts and then correspond all via text like we're 12.
He needs to start coming to me when he has things to discuss. And yes, he says the most foul things via text!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
