I like this too. And it's a big fear of mine... that anyone I partner with will eventually leave because marriage is not easy and I am not perfect and Bexcuse people get bored of the mundane.
But zues, no one would describe my parents as enlightened, spiritual types. They annoy each other,and disagree with each other. But they also travel together, spend time together, accept each other for their eccentricities (to put it nicely) discuss politics, watch TV together etc. Etc. Etc. They truly do respect and love eqch other. They have been married for over 40 years. No affairs or breakups. I really don't know how one will survive when one of them dies.
I am going to reread you post though amd respond more. I just wanted to quickly let you know this. That it can be done.
I stayed in that hot room because for me (without infidelity) there is never a reason for elective death of a family. To me that was more important then anything and I always thought it would be possible to change things. My husband was my family, and I never once thought of "disowning" him, just like I never would do that to a family member.
I come from a very close family. No one in my family (extended included) has been divorced. It is accepted and the norm that things aren't perfect, especially after small kids but you get through it. For me divorce is not the norm and the idea of it is really disturbing and hurts a lot.
I complained a lot while in that hot room though because I was so unhappy. I think my husband interpreted my complaints as personal criticisms instead of ways to communicate and make things better (which was always my intention). He in response withdrew and did not communicate anything to me, which made me "complain" even more. This went on for years. In the end he was really really cruel. I will never forgive him for the way he left.
I don't like the cold room. I like the hot despite the discomfort because I like family and stability over independence and temporary romantic feelings. So yeah, my goal is to meet someone to have a family unit with. And yes I recognize how difficult that will be when it's hard to predict.
I'm going to get a tad deep here. So we stay in that hot room because we believe in family and commitment (I am a firm believer) I did pretty much what you did, Juju. I sucked it up for so many years, I got to trying to work with me, shot down multiple times, so I became defensive, angry, and exhausted. he didn't like that "me" so he left. I didn't like that me either. Because it wasn't me. But I couldn't just take what I took for so long, much like you did, without it leaking out somewhere.
The issue is, it does take two to make it work. Else one sits in misery until they blow up. There can be major issues, small issues, but there needs to a willingness for both to work it out.
So, I do hope one day I find a partner, too, who no matter what, even when things go off the rails, they make an effort to get back on. I never ever run away from a challenge.
Oh, in the end, I probably would have stuck out our one sided marriage if he didn't leave first. But if it had negative effects on our child that would be much more negative in the long run than divorce, if he wasn't willing to do anything about it, I might have left. Which I don't think lowers my values and makes me one of society where they say "divorce is OK because I am not happy"
Because I would have probably lived in misery unless it hurt my child.
Ginger, I think it's fairly easy to decide if someone put a lot of effort into saving their M before they gave up.
Did they ask their spouse for conversations? Did they bring up their complaints in a calm and non-blaming manner? Did they go to IC to help them figure out if their expectations were reasonable? Did they ask their S to go to MC? Did they take classes, attend weekend seminars, keep asking their S to go to counseling?
I did this for years. I finally told WH some years ago that I was worried about the future of our R if we didn't get help to communicate. He has later told me that it was at that moment, when I 'threatened D', as he calls it, that he started to withdraw.
He eventually got into an A and now lives with his mistress. I'm pretty sure that the pattern will repeat, I was not his first round on that carousel.
I'm working hard to avoid repeating any of the patterns that I saw were destructive in that M, and find out where they originate from.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
That's the irony of it all, painter. I did a lot of that stuff, but to the capacity that a 20 something year old knows how. Let's be real, we don't have all the tools at such a young age, they are developed over time. My huge fault was marrying someone who I knew wasn't capable of listening or caring if my needs weren't being met at the time. Part of me had hoped he would grow into that.
I may have left or wanted to leave if he didn't first. EVERYONE was shocked it was him leaving, not me because of the way he was.
I know, much like you, I am much happier than I would have been if the marriage continued but he hadn't changed. I am free to be myself also, something I was not at all able to be in my M.
I'm just speaking to honoring vows and commitment. I believe their are more ways to dishonor a commitment to marriage than by simply cheating. But I won't get into that!
The problem is its a matter of interpretation. My husband will swear on a stack of bibles that he tried for years. I dont feel like he did. Not at all.
I was not the best person, but my behaviors did not warrant divorce. He was not the best partner. But I would have never left him based on his behaviors (i only would have left him if he cheated).
My husband never gave us a chance. We were living with my family. To really work on a marriage that was falling apart , we needed to leave my families home for privacy. Husband refused because it put him in a great financial position to walk away without obligation. He really took advantage of my parents and I want him to pay...but he will not have to. My parents certainly will not make us leave, but even if i worked full time, i cannot afford the area and I am stuck here unless hubby leaves.
He could not do better, the SOB. I wish he would freeze his ass off, but He is not in a cold room. He is in a paradise, with no responsibilities. Guilt free, because all his friends are divorced and he blames it on me.
I am so mad. I have been so mad. Hopefully once we are through with the legal process, I will not be mad anymore. I feel like he gets away so easy financially and logistically. I love my son more then anything and I am so grateful that husband does not want 50/50 or has a right to it anymore. But it is not easy to work full time, and have a child basically full time, and live in the most expensive area of the country.
He comes across so friggen clean cut. You would never know the truth if you met him and that enrages me as well.
So for a lot of the WAS, it is not really a cold room. They get to be irresponsible and we kid ourselves by saying that they are the ones that are losing out. That's just our desire for fairy tale endings. The world is full of inequities and unfairness. Usually its the ones that are nicer, etc. that get f'd. and thats all this was. My husband was more ruthless.
My husband is convinced he did what was for the best. He has no guilt. My husband also thinks he is a great dad. That he is out there providing for his son....he told the mediator that he is giving me way too much in child support..17% and i should be able to take out of that and save for college. (His child support check would not even cover half of the rent for a 2 bedroom apartment here)
Sorry for rants today....I just talked to my lawyer and im mad.
