Sorry you are finding yourself here, sorry your wife is going through a MLC and I am really sorry she is having an affair with someone that was your best friend. I don't think there is an easy way out of this, I often feel like giving up, but then something keeps me going. I think if you work on yourself you will be able to handle whatever the outcome is better, maybe try to concentrate on that for now. Don't pay too much attention to the affair, it is usually a side effect and not the cause of the problem .
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Hello. I'm sorry you're here; glad you are posting now instead of lurking.
I can only speak from my own experience. It was really important to me to try to figure out why. This did not help me.
What did help me was GAL. The more I put the focus on myself, the happier my son is and the easier this is for me to navigate.
One thing that really helped me was setting goals. Regardless of the outcome, I wanted to be able to say I'd tried my best, and even more important to me was that I want my son to say I always took the high road. Time will tell on that one.
I hope this helps. You aren't alone, sadly. You will get through this. Cali and Irish are great threads to read. Hang in there. xo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Have you considered coming up with a more consistent schedule for the kids? Doing so would create consistency for the kids, which is good and also allow both of YOU to see what schedule would work best for both of you.
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When asked what she couldn't forgive me for she said vague things like "everything you have done" and "all the control you had". Never specifics. After we stopped going to therapy, literally as we were walking out she says "I'm so happy that's over. Only reason I was going was so that when we divorce it looks like I really tried to make it work". Wtf?!?!?!!
As for some of her comments – believe none of what they say and half of what they do. Do you think you were controlling? Prior to the bomb, did she complain about anything?
Does she work?
Beside working out…what else are you doing for YOURSELF?
Do you feel that you need to improve things about yourself – if so, what and why?
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I was told last night and again today that she is filing this week. She asked if I wanted to do a collaborative divorce. Is that like a s&$@ pie?
We have a set schedule for the kids, however, she's Been very "busy with work" lately (aka lying). I love the kids and want them all the time so I never turn her down. I've been keeping track just in case she decides to go aggro during divorce proceedings.
Yes. She works. She manages a department in a hospital. Strong income as well.
Besides working out, I've been starting to go out more with friends that I've kind of pushed away the last year due to stress/depression. I've also started to do more work events since before I would rush home to be with the family and now it's often rushing home to an empty house.
Everyone has things to improve on. Being more fit/healthy is one of mine. I've also started working with a life coach to kind of pry more out of me as I've been so closed off for so long.
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
I was told last night and again today that she is filing this week. She asked if I wanted to do a collaborative divorce. Is that like a s&$@ pie?
Filing and it being "over" are two separate things. I am sorry to hear that she mentioned filing to you. I know just how much of a punch in the gut it feels like. As for collaborative, you may want to consider that as it will save both of YOU money and it tends to be a bit less adversarial.
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We have a set schedule for the kids, however, she's Been very "busy with work" lately (aka lying). I love the kids and want them all the time so I never turn her down. I've been keeping track just in case she decides to go aggro during divorce proceedings.
Enjoy those kids! Just be careful not to loose yourself in trying to become super dad. As for the journaling your time with them...good idea.
Keep up the GALing! It does wonders for the soul.
As for things you need to work on...I get everyone has something. I wanted to know what YOURS were.
Peace, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Her weekend on this weekend and I had he kids a lot of it. Her obsession with the affair has taken over everything else. So whereas I wasn't supposed to see the kids from Friday through Monday I saw them for a bit Friday, dinner sat, and Sunday night. Each and every time she ran over to OMs house. Fine by me! Love my kiddo time.
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
No. never broke up. Together straight through from first week of my junior year and her sophomore year of college all the way through.
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
Was asked to go to dinner tonight with her and the girls. First time in probably a month. It was a nice time. On the way back the youngest D mentioned something about last names. It was then that W asked me if it would be ok that she not change her name. I told her it was her decision.
Later after she was dropped off she texted asking me about an upcoming Disney trip. She mentioned before our nephew going and I mentioned to her that I would like it to be the 4 of us because it will most likely be our last trip as a family. She said "ok that's fine" and I asked if it was a valid point and she said "yes".
Do as I say not as I do. Shouldn't have asked cause now I feel like crap.
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
"No. never broke up. Together straight through from first week of my junior year and her sophomore year of college all the way through."
Ok, I think she really does want a change because she doesn't know any better. Many times when there are people who have been together for a really long time and never really got to go out and "experience" others, they feel like this. They don't know any better so are willing to take the chance on something new.
How have you kept things new and exciting before? Or did you just let things get complacent in your M?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
