Where we left off: W found my thread here and read through the whole thing. She was definitely upset and angry. She feels like I haven't portrayed the situation accurately enough, and honestly after talking to her i agree with that. There are some details that I have missed and some things that I didn't place enough emphasis on in my thread so far. I have asked her to write those things out so that I can share them. The more information you all have the better.
Last edited by Cadet; 10/11/1606:43 AM. Reason: edit title
So, I will go ahead and add some details that I left out in all of my earlier posts. There were many major factors on my part that have caused her to seek comfort in another man. Just before getting married I accepted a position about 2 hours away from where we lived at that time. Honestly I didn't give her much input on it, and for that I am truly remorseful. I did mention it to her, but it was a life changing decision and I just passively made it on my own. Therefore, immediately after being married and our honeymoon I had to move 2 hours away and live separate from my new wife for a couple months until we could find a house. Now once we found a house that meant she had to quit her job which she was honestly probably on a track to become a manager at...this is a huge reason why I regret not seriously talking about the decision of taking the job or not. Now, the job that I accepted has truly set us up financially for early retirement and a nice lifestyle along the way but that's still no excuse for the way that I handled the situation.
It wasn't too long after starting this position that the overwhelming stress came in to play. Ridiculously long hours, late night and weekend phone calls requiring me to come in to work at all hours of the day/night. Mandatory weekends and holidays. So, I became completely overwhelmed and stressed out. I started drinking to cope with this stress and completely shut down any emotions and feelings that I had...according to everything I have read and the first therapist that I went to (just a few weeks ago) I was depressed and if I had just went to a therapist when all of this first started I would probably be in a much better place right now in my relationship. This went on for about 2 years while my W sat by and tried to be supportive. She voiced concerns over my emotional state and how I was treating her during this time frame, and I just completely dismissed her. It was as if I didn't even hear her I was so caught up in my own depressed fog. She would ask me to go do things like watch a movie or go to a concert, and all I would do is drink and sit on the couch like a worthless blob. It was so bad that I didn't even want to make love to her...which is absolutely crazy for me to think about right now because as I mentioned earlier she is absolutely beautiful and the sex was great. I can't believe how many times I dismissed her when she said things like "why don't you want me?" Why was this not enough for me to break out of my fog. Why could I not see what my job was doing to me and my marriage...Why could I not see what I was doing to myself all for the sake of trying to retire early to spend some great years with my wife traveling. I am absolutely beside myself right now thinking about how poorly I treated her and myself during this time period.
Another topic that I have handled poorly over the years is my friend. As I have mentioned previously I have a friend who I have had since we were like 6 years old. We very rarely go a day without talking to each other. I have always let my wife feel like she was second place to him, even though in my heart she never was. But I NEVER EVER told her this...why wouldn't I tell her this? WTF is wrong with me. When my W and friend got into arguments/disagreements, or even when one of them was just rude to the other, I NEVER EVER stepped in to defend my W. I always just let them hash it out. Why would I not defend my W when she is the most important thing in my life...why would I just dismiss it? I seriously let my W, the most important person in the world to me, feel like she was second place for so many years...how do I live with myself for that?
Last edited by Cadet; 10/11/1606:41 AM. Reason: edit title
We all have issues, we all have received a wake up call as to what is important in a M and hopefully we are all taking the steps to improve ourselves and conversely our future R's.
The additional information is helpful for us to help you identify issues that you can/may want to work on, I just hope you are not writing letters to your W.
You own a part of the downfall of your M, but you do not own it all, a great M takes two people willing to do anything to make the M all it can be, it requires communication, understanding, sacrifice and individual happiness. In my opinion, no matter how bad a M is, an A is a betrayal beyond excuse. If someone is not happy in their M, hopefully they would open lines of communication and try and work on the issues, but even barring that they should leave the M, not bring someone else into it.
My W is constantly trying to justify her A, she says that if I didn't leave her emotionally vulnerable then she wouldn't have done it, she says that it was a mistake, and she never thought she would do something like that.
I say that if she would of treated me like a husband I may not have distanced myself from her, if she would of just said once she was unhappy we may have been able to work through the issues, and I say that an A is not a mistake, it's a series of choices to do something dishonest and hide those actions.
look, blame can easily be shot back and forth between each other, but the fact is that you both were not on the same page, you both weren't working together to achieve the same goal, and that's needed for a truly healthy M. If your M can survive this, if you both can truly work on yourselves and work together to meet the goal of a happy and healthy M, it's more likely to be successful after a crises because you learn so much going through this.
But it's still not easy.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Thanks Cnut, I didn't have the same problem regarding being treated as a husband. My W did treat me as a husband, and a darn good one at that despite my downfalls for the longest time. I just didn't reciprocate that unfortunately. I agree that there is no justification for an A and that wasn't what I was trying to say. I just wanted you guys to have a little more clarity as to what she was dealing with for the last couple years.
As for the stressful job: I talked to my boss and told him that it has caused me a great deal of troubles and told him that he would need to make some changes happen if he intended to keep me around. So far those changes have been implemented, so we will see where that takes us.
Lost, when I came to the board back in 2007, I was a wayward wife. I was in an Internet A, and was considering leaving my H. Like other WW's, I thought I had a mile-long list of justifiable reasons. However, I was quickly shot down when I tried to relay these reasons for my A (thank goodness for the great people back in 2007 that dealt with me).
I, too, believed my H had always put me second. In my case, it was his family, especially his mother. My love tank had been dry for years when I found myself vulnerable for an A. No emotional intimacy, no physical intimacy, no nothing. I felt as if I were dead.
I had saved up many years of resentment, and had lost respect for my H. I will spare the details, b/c I had so many. However, regardless of how much I felt he neglected me......it did not give me a free pass to cheat. As it was pointed out to me......why didn't I divorce him, and then find another man? That would have been the more decent thing to do.
Therefore, I am telling you that you are not responsible for your W having an A. Yes, you are responsible for the things you failed to do, but she has free volition. The A was a decision she made. She is responsible for her own actions, just as you are responsible for yours.
It must hurt terribly to see your part in the breakdown of the MR. The good news is that you are actually seeing your mistakes. As painful as that may be, you are learning. In all the years of my M, I have never heard my H talk about mistakes he made in our MR. If/when you and your W reach the point of really piecing the M back together, you can share what you learned about yourself, but don't do it while she's wayward.
When we are young and in a relationship, we are going to make mistakes. When we are old and in a relationship, we are going to make mistakes. Hopefully, the mistakes we make when we are older...will not be the same mistakes we made when we were young.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you Sandi, your posts are always so well written and informative. Yes, it hurts terribly. It's a god awful gut wrenching pain to know what I put her through for all of that time. It literally made me sick in the beginning when I started thinking about things from her point of view. Looking at things from her point of view really opened my eyes to what I had done to myself, her, our marriage, and my relationship with other family and friends. It was absolutely deplorable what I had allowed to happen, all the while not even realizing the true magnitude of it. It was at this point that I realized that I will need help...serious help. I went to a therapist and unfortunately she turned out to be just awful although she did at least give me a few things to work on. It took me a few weeks to get an appointment with another therapist and I go to her tomorrow. I'm really hopeful that she will be much better fit for me. Looking at how complacent I was, and with all of the reading that I've done, it seems the general consensus is that I will most likely need "maintenance therapy" for the very long term regardless of the outcome of my sitch.
Another thing I forgot to mention is that W moved into her new apartment on Sunday. There has been very little contact since then, and the very little that there was seemed to be profoundly politically correct and "professional-like". I suppose that is just the way it will have to be for a while, and there's not much I can do about that. I truly do wish it didn't have to be this way, and honestly I don't really think it has to be this way but we all have our opinions on this. The first night alone (Sunday night) was pretty rough but thankfully I was exhausted so I fell asleep pretty quickly and slept for a few hours which was nice. Once I woke up it became all to real again that I was there without my W and I was not happy at all about that.
Last night I went and grabbed a few groceries which was strange to only be buying things for me. Other than that just played with the dog and watched some TV and spent more time reading self-help sites. Fell asleep pretty late again and only slept a few hours, and woke up with the same feeling as before. This night was the first time (I think) in 12 years and 3 months that I haven't gotten to say goodnight to my wife or at least lay next to her as we fell asleep. It was very surreal...and not in a good way. I do often wonder if she thinks about me during this time, or think about these things like this. Also, there is still quite a bit of stuff in the house that is hers or at the very least reminds me of her, so I think that makes it pretty tough too. I have thought about just gathering it all and putting it in a closet until she moves home or we decide this will be a permanent separation.
I should be interacting with W very minimally today just because she had some things delivered to the house for her new apartment (before she moved into it), so we will need to get her those things. I'm not sure how that will go, but I hope it will be positive.
Tonight the plan for me is to go buy some clothes because none of my clothes fit me since I've lost 34lbs (180 to 146) since all of this started. Luckily there is a store in the mall that has a really good sale until tomorrow on really nice clothes. I would love for W to go with me to help me pick things out seeing as I have ZERO fashion sense, but I know it would be wrong of me to ask her to do this. So hopefully the employees can help me out.
