Um, just what's up on the 5th or is it not related to here? Not that I can make it out to the east coast, but, hey, you never know as I am looking for travel opportunities/excuses. Should I PM someone my FB info?
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
You know what my IC said to me last night? I bet you never thought you would have had what you had with ex NG, so why not another guy? Yes, it is completely unrealistic to imagine there is on guy on this earth that I can connect to deeply. I know I've seemed kind of obsessed over him, and I was for a little while, but it's not that way anymore. I'm just a bit scared to start over, so I go back in my mind to where I was comfortable. I honor what we had, I mourned that it is gone, but I know someone who doesn't fight for me isn't for me. And like your M and R following that, I think both were life changing for me too. But you pulled it out, UR. I am scared to start over, so I have been clinging to what I had. I sometimes don't know how many times I have it in me to start from scratch.
Long Journal, but insightful for others, so read along if you have the patience!
I saw my IC for the first time in 3 weeks last night. I'm glad I still go to her because she has such insight on me that I don't.
Here at DB, we preach "happiness comes from within" "happiness is a choice". It's no secret that I am having a hard time with that. Sure, I want to be happy to the core, I do exercised to get me there, I dig deep, blah blah blah. Still not feeling the way I would like to. I asked her if happiness really doesn't come from an external source and if we could make ourselves happy even if we aren't feeling it.
Ok, so I am going to preface it with speaking about my relationships (all kinds of relationships, not just romantic) to her and my wanting to move out of state. From what I was discussing she can see that I feel isolated and alone. My friendships close to me are changing a bit, people are moving, I have no family, no partner, and I rightfully so feel isolated. I told her where I desired to move and why. And she saw what I didn't. I wanted to move there because that's where my deep human connections would be. She pointed out my happiness from within comes from deep human connections which is a part of who I am. Therefore, my happiness is linked to who I am, not necessarily these external sources. Confusing the way it is worded, but I finally understood why I am feeling the way I am. Through my bedside nursing jobs I forged human connections with patients. They drove me and were a part of me. I lost that. She knows that was a big part of me too. So I am not really just a miserable unappreciative person. I feel the connections I have (and we know some are from this board) is when I am engaged with them, present with them and that's when I feel most like myself. I was afraid it was some sort of codependency, and she said absolutely not. It's not like y happiness is hinged on what others think about me or what they give me. It's deeper than that. It's a part of who I am.
In addition that that, she pointed out some interesting things. I came in all kind of somber, then we started to talk about what I've been doing for me. When I started discussing how I've taken an even deeper interest and joy in cooking and when I was describing it, she saw me just light up the room. She said if anything I am a fighter with life in me. I don't lay down and die and she knows I am trying like heck to find my happiness. I could be laying under my blankets not wanting to face the world or take interest in anything, but I am fighting. She thinks my D9 sees this and it's an invaluable thing to show her. She says because of how hard I fight, she really does not doubt I will find what I deserve and I desire.
Long winded journal, but I felt better coming out of there. I really was thinking something must be wrong with me lately. But there is nothing wrong with me. I've discovered who I am, what drives me, why I feel as I do, why I seek what I seek, and it's all for healthy reasons. I am not a lost soul, I am actually a soul with direction, meaning and purpose.
G, with ex-NG you had a part of you filled that hadn't been filled for a long time and when you chose to walk away from that relationship you felt that loss deeply. Absolutely understandable! You know that you want that in your life again but it is frightening because no matter what you put into a relationship you can't guarantee what you'll get back. It's being vulnerable to the highest degree. There's nothing wrong with you
Thanks WII:) I am fearful of getting close again just to get dropped on my butt again. Being vulnerable is surely the scariest thing, but when you face fears sometimes good things result.
So, I found out from the coworker, not my agent, that I again did not get the house. Turned out that the other deal never really fell through.
G I told u that there is nothing wrong with you. Wii agrees with me. The perfect partner is out there waiting for you. It's a matter of when you two will cross paths. So maybe you need to live, travel, do things to get you out there. I met K at a birthday party. Wasn't looking and at 1st I pushed her away. And she did the same. We were both scared. The 1st year was touch and go. One day I told myself that she was special and to take a leap of faith. It will just happen when u least expeCT it.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Vanilla, Thank you so much. The feeling is definitely mutual:)
Rick, yeah, I believe you when you say nothing is wrong with me:) I actually meant I thought maybe there was something wrong because I can't quite pull myself all the way out of this depression that seems to be hinged on lonliness and a sort of isolation. The feeling of joy and contentment is so awesome, I miss it and want to find it again. I'm a bit of a driven person:)
Hopefully someday someone will think I'm special enough to take that leap of faith. Looking at you two, it's definitely worth it!
Ok, now I am the one brought to tears. I know that I have felt a connection with you and I thought I knew why. Those reasons were true, but, now I know more.
G, you are a fighter. While you are not sure how many times you have it in you to start over…I do. You don’t give up. No matter how hard things are.
There is nothing at all wrong with you, my friend. You are not a lost soul by any means. You love deeply. Maybe deeper than some and that is ok. Remember that the things that make you unique, never mean you are lacking in any way.
I have a different take on the whole “happy” thing. Happy is a feeling and so it is fleeting. But finding joy..now that can be a lasting thing. I think that starts with loving who you are and then comes on in layers..each thing building on the next. So that finding deeper connections will start to fill you up, and you need to keep finding things that add to it. Not sure if that makes sense. LOL!
There isn’t one thing or person or people that are going to bring you joy. It’s an accumulation of all those things. You are on the right track. You are learning about you and what you want and need. That’s always a good thing.
I know you know most of my story, but, not all of it, not the gritty details. I am like you, with just a sister for family. Parents long gone. I allowed myself to be isolated in my marriage. As a result, my circle of friends is small. Those walls, you know? I am not sure where my relationship will wind up, so I am at a crossroads myself. I completely understand your feelings of restlessness and searching and loneliness.
I believe completely that things happen as they are supposed to happen, though, we rarely know that at the time. I am thinking there is a reason that condo fell through.
And that being vulnerable thing....scary stuff, right? Have you listened to Brene Bree on vulnerability? Youtube it if you havent. Powerful stuff.
Sometimes you just have to follow your heart and trust your gut, G, ya know? We New Yorkers are like that. . I think they are telling you something. Life really is so short. Go where you think you can find peace and make a life for you and your girl.
As always, I am rooting you on and praying for you. Cant wait to see you.
