February we got a small apartment to take turns going back and forth to as she needed space. Lease ended in August and she moved into a new place and now kids go back and forth. July she told me she loved me and wanted us to work but needed space. 2 weeks later it was called a lapse in judgement and she wanted a divorce. She randomly googles an attorney but, as far as I know nothing has been filed.
She's been having a PA/EA for over a year with my former bestfriend. I was told before while in MC that if I made her choose, that I wouldn't be happy. She's constantly with him. Dates all the time. According to internet searches also into many MANY new things that are quite taboo. Changing her appearance, demeanor, interests, etc. it's now to the point where the kids are being affected.
I've read DB 4 times. Spoke with a coach. And enrolled in LRT web program. I still feel lost. It still feels hopeless. Have been going dark and GAL and things seemed to be settling a bit. Yesterday we even planned a little trip with the kids for later in the month but, then see she's searched for the attorney this am! I don't get it! Feels like an impossible battle.
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
Welcome to the MLC Forum. I'm sorry you are here, but we've got a lot of wonderful people posting here who will be happy to come by and visit w/you, i.e., support you, give advice and/or opinions, as well as just to talk about life in general. So, I'm going to paste Cadet's Welcome Posting here for you to begin some brand new homework. Read as much as you can about MLC and depression and if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask them.
Here's Cadet's Welcome Posting: OK so that means MORE homework.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
_________________________ Me-62, D30,S28
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
... I've read DB 4 times. Spoke with a coach. And enrolled in LRT web program. I still feel lost. It still feels hopeless. .... Yesterday we even planned a little trip with the kids for later in the month but, then see she's searched for the attorney this am! I don't get it! Feels like an impossible battle.
Hi j20a00g, I am no expert - but just wanted to say hi.
Job has already shared Cadet's homework. Others will be better at directing you than I. However, I was VERY sorry to read how you feel above.
I think that since you feel so disheartened that you need to pay attention to you right now. You can't change her, but you can change you & your life a little.
Work on - GAL, detaching as mentioned. Concentrate on YOU & the kids. You will get there eventually. It's difficult to 'work against the grain' - work on you.
It took me a long time to detach, & a long time to feel a little hopeful. Although we (my H & I) are not legally separated, we are emotionally and physically so. (I had mentioned a separation but that went nowhere/will not 'hijack' your post).
The point is, that it will be 3 years for me in March 2017. Although I am still not yet completely 'out of the woods,' re 'mastery' of this entire experience, I feel better anyway. I no longer feel the way you do right now. At the time, I did not believe that I could ever feel better! Ever!
Read the homework. GAL. Detach. Keep posting here - & one day, you too will get past this stage. Just keep going.
Take care, p.
pbetra ---- M: 15 yrs (in 2014) BD: 6/03/2014 Infidelity ('known' from July 2014) Denied PA Feb 2015 2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact. Back briefly 2017 (after family death) Separated 2017
I am sorry that you are here. You have been given a ton of homework to do – I suggest that you take your time and read the information SLOWLY. Post questions on your thread that you may have about any portion of the question.
In addition to your homework – BREATH. It is not over until YOU say it is!
I have a few questions….
1) Who agreed to get a small apartment? 2) You mentioned that your W moved to a new place – are you still in the martial home?
Quote:
2 weeks later it was called a lapse in judgement and she wanted a divorce. She randomly googles an attorney but, as far as I know nothing has been filed.
DB101 – believe none of what they say and half of what they do. As for her googling an attny – how did you find that out?
Quote:
She's been having a PA/EA for over a year with my former bestfriend. I was told before while in MC that if I made her choose, that I wouldn't be happy.
DB101.1 – FOR NOW (now being the key word) – learn to STFU (that means Shut the * up). Keep pushing and you will are going to get an answer that RIGHT NOW you are not ready for. So…as pberta suggested….start focusing more on YOURSELF and on DETACHING. And before you respond with…if I do that she just tell me I am being selfish again or how will she see my changes if I detach and STFU….. I can tell you NOW that those answers will come later.
Quote:
it's now to the point where the kids are being affected.
Be the kids rock of consistence and normal – DO NOT use them as excuses. Before you tell me your not….we’ll get into this later too.
Quote:
I've read DB 4 times.
Ummm…reading and doing are two different things.
Quote:
Spoke with a coach. And enrolled in LRT web program. I still feel lost.
Normally these things take time and WORK….LOTS of WORK. If you are trying to purchase the solution – you may be disappointed.
Right now…the only thing YOU need to do (beside taking care of those kids) is 1) Read all of the homework 2) ask questions 3) detach 4) GAL and 5) do not beg her and 6) learn to STFU.
Quote:
It still feels hopeless.
Well if you have that attitude….chances are your not going to achieve your goals, which believe it or not – may change.
Quote:
Yesterday we even planned a little trip with the kids for later in the month but, then see she's searched for the attorney this am! I don't get it!
Her trying to be a parent (regardless of how you might feel about that right now) is SEPARATE from wanting to divorce YOU.
Quote:
Feels like an impossible battle.
It may today – tomorrow is another day. DB101 – take things day by day, moment by moment, live in the moment.
Finally, what else can you tell me about YOU and the M. What complaints did your W have?
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
1) it was her idea. 7 month lease (as she said a year would be too long). I went along because I was threatened with "it's either this or divorce...this is our only chance of taking a break because obviously what we are doing isn't working". So I went along. It basically ended up being time for her to solidify the A. 2.) yes. I'm in the marital home. She moved into a town home in the subdivision across the street as she said she wanted to make sure she was close to the kids and their school. Kids go back and forth though her "work schedule" Lately has them Here more than there. Which I don't mind.
- I found out about the attorney because her Apple ID is the same as the kids on their iPads so her search history comes up. Let's just say her "interests" are now quite taboo. Oh and a tattoo tomorrow! I know part of detachment is not snooping...I will get better
-"stfu"...yes! I have gotten wayyyy better at pausing before reacting and thinking if what I'm about to say will help or hurt my goal. More often than not it would hurt. For instance, tonight was a school event and she had to "work late". She was actually at the OMs place and missed the whole event. She used to never ever ever miss a school event and now it's quite common and each time it's for OM. I simply told her what a great time we had. Sucked she had to work and miss it and sent some pictures. She ofcourse after leaving OM she asked if the kids wanted to stay with her. I told her they were asleep (they were) and that she can see them in the am (school Is canceled). I didn't say nearly what I wanted to say. Not productive but it would have felt good....for a second but then would also further tarnish hope/chances.
-I've been a lurker for sometime. Glad I finally posted and have started the hw. I start back at the gym on Monday (haven't been in about 6 months) and have started to go out with friends more. Surprisingly enough, my work production has increased significantly the last few months. Being 100% commission that's a really good thing.
As far as our M. We started dating when we were 14 and 16. High school sweethearts. We stayed strong as those around us married and divorced. We built a great life together and 1.5 years ago everything seemed amazing. Literally one day it was a light switch. I read the MLC for dummies thread and it's her to a T. A couple of months ago (pre-db) I asked her to name even 1 happy memory...she said she couldn't. Everything was fake, she never loved or even liked me, she played the game, blah blah blah. When I say every mean, hurtful, and nasty thing has been said I do not exaggerate. Including her telling me her goal is to tear me down until I off myself. Yea. Hurts.
During MC I was told she couldn't forgive me and she needed time. When asked what she couldn't forgive me for she said vague things like "everything you have done" and "all the control you had". Never specifics. After we stopped going to therapy, literally as we were walking out she says "I'm so happy that's over. Only reason I was going was so that when we divorce it looks like I really tried to make it work". Wtf?!?!?!!
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
Out of curiousity, 3 years? That's a long time. How do you know when to say when?
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
You and only you can decide when you've had enough. Some who come here, walk away within 6 months to a year and others continue to leave the door ajar for years. It's all up to you, but if you are questioning yourself and others about when to give up, then you aren't ready to do so.
You and only you can decide when you've had enough. Some who come here, walk away within 6 months to a year and others continue to leave the door ajar for years. It's all up to you, but if you are questioning yourself and others about when to give up, then you aren't ready to do so.
Thx ☺️
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
I am sorry that you are here. You have been given a ton of homework to do – I suggest that you take your time and read the information SLOWLY. Post questions on your thread that you may have about any portion of the question.
In addition to your homework – BREATH. It is not over until YOU say it is!
I have a few questions….
1) Who agreed to get a small apartment? 2) You mentioned that your W moved to a new place – are you still in the martial home?
Quote:
2 weeks later it was called a lapse in judgement and she wanted a divorce. She randomly googles an attorney but, as far as I know nothing has been filed.
DB101 – believe none of what they say and half of what they do. As for her googling an attny – how did you find that out?
Quote:
She's been having a PA/EA for over a year with my former bestfriend. I was told before while in MC that if I made her choose, that I wouldn't be happy.
DB101.1 – FOR NOW (now being the key word) – learn to STFU (that means Shut the * up). Keep pushing and you will are going to get an answer that RIGHT NOW you are not ready for. So…as pberta suggested….start focusing more on YOURSELF and on DETACHING. And before you respond with…if I do that she just tell me I am being selfish again or how will she see my changes if I detach and STFU….. I can tell you NOW that those answers will come later.
Quote:
it's now to the point where the kids are being affected.
Be the kids rock of consistence and normal – DO NOT use them as excuses. Before you tell me your not….we’ll get into this later too.
Quote:
I've read DB 4 times.
Ummm…reading and doing are two different things.
Quote:
Spoke with a coach. And enrolled in LRT web program. I still feel lost.
Normally these things take time and WORK….LOTS of WORK. If you are trying to purchase the solution – you may be disappointed.
Right now…the only thing YOU need to do (beside taking care of those kids) is 1) Read all of the homework 2) ask questions 3) detach 4) GAL and 5) do not beg her and 6) learn to STFU.
Quote:
It still feels hopeless.
Well if you have that attitude….chances are your not going to achieve your goals, which believe it or not – may change.
Quote:
Yesterday we even planned a little trip with the kids for later in the month but, then see she's searched for the attorney this am! I don't get it!
Her trying to be a parent (regardless of how you might feel about that right now) is SEPARATE from wanting to divorce YOU.
Quote:
Feels like an impossible battle.
It may today – tomorrow is another day. DB101 – take things day by day, moment by moment, live in the moment.
Finally, what else can you tell me about YOU and the M. What complaints did your W have?
Did my post make sense where I answered? I've noticed my brain has been working slower than my mouth or typing lately
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
Just keep going.